it's my complacency that led to emptiness. i've been so preoccupied with things that are not of worth, instead of diligently seeking Him. and now i wonder why these things are happening, where His presence could be, what His will is for me, and many other questions that only He could answer. I'm engaged with things that i lost sight of Him. my eyes were veiled, my senses insensitive of His calls. all too often i complain with my situation but i rarely took time to pray. while i begin to ask where is He in those difficult times, i didn't notice He was there, right beside me all the time.
nevertheless, God is compassionate, merciful and faithful. He never gets angry for long, and always forgives. He is always willing to fill our hearts with His peace, love and joy. When we ask, He will answer. God is always with us. all we have to do is to go to Him. seek Him. spend time with Him. for only then we will experience His presence. only then we will be sensitive to His voice. and when we find Him, His river will come rushing toward us and drown us... at that moment, we are filled to the brim and overflowing.
filled
Merry Christmas!
it's actually Christmas morn as of this writing, and i haven't slept yet after a day's preparation for the Christmas dinner. it was fulfilling, though, inspite of the exhaustion. cooking for my family is always like a wish fulfillment on my part. i wanted to become a chef one day (aside from the many other aspirations i have for myself that I wanted to come true) and so i practice by cooking for them, especially on special occassions. i've been doing this since i was in high school and i will continue doing this until God brings me home. :)
These past few days, before the holiday mode sets in, i've been pessimistic of what this season would bring. recently we were worrying on making ends meet, and celebrating the holiday was a bit of a burden. for several days i quarrel edward for complacency (or irresponsibility). but as the day sets in, i realize my mistakes. i err on most things and it's like blaming him for the fault i made. it was a difficult time but I thank God He has changed my view on things and everything ended well.
i went to the mall this afternoon and hordes of last minute holiday shoppers were bustling in the supermarket. it was late that i noticed a long line in the cashier station, and i managed to budget 2000 for 5 dishes. how i did that was a miracle- all i knew is that God was with me, guiding me all the way. good thing i found a shorter line which people failed to notice and took advantage of it. i was able to be back earlier in time for the dinner preparation.
i did everything on my own- shopping and cooking. i carried 5-7 kl of items in one hand and another 3-6 kilos on another. i rested for a while and decided to cook.
today was a different Christmas i have experienced. it may not be as grand as last year's, but this year was the year when i have learned a lot of things in life that will be useful for the betterment of my life next year.
Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!
Christmas Parties
although Christmas season brings cool breeze, it also carries typical illnesses accompanied by the cool weather. my children and I were not spared of those illnesses. and they were sick when we attended their Christmas party. it was Rizia who was lethargic when we attended their party. as for Shareign, she was still active and alert though showing signs of sickness. it was still a great party!
yay, i'm back! 2
yesterday while i was buying medicine for my sister, i saw pastor Kim, and told me that i will be translating his preaching in Filipino. i agreed.
this morning at church, ate Glo, pastor, James and i went to Antipolo for their Sunday service. i missed the outreach, i missed the people and they missed me too. most of all, i missed interpreting. i even had the chance to sing again. Lord, thank You for the opportunity.
i know that i will feel OP (as in out-of-place) because "new" members of the youth are in the mother church, and their leader was there too. i tried so much so as to fit in, and showed them that even if i'm "new" in the church, i'm comfortable with everyone. i am not trying to regain my rightful place in the church, but i want to be a helping hand to further the kingdom of God through the church. i will help in any way i can- exerting effort, giving my time, skills and abilities for the glory of God. i am deeply burdened of the realities in the church, that i know i can do something to help.
HERE I AM LORD, SEND ME.
i'm feeling it!
yup, i am definitely feeling Christmas!!! the breeze is so cool that i have to wear long sleeves and pajamas. i'm loving it!!!
this afternoon we went to the mall and bought stuffs for the kids' exchange gifts and did some pre-Christmas shopping. i bought this cool dress i'll be wearing for the church Christmas party! tomorrow if i won't forget, i'll be posting pics of my new dresses!
i am excited for Christmas but somehow a bit sad. my husband won't be home for Christmas this year. i miss him so much and the kids miss him too. the kids are always looking for him (especially the youngest). she's always asking me when daddy is coming home. i don't know if they have an idea that this same season last year, their dad came home. it's so sad that he's not here. but next year, hopefully, he will be celebrating the holidays with us :)
miss you so much EDWARD! i love you so much!! ♥
Myspace Chistmas Comments
this is an outrage!!!
what a way to be back from hiatus- to blog about an outrage of jealousy and selfish love. and it's not about someone- it's about me. and this is how it all started.
he told me about a certain event he will be attending to tomorrow. he said that that event would include bowling and prizes. there's this contest where you'll get to win when they chose you as the star of the night- something like that. and that he would never want to miss that event. he even stated that they are allowed to bring a partner. and he told me that he will bring his friend's girl friend. not romantic girl friend but a girl friend. so i was like, "what?! you didn't even tell me about it. and you've already made a decision?!" i was super jealous and envious and mad and sad and all of those emotions. i am deeply hurt, that my hands and feet were all sweaty and that my tears are welling up in my eyes. i just have to release these emotions and so i stopped typing and started calling him.
"putsa naman. i should've been in her place didn't you know that? while i'm here missing you, you've replaced me with someone else!!!" it's like a line in dramas and romance pocketbooks. and it's happening to me now. and he explained that it was not replacing. it was like my friend thought that i don't have a partner so he decided to bring his girl friend along to be my partner. and i got a lot more furious. "so you agreed?! didn't you have your own decision? why did you let him decide for you? didn't you ever thought of what i would feel? didn't you even consider my feelings?" he told me that this isn't a big deal and that i shouldn't make a big deal of the situation. it's a friendly thing. friendly thing for him but not for me.
that place is for me. and no girl should be there. "they know that you are married. it's a scandal that you are bringing along a girl whom you are not even close with and people knew that you are married. people might suspect that just because i am not there, you're looking for someone who would take my place!"
i am so mad that even if i try to lower my tone, i couldn't. but i have to moderate my voice or else i'll be shouting in fury. that is an absolute outrage. perhaps this wouldn't be a big deal for others, but for someone who's jealous and possessive as i am, it is a massive, gargantuan deal.
it's not that i suspect my husband of infidelity or that he has a possibility of cheating. i trust him that he will never do that. the reason why i got angry is out of selfishness and jealousy and envy. i should be there. and since i am not there, no girl should be there with you. just me. in the first place, i don't know the girl. if by any chance i have been introduced to the girl i might not have reacted this way. or if he would just have chosen to tag along a flatmate then it's no problem. but why a girl? he can even go by himself! why choose to be with that girl!
what aggravated the situation is when he called his friend (who asked him to bring along that girl, and that certain girl is a crush of his friend. he cannot ask that girl to be with him because he's married and he'll be with his wife) i heard his friend say "why did you tell her? you shouldn't have told her that. in the first place she would never know" and i was like, "oh, so that is the good friend you told me. he is even telling you to lie to me!"
perhaps if i should've known about this earlier, before he made a decision, i might not have reacted this way. i felt guilty of shouting at him and not letting him speak and defend himself. but everything i felt and said, i wasn't sorry for that. i really felt bad and i have to let it out. i don't want to hide what i am feeling and be angry with him every time i am reminded of this situation. i want this to be resolved right away and start a new beginning.
after all that's been said and done, he apologized for what he has done. i apologized too. i really felt bad. i just hope this won't happen again. or it does, i won't react this way anymore. now as i ponder and contemplate, am i that harsh? that i don't trust him and i don't want him to be with other people? Lord, if Your heart was in mine during this situation, how would You react?
...perhaps He would feel bad but say ok. now i'm feeling guilty. but i can't take back my word- i'm still hurting. sorry God...