Enigma of the Heart

it's my complacency that led to emptiness. i've been so preoccupied with things that are not of worth, instead of diligently seeking Him. and now i wonder why these things are happening, where His presence could be, what His will is for me, and many other questions that only He could answer. I'm engaged with things that i lost sight of Him. my eyes were veiled, my senses insensitive of His calls. all too often i complain with my situation but i rarely took time to pray. while i begin to ask where is He in those difficult times, i didn't notice He was there, right beside me all the time.

nevertheless, God is compassionate, merciful and faithful. He never gets angry for long, and always forgives. He is always willing to fill our hearts with His peace, love and joy. When we ask, He will answer. God is always with us. all we have to do is to go to Him. seek Him. spend time with Him. for only then we will experience His presence. only then we will be sensitive to His voice. and when we find Him, His river will come rushing toward us and drown us... at that moment, we are filled to the brim and overflowing.

it's actually Christmas morn as of this writing, and i haven't slept yet after a day's preparation for the Christmas dinner. it was fulfilling, though, inspite of the exhaustion. cooking for my family is always like a wish fulfillment on my part. i wanted to become a chef one day (aside from the many other aspirations i have for myself that I wanted to come true) and so i practice by cooking for them, especially on special occassions. i've been doing this since i was in high school and i will continue doing this until God brings me home. :)

These past few days, before the holiday mode sets in, i've been pessimistic of what this season would bring. recently we were worrying on making ends meet, and celebrating the holiday was a bit of a burden. for several days i quarrel edward for complacency (or irresponsibility). but as the day sets in, i realize my mistakes. i err on most things and it's like blaming him for the fault i made. it was a difficult time but I thank God He has changed my view on things and everything ended well.

i went to the mall this afternoon and hordes of last minute holiday shoppers were bustling in the supermarket. it was late that i noticed a long line in the cashier station, and i managed to budget 2000 for 5 dishes. how i did that was a miracle- all i knew is that God was with me, guiding me all the way. good thing  i found a shorter line which people failed to notice and took advantage of it. i was able to be back earlier in time for the dinner preparation.

i did everything on my own- shopping and cooking. i carried 5-7 kl of items in one hand and another 3-6 kilos on another. i rested for a while and decided to cook.

although Christmas season brings cool breeze, it also carries typical illnesses accompanied by the cool weather. my children and I were not spared of those illnesses. and they were sick when we attended their Christmas party. it was Rizia who was lethargic when we attended their party. as for Shareign, she was still active and alert though showing signs of sickness. it was still a great party!

yesterday while i was buying medicine for my sister, i saw pastor Kim, and told me that i will be translating his preaching in Filipino. i agreed.

this morning at church, ate Glo, pastor, James and i went to Antipolo for their Sunday service. i missed the outreach, i missed the people and they missed me too. most of all, i missed interpreting. i even had the chance to sing again. Lord, thank You for the opportunity.

i know that i will feel OP (as in out-of-place) because "new" members of the youth are in the mother church, and their leader was there too. i tried so much so as to fit in, and showed them that even if i'm "new" in the church, i'm comfortable with everyone. i am not trying to regain my rightful place in the church, but i want to be a helping hand to further the kingdom of God through the church. i will help in any way i can- exerting effort, giving my time, skills and abilities for the glory of God. i am deeply burdened of the realities in the church, that i know i can do something to help.

HERE I AM LORD, SEND ME.

yup, i am definitely feeling Christmas!!! the breeze is so cool that i have to wear long sleeves and pajamas. i'm loving it!!!

this afternoon we went to the mall and bought stuffs for the kids' exchange gifts and did some pre-Christmas shopping. i bought this cool dress i'll be wearing for the church Christmas party! tomorrow if i won't forget, i'll be posting pics of my new dresses!

i am excited for Christmas but somehow a bit sad. my husband won't be home for Christmas this year. i miss him so much and the kids miss him too. the kids are always looking for him (especially the youngest). she's always asking me when daddy is coming home. i don't know if they have an idea that this same season last year, their dad came home. it's so sad that he's not here. but next year, hopefully, he will be celebrating the holidays with us :)

miss you so much EDWARD! i love you so much!! ♥

Myspace Chistmas Comments

what a way to be back from hiatus- to blog about an outrage of jealousy and selfish love. and it's not about someone- it's about me. and this is how it all started.

he told me about a certain event he will be attending to tomorrow. he said that that event would include bowling and prizes. there's this contest where you'll get to win when they chose you as the star of the night- something like that. and that he would never want to miss that event. he even stated that they are allowed to bring a partner. and he told me that he will bring his friend's girl friend. not romantic girl friend but a girl friend. so i was like, "what?! you didn't even tell me about it. and you've already made a decision?!" i was super jealous and envious and mad and sad and all of those emotions. i am deeply hurt, that my hands and feet were all sweaty and that my tears are welling up in my eyes. i just have to release these emotions and so i stopped typing and started calling him.

"putsa naman. i should've been in her place didn't you know that? while i'm here missing you, you've replaced me with someone else!!!" it's like a line in dramas and romance pocketbooks. and it's happening to me now. and he explained that it was not replacing. it was like my friend thought that i don't have a partner so he decided to bring his girl friend along to be my partner. and i got a lot more furious. "so you agreed?! didn't you have your own decision? why did you let him decide for you? didn't you ever thought of what i would feel? didn't you even consider my feelings?" he told me that this isn't a big deal and that i shouldn't make a big deal of the situation. it's a friendly thing. friendly thing for him but not for me.

that place is for me. and no girl should be there. "they know that you are married. it's a scandal that you are bringing along a girl whom you are not even close with and people knew that you are married. people might suspect that just because i am not there, you're looking for someone who would take my place!"

i am so mad that even if i try to lower my tone, i couldn't. but i have to moderate my voice or else i'll be shouting in fury. that is an absolute outrage. perhaps this wouldn't be a big deal for others, but for someone who's jealous and possessive as i am, it is a massive, gargantuan deal.

it's not that i suspect my husband of infidelity or that he has a possibility of cheating. i trust him that he will never do that. the reason why i got angry is out of selfishness and jealousy and envy. i should be there. and since i am not there, no girl should be there with you. just me. in the first place, i don't know the girl. if by any chance i have been introduced to the girl i might not have reacted this way. or if he would just have chosen to tag along a flatmate then it's no problem. but why a girl? he can even go by himself! why choose to be with that girl!

what aggravated the situation is when he called his friend (who asked him to bring along that girl, and that certain girl is a crush of his friend. he cannot ask that girl to be with him because he's married and he'll be with his wife) i heard his friend say "why did you tell her? you shouldn't have told her that. in the first place she would never know" and i was like, "oh, so that is the good friend you told me. he is even telling you to lie to me!"

perhaps if i should've known about this earlier, before he made a decision, i might not have reacted this way. i felt guilty of shouting at him and not letting him speak and defend himself. but everything i felt and said, i wasn't sorry for that. i really felt bad and i have to let it out. i don't want to hide what i am feeling and be angry with him every time i am reminded of this situation. i want this to be resolved right away and start a new beginning.

after all that's been said and done, he apologized for what he has done. i apologized too. i really felt bad. i just hope this won't happen again. or it does, i won't react this way anymore. now as i ponder and contemplate, am i that harsh? that i don't trust him and i don't want him to be with other people? Lord, if Your heart was in mine during this situation, how would You react?

...perhaps He would feel bad but say ok. now i'm feeling guilty. but i can't take back my word- i'm still hurting. sorry God...

too bad i wasn't able to attend church this morning. but next sunday i will be attending church here. back to where i belong. back to what i love doing the most and back to the friends i enjoy the company of. i love serving God in this church, though it has led me to go in and out, falter and be revived again. perhaps i've been influenced by the people around me and the circumstances, but this time i will keep my focus on God alone. Lord help me, that whatever happens i will just look to You.

my friends are so excited to learn that i'll be back, and we're planning activities for the young people. i must spend more time for studying than facebook. so it means, lie-low for facebook and on fire for the ministry!

now, i will take advantage of my last few days of active playing. when i have committed myself for the ministry, i will give up facebook. i'll be playing ONLY when i have the time. especially that it's Christmas season, i know that i'll be very very busy.

that's ok. at least i'm not idle. strange things happen when i am idle. yup.

God bless us all!

this afternoon me and my mini-me went to Shareign's school to attend the parents-teachers meeting. it's not really a conference, but a one-on-one talk with the teachers. they evaluate your child's performance and behavior in class and communicate it with the parents. that way the parents will have an idea of how their child is doing at school. i'm so thankful to God that little by little, i am seeing an improvement with her and that she is learning a lot from school. she has improved grades as well and i'm very proud of her.

the meeting also included information regarding their upcoming Christmas party on Dec. 16. we were told to prepare a special number and i thought of dancing to nobody by the wondergirls. i don't really know how in the world will i be teaching Shareign the steps to the song, but i just hope that she will get it anyways. we'll just have to practice everyday! i can't imagine myself dancing infront of other parents and teachers. but now, i am starting to visualize it and realize that it's embarrassing!!! hahahaha! :D but definitely i will give my best dance moves. i want them to know that i've got a knack for it *wink* and besides, it's a family affair. everyone at school will be experiencing the embarrassment... (what a self-encouragement!) they will be having an exchange gift too, and food potluck. we're talked into bringing fried chicken. *yum* it's ok coz we'll just buy a bucket of chicken from KFC. i'll be posting pictures and video of our dance number.

so i choreographed steps for our dance number. i made the steps easy so that the kids will easily follow and memorize. 30 minutes of teaching them made me tired! we will definitely do that again tomorrow.

this morning, i wondered if i could fit in to my old jeans i used to wear when i was still in college. i rarely used that jeans because it's really small- a size 25 and because i gained fat in my belly and gluts. since my diet is proven effective (by me, of course) i tried wearing the jeans and was surprised.... yes!!! at last, i was able to wear it again!!! hopefully i'll be able to wear it tomorrow... i noticed that i was a lot slimmer than before and decided to maintain this diet, and this body. i will resist the temptation of eating too much, and practice moderation and discipline. for 3 weeks i haven't eaten rice- i eat smaller portions of rice or bread, then compensate it with last minute exercise or a dance routine. i still wish i'll be a little more slimmer though. i'd like to return to my college weight- 90-95lbs. that would be my aim next year- and a good new year's resolution too!

i am tired and sleepy. i had a very busy day. i even forgot to mention earlier that we went to the mall after the meeting, and we ate and did window shopping. i have to canvass prices for the gifts and dresses and all of those things. i will be very busy this Christmas season. good thing our helper is back.

God bless us all :)

isn't this a miracle? i'm not playing facebook today, hahaha :) i decided to edit my layout again and add a picture that will serve as a background and voila! my happylicious layout is done-deal! it's not as nice as others but i have put a lot of time and effort doing it. also, i'm a newbie in the world of html and css... not bad for a freshman eh?

i've also been playing around with my photoshop and realized that it has a lot of cool features for image editing. that's where i did my background :)

i thought of making a list of groceries for the Christmas dinner. i should be doing that now and plan the dishes i'll be brewing for the Noche Buena :D i am getting excited... as usual, we'll be having potato croquettes, carbonara and/or pancit, ham, cake, fruit salad or macaroni salad. of course, i won't forget posting pics here! and also, we're planning to go to Star City. dear Lord, i pray that this event will push through... please?? thank You! and i would be making a list of presents, and to whom i will give them. there's for the kids, and for mama, for bebs, for my inaanaks, and melissa, and the teachers of the kids. now i began to realize how much this will all worth!

i will check on my facebook now and read showbiz articles and post those are worth sharing.

Merry Christmas!

it took me 3-4 hours choosing skins and editing layouts. at last, i made this one perfect! it's just the way i like it. guess i'll be a lot more inspired writing! but i have to do that tomorrow. i got to sleep. it's already 4:33 am and i'm very very sleepy.

thank You. Lord!! i'm so happy :)

i don't know how i've forgotten to blog about the events right after they have happened. perhaps i am too busy with facebook that i forgot about it...

FRIDAY was the finale of my favorite reality show, Survivor Philippines Palau. this is the second season of the hit franchise.  and as promised, season 2 was filled with new challenges that were originally Pinoy, and shocking twists. even at the finale, fans were still guessing who would be the next Pinoy Sole Survivor. the final 3 vying for the title and the pot money- P3M- were jef gaitan "the girl next door", justine ferrer "the beauty queen" and amanda coolley van cool "the probinsyanang tisay". the ladies proved that they are deserving to be the sole survivor, but it was the jury who will choose which of them will carry on JC Tiuseco's place as the Pinoy Sole Survivor. amanda won 4-3-0, with justine having 3 votes and jef 0. after 64 episodes, survivor season 2 bade goodbye. and people holler, season 3!!!! i wish it will still be paolo bediones and no other!! no one will ever take his place as SP host!!! ~so love Paolo Bediones and SP! :)

i haven't blogged in a long while and i really missed sharing juicy stories of what's going on with me. haha, juicy? there've been a lot of plans, come's-and-go's, and decisions i have to make. good thing i have the Lord with me or i'm sure i'll burst. for every plan and every decision there are a lot of considerations and weighing them, justifying each of them is not at all easy. there are times when i feel more discouraged than hopeful, or perhaps i've been lingering in the thought of the impossibility that it attempts to falter my faith and think of the negative. but of course, i wouldn't let that thought stay too long inside my mind. i won't let that happen. the Holy Spirit is at work within me and my faith sticks on the promises of God and to God Himself. i believe there is nothing He can't do and that He will fulfill the purpose He has for me. God wanted to give me all the good things He planned for me just as long as i continue to trust in His will and believe in Him.

THE PLANS
1. moving to a new home- where? i don't yet. we are still praying for it. but God willing it will be next year, somewhere in Taytay or Antipolo.
2. continue college education- enroll next year in UP, or any school God is leading me to. but hopefully it will be UP.. :)
3.going back to my former church- i really, really, really have to pray for this. i'm asking God for directions and leading. can't do this without HIM. after all, i'm doing this for God's glory.

the message at church is about faith and is very timely. these past few days i've been receiving messages about faith all the time. and i know that it's really God who speaks to me through different people in different circumstances. the sermon struck me- if you want to progress and receive great things, blessings from God, then you should be willing to TAKE THE STEP OF FAITH. after all, fatih without deeds is dead. these plans are like super colossal walls vs. a minuscule me in front of it that it's hopeless to get over it, tear it down, even impervious from man-made things that are made to demolish. but I have faith. I have God. all i have to do is pray, worship Him and do what is needed to do. and with just a snap of His mighty powerful Hands, that gigantic, humongous wall will crumble in front of me, with success just behind it. and the glory is due to whom it is due- to the EVER LIVING, ALMIGHTY GOD.

faith, i can move the mountains. i can do all things through Christ. faith, standing and believing. i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Hillsong Faith (For This Cause)

Hebrews 11:6 (New International Version)

since last year, i haven't been controlling my diet. i eat anytime i want especially if it's my favorite. i attempt to lose weight everytime i feel heavy or if my clothes doesn't fit the way it used before. and it has caused a major weight gain- 110 lbs. it feels like i am pregnant!

so i have decided and i am very determined to lose weight. my first day was i didn't eat anything at all- just juice and milk. from thereon i removed carbo from my diet, and more on fiber and protein. and i exercise through bellydancing. it was successful, i have lost 10 lbs in 1 week!

i have maintained a 100 lbs weight, and i still want to lose 5 lbs more. so i just continue what i have started, and and stick to this diet permanently- even during Holidays (Lord, please help me!)

i have seen a significant change in my body since i started losing weight. i have a smaller waist, and back to my small figure. but i still want to lose more and achieve the weight i had when i was in college. it is kinda difficult to lose 5 lbs more. if i really wanted to lose that much, it means i shouldn't eat for 3 days! i doubt if i can do it... :)

i'm not losing weight for a high school reunion. it's all for myself. i'm doing it for me. to boost my confidence and self- esteem. i will keep you in track of the latest updates of my weight loss program haha.

cool breeze, short days and long nights, Christmas trees adorned with bright lights and colorful decorations sold in the department store speaks Christmas. omg, it feels and smells Christmas coming!!!

i don't know how many times i've mentioned that this is my most favorite time of the year, and indeed it is. in preparation for a totally cool Christmas, i've bought a Pashmina scarf and i'm loving it! this is gonna be my travel buddy this season.

something happened which made us consider moving out- a rift between my mom and our landlord. i'm not sure whether this is God's will or not, but what's definite is that if everything falls into place then that must be His will. after all, if it's not His time then this isn't gonna happen. we may have the desire but if it isn't His will, that desire will remain as that and won't be fulfilled yet. we're awaiting for that wonderful time when He's gonna reveal His will, and when He has provided everything for the big move.

moving isn't easy. we have a lot of considerations which may affect our decision whether or not to move. first, there's our business. when we move, my investment will be gone (for awhile i hope, and I'm praying that God will give me another investment- a bigger one :) ). secondly, our desire to pursue our college education. if we prioritize the move, then there might be a possibility that my schooling will be postponed for next year. i am fully aware of the family's expenses, including debt payments, and i don't want to contribute to our debt pile up. instead, i wanted to help alleviate the burden of expenses. third is my daughters' education. i don't want an instantaneous decision, i want everything all planned, and all going on as planned. i want the move only on summer. aside from a good weather, it's the children's vacation. so we have a lot of time packing, and being busy with everything without interfering with the kids' education. we have to really pray a lot for it. we want God to move and for His will to be done.

i wanted to plan what dishes to prepare this Christmas. i'd like to have a theme for this season- i will think about it. or perhaps not. the family is conventional and not used to any changes hehe. definitely there'll be fruit salad, and potato croquettes. other than that, i have to think of and search in the web :)

this november 30 will premiere my much awaited tv series- the Filipino adaptation of Full House! it is topbilled by Richard Gutierrez playing the role of Justin and Heart Evangelista who will play the role of Jessie. the Korean version of full house is adored by millions around the world, and the good thing is that GMA Network bought the rights of this series not just to be shown here but for the making of the Filipino adaptation as well. I am so excited for this!



49 days to go before Christmas! yay! :)

this morning at church they played this song "I Love to Love You". i wasn't familiar with the song but i got the melody quite quickly that i was able to sing along with the worship team. here it goes,

omg. it's like 2 weeks of hiatus for me, and i missed blogging! before i used to blog every single day and give account of what's happening to me. but life is just the same everyday, with a dash of spice to make it an adventure. writing the same old things everyday is boring so i just skip blogging. but I thank God for my simple everydays... given another chance to live is a reason to celebrate God's goodness and faithfulness- and to change, and improve.

3 days ago, my preschool classmate and high school mate asked me if i will join our high school reunion on december. i really don't know if i will come- i mean it's good to see old friends and classmates and high school crushes... but i don't think i am bold enough to face them. the fact that i am not a college graduate unlike them. but at least i have a business, right? i do not envy them that they're like in an executive position in their respective careers because they've been working for 6 years already. or like i haven't achieved anything that i would consider a fulfillment. on the other side, i am fulfilled having a family, and a business too. perhaps i haven't trashed my inferiority complex just yet. it's still here, just like the way i felt when i was in high school. but i won't let this feeling linger inside of me. i won't let this consume me and make me feel embarrassed or ashamed. i know that in some ways, i am a lot better than they are- in my own right i mean. :)

Christmas is really coming so fast, and the sooner it comes the more i miss my husband. there are a lot of times when i see myself cry over a Christmas commercial, showing couples hugging and kissing and there's Christmas song in the background. it's not that i don't want Christmas to arrive, it's my most favorite time of the year, it's just that i'm missing a piece that i would really wanted to have this holiday season. if it were not for money problems, he would have filed his vacation leave this Christmas and he might have been coming home soon. God give me the strength. i know i will cry a lot.

i have been busy with facebook, playing different applications every 5 minutes. since my sister is at work, i have my time for facebook and play all those games i have bookmarked.

i just started my diet today. from 110 lbs last week i have lost 6 lbs and now i weighed 104. i was just starting to accept that my weight was like when i was pregnant but i couldn't take the fact that from size small or XS i am now a medium!!!! grrr!!!! and so i  have decided to do a strict diet from now on. my goal is to lose 5-10lbs more in 1-2 wks. so that would be 94-95lbs in 2 weeks. and maintain from thereon. for me, it's better to be skinny than to be fat. of course i will eat! only in moderation.

this past week there were always tension between edward and i especially when the issue is about MONEY. because of that, i've been contemplating on a lot of things everyday and i'm doing it simultaneously with facebook hahaha. kidding aside, i've been thinking of a lot of things lately but i cannot share it now. i feel like i am not ready to divulge it yet. i just want to keep it to myself for now. or perhaps i am not in the writing mood because i am feeling weak ( diet, you know) and sleepy at the same time. when i got time, i will write about it tomorrow.

God bless us all!

yesterday, October 16, we celebrated Rizia's advanced birthday, and belated birthday for Shareign. what?
advanced birthday celebration because it's supposed to be on the 22nd. but since we've got money now, we decided to celebrate it before the money is gone. belated birthday celebration for Shareign because her birthday was last April 16 and there wasn't any party. so i just did a double birthday bash for the kids- one celebration, less costly :)

after lunch i set-up the room, inflated the balloons and put up the banner. my sister and i went to the mall to buy cake, pansit, chicken and pizza. we also bought them presents- a pack of dino's and horses, a box of puzzle pieces and a tea set.

i've always dreamed of winning the lottery. who wouldn't wanna win? i don't really envy people who win lotsa money from the lottery but it would always hit me, like, there must have been a lot of good luck and good fortune that their ticket won. we don't patronize lottery or any forms of gambling. we depend on God for blessings and provisions and not from that- even if you have the purest of intentions. the end does not justify the means. and know what? i never really tried betting and/or joining the lottery.

but what if, just what if, i won a hundred million pesos? wow. i will be surprised and shocked and sweaty and shaking and nervous and happy- all at the same time. what would i do with it? i should start making a list of what-to-do's in case that would happen :)

1. i'd buy a house and lot. i've seen this cool house in Antipolo from a website and it costs P4.8M. not bad if you've got a lot of money.
2. i'd buy a car. no, an SUV perhaps, good for family trips. brand? i don't know, i'm not really a car lover. it has to be safe, and spacious. not really big. just enough for 7.
3. i'd donate to charities and give my offering to the church. 10% of how much i've got. i don't care if it's P10M. after all, if God didn't let me win, i wouldn't experience that P100M.
4. i'd franchise a fastfood, specifically, Jollibee. very lucrative. after 6-12 months, you will see your ROI. and after another 6 months, doubled ROI. cool.
5. i'd treat the family to Hongkong Disneyland and we will travel to places we dreamed of going- Palawan, Boracay, and anywhere!
6. i'd continue my college education, as well as my sister's. of course, i will enroll my children in the best school.
7. i'd expand our internet shop business. this is our very first investment so i don't want to give this up.
8. if it's the will of God, i will ask my Edward to resign from his work abroad and just stay here with us, help me manage our businesses.
9. i'd build a resort, salon/spa and.... what else are my dream businesses? i forgot. i'd remember them eventually...
10. SAVE SOME!!!
11. i'd share my blessings to my close friends and relatives. i'm not close-fisted as long as i have something to share :)

wow. how i wish for this to come true... as God said in His word, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE :)

later, we will be celebrating my daughter's bday. if there will be no change in plans then it will be later, in the afternoon.yehey!!!

need i say more? i am more of disappointed too. discussing the issue won't do me any good. i don't know, i'm not in a writing hype to compose. i'm stressed. got to rest. and yeah, i am upset. very very upset. >.<

last night, around 9:30 pm we experienced black out. we were wondering why that happened, when there is no typhoon, no rains nor winds. it lasted for 3 hours. as soon as the lights got up i turned on the TV for the news about the black out but i tuned in late. so in the news this morning, reporters said it was a transformer which caught fire, or exploded or got broken or something. and due to that, blackouts will be by turns- quezon city, marikina, pasig and rizal. and that outtage will last for 6 hours. we're included in the black out (coz we live in rizal) and this morning, blackout started 11:30 am until 2:30. we had electricity for only 3 hours and it striked again. from 5:30pm until 8:00pm. i am afraid that the black out will be up again, we're nearing the 3 hour mark and it will be blackout time again. hopefully that transformer will be fixed soon so we wo'nt be having power outage. i think the electric company wants our appliances to be broken. imagine what they are doing?  it's like earth hour every 3 hours. grrr. >.<

it's 78 days before Christmas. i remembered that when i watched SiS.

on my previous blog i have said that we fired our house helper and so i have to do the things she has been doing. i did that today.

i don't wake up early because i hate waking up early. i'm not really a night person but i just feel that the hours of the day is not enough, so i have to stay awake late at night to finish everything else. i have also said that my sister's been in front of the computer all day and so i've got no chance to use it during the day. my only chance is at night when she goes to bed. i woke up early today, 7am. i felt so weak because i slept for only 5 hours and my body is not used to that. i mean it's enough if i sleep at least 5 hours but it's a hassle to wake up early. i have to prepare for my kids' breakfast because they're going to school. i cooked, i cleaned the house, washed the dishes, did the laundry, scrubbed dirty shoes and the walls too, reformatted the computer and a lot more. imagine doing that in just one day? i probably am a wonder woman- in my own right i mean.

it was an answered prayer that our house helper talked herself to sending and fetching the kids to school. she apologized and so i accepted her and gave her a second chance. after all we were impressed by her performance and how she treated the kids like she was their mother. she was very caring with the kids and loving. that's what's important to us- especially that she has accepted the case of my special daughter. she treated her with special care and understands her. so we decided to accept her back.

that's all for today. got to go to bed and rest rest rest. God bless us all.

wow! i can't believe i have reached my 50th post! this is a milestone... hehe :)

i've always wanted to write a diary even when i was younger but after 2- 3 posts i neglect it. i get bored writing so i just gave up. and now that i've reached my 50th post goes to show that i am taking this blogging rather seriously- or not really. but now it has become my habit  to blog before i go to sleep. while playing facebook, i am already thinking of what to share. and honestly, i don't really know! ;)

i guess 2-3 weeks more and Survivor Philippines season 2 will wave goodbye. tomorrow's episode will be the merge, from 2 tribes they will unite as one and be called Sonsorol. i just love the blooming romance of Jef and Marvin. i'm so kilig!!! i witnessed the castaways' character in the game- some of them i loved, and some of them i hated. but overall, Survivor Philippines is the best!!!

when i was in high school i really really loved the music and songs of The Corrs. now that i've found karaoke of their songs i can sing to it and have fun.

2 days ago, in an interview with Isabel Oli in Startalk, a tag is written, "Isabel Oli Storycon, Full House" and i was like, wow! yehey!!! i admire her and she's my bet to playing the role of Lorraine in Full House. wow.

i asked Edward to buy me a laptop. when my sister's not at work i can't open my facebook because she's sitting in front of the computer all day. i hope that he will surprise me on Christmas day with a laptop!!!

i have realized the importance of my blogging. when i get old and want to look back on events that happened in my life, i'll have something to look to and read. and my children are gonna read this, and my grandchildren and great grandchildren. if you're reading this, i just want to tell you,

GOD BLESS YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL!

after 2 months of not attending church, at last, i was able to attend this afternoon. i missed our church- victory Christian fellowship. we were there not just to attend service and hear the message of the Lord but we came there to worship God through songs, fellowship and message.

after church we went to mcdo for a grub. my kids missed going to the mall too. and their faces were painted with excitement as we ride up the escalator.

i really wish for a videoke because i really really wanted to sing. so i tuned in to youtube and sang my heart out. there are karaoke videos there so i really enjoyed singing to them. :)

we were having problems with our house help. the whole day yesterday she went out but she never texted when she will be back; so i assumed that she’s not interested of going back here anymore. there were a lot of things that happened and so we’ve decided to just fire her.

i admit it will be very difficult for me to do the things she’s doing. but with God’s help, i know that i can make it.

i am really very sleepy now. i wanted to share some more but my eyes are getting heavy…i wanted to lie down and rest. nyt nyt everyone, God bless us all.

last week was rough but memorable. i remembered it was a saturday when the typhoon struck and we lost electricity. yesterday another typhoon hit the northern regions of luzon, which in a way affected metro manila. typhoon pepeng is as destructive as ondoy, only ondoy generated so much rains while pepeng produced more winds. we can sleep soundly tonight for we are far from danger. the direction and speed of typhoon pepeng changed and i hope it would leave the country ASAP.

i'm so thankful that metro manila is now recovering from the damages caused by the typhoon. one filipino virtue is resiliency- easily rebounding from any adversities. and filipinos are a bunch of happy people. not because we make fun of the situation, but we have hope in our hearts that these problems will come to pass and that a Supreme Being- God- is going to bless us.

i know that inspite of what have happened, filipinos are very optimistic- we will have a merry Christmas. to celebrate God's goodness and protection, and to thank Him for what He has done.

i've lost count as to how many days it is before Christmas. i do not want to count anymore. i'll post it tomorrow :)

oops, i did it again. i thought i was over that and assumed i'll never do it again. i was very determined to pull out those thoughts and feelings from my heart and mind but they kept haunting me. oh just when am i going to learn? c'mon, stop making the habit of saying sorry! if you're really sorry then just stop doing it!!! divert your attention to things worthwhile. and when you feel it, just ignore it! do not pay attention, ok~! grrr. and now you're sorry- again. this time i hope it's for real.

i remember a verse from the Bible,

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

pepeng is here. don't you worry because God will turn that typhoon in the opposite direction- back at sea- so it won't aggravate the pitiful situation of our fellowmen. God will protect us. and because of fear that flood levels will go up, my relatives from Pinagbuhatan who experienced flooding evacuated here at home. they might stay here until Christmas or just until the flood subsides. and i'm not in good terms with Edward. (do you really have to post that? ;-) oh well.


thank you, God for forgiving me from all my sins. but that verse doesn't give me the right to sin, just because You'll keep on forgiving me. You require me to be holy just as You are holy God. please help me to not commit sin and glorify Your Name always. protect us from harm o God, and may You reverse the direction of the typhoon so it would just stay at sea and won't continue devastating the country. thank You, Jesus.

85 days before Christmas!

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name...

was the absolute cry of my heart. i chose to praise God though we're in the midst of crisis. just last week, the business was closed because of the ISP network restoration. since then we have no other form of income. then typhoon ondoy struck. we had to accomodate our relatives who were greatly affected by the flood. our cousin with jaundice was diagnosed with viral infection and the doctor's early diagnosis was he probably has cancer. their house is still flooded as of this time. my husband is having difficulty supporting our needs because he has to pay for his bank loans. we cannot afford to send my daughter with autism to therapy because we don't have money to pay for it. this month's bills are still unpaid. i don't know how am i going to pay for them.

honestly, my heart doesn't lose hope. my faith still clings in me that i can't afford to feel hopeless. i have a powerful God who can turn these adversities into blessings. i know that God has His reasons, His purpose why He allowed us to experience suffering. i am not a hypocrite to say that i never felt fear. i tremble too. but God's love and grace overpowers that fear and it swallows it whole. we may be in the midst of suffering but my God is the God who provides. God has a plan for us. perhaps God wanted us to empty our jars so that when we are all dried up God will heavily pour His blessings that we will be filled to the brim, not having enough jars to contain it. after these sufferings i believe that God will surely bless us that we can't contain it, so much that we have to give away.

i cannot be angry with God. God is too good to be unkind. He may have allowed us to suffer but He will never forsake us. His hand will always be guiding, protecting and blessing. His heart overflowing with love, grace and mercy.

God, we may be experiencing trials now but i believe that we are more than conquerors because we have Jesus. You will never leave us nor forsake us. You have plans for us- it is to prosper us, give us hope and a future. we will hold on to You, God. BLESSED BE YOUR NAME

88 days before Christmas.

many thanks to tangle, my source of inspirational videos.

heavy rains struck the metro and its neighboring towns, 26th of September 2009, Saturday. our electricity was cut-off around 3:25 in the afternoon, and was brought back after 3 days. for 3 days we were clueless of the disaster that Typhoon Ondoy generated. we only heard rumors of the flood that reached 5-6 feet deep, and stranded people in the streets and inside their homes or on the roofs of their houses waiting to be rescued. it was tragic, and it was the first time i have ever experienced that kind of calamity.

we were still fortunate though, that we live on a higher area of Cainta, where we rarely experience flooding. but for those living in the low lands, they have been greatly affected by the floods. 27 September at 4:00 am, the electricity in a village behind our house was restored. of course we envy them every time we look out of our window and see our neighbor have electricity.

inspite of that we're still very thankful to God that somehow we still have money to buy food. and that time i was expecting remittance from my husband in Dubai. we went out, 4:30 in the afternoon and saw muddy roads and bushes that fell from trees. just then have i realized the aftermath of the calamity. we went to a market 3 blocks away from the village, and saw that a fast food is closed. i brought along our drained cellphones to be charged in a convenience store in that area and saw that it was broken. there was a shortage of candles. there were limited crops in the market and so i realized how terrible the situation was.

28th of September we went out to withdraw money from a mall. hordes of people were shopping that time and bought a lot of supplies that stocks ran out. candles, canned goods, bread even poultry and meat products. people were panic buying for the fear of running out basic supplies. but if there is no electricity, where in the world are you going to keep fresh produce so it won't spoil? good news is that the floods subsided, and the roads passable even by small vehicles.

only today, 29 September, at 11:30 am was the electricity restored in the village and everything went back to normal. i browsed the internet to see news of the typhoon and was grief-stricken to what my fellowmen suffered. what they have gone through was worse than ours. their appliances, electronic gadgets were broken; their clothes dirty; their houses muddy inside out. at least we were just cut off-of electricity and internet and telephone. i thank God for protecting us and for sparing us from the calamity. i just wouldn't know what i would do if i were in their situation, considering my special daughter and my old mother. and i don't know how to swim! i don't know what i would do...

my aunt asked for help because flood reached inside their house. they said that it would take 2 months before the flood would completely subside- not just in their area but to those who are greatly affected by the flood as well. so my cousin and her 4 month old baby girl would be here with us until everything is ok.

i've seen people showing their concern for our situation that they are offering monetary support. we're not really asking that from them but if their hearts tell them to help us then it would be greatly appreciated. actually, the mere act of concern is enough to touch my heart to let me know that i am not alone.

i know this is just but one part of life one has to go through. and when one has overcame the trials he will be so much blessed. as long as you pray and believe that you already have what you've prayed for then consider it done. in this kind of situation it only takes faith and prayer, and a hopeful heart.

thank You God for Your grace. thank You for Your love that endures forever. thank You God, thank You Jesus for everything. I love You, Lord. thank You so much.

89 days before Christmas!

this morning, i was so thankful that God healed me. i praised and thanked Him in my prayer. i seek for Him during my morning quiet time. and i found the promises from God's word which i can trust. i wanted my life to live for God's glory and the Spirit revealed to me through God's word how i could live a life glorifying to God. if i want to know the perfect will of God for my life, i should be transformed and renewed. i shouldn't conform my self any longer to the patterns of this world. According to

Romans 12:2

           Do not conform yourself any longer to the pattern of this world , but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.

that ain't easy to do. but by the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit, i know that i can do it. if i have to renew my mind then i have to censor my thoughts. any thought that is not aligned with God's words should be pulled down, and thrown away. that is actually one of the keys to a victorious Christian life- to have our minds renewed and transformed by Jesus then everything we do is in obedience to God. when you become obedient to God, definitely the blessings will follow. i quoted and memorized this verse so that i could have a weapon.

2 Corinthians 10:5

            We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we make captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

our minds is the battlefield. everytime we think of something, especially if it is not good, then we're already engaging in a battle. we shouldn't dwell on that thought for too long, or else we will be imagining things within what we thought. when we start imagining we think of the steps that we're going to take just to do what we thought of. and when we let our thought and imagination linger on our minds, we take action. why? because that imagination became a stronghold and starts controlling our life. that is conforming to the world. we have to censor our thoughts. throw down negative thoughts and rebuke it in the name of Jesus. replace it with God's words that has power. we should be controlled by God, and not by our thoughts. our thoughts should always be according to God's word and the perfect will of God. that should be our stronghold- God's words. when we have fully relied on God's word, we will truly be victorious in every aspect of life. trials may come but that wouldn't tear you apart and break you to pieces. because God's word and His promises are our foundation, we're sure to be blessed even in our trials and sufferings. we just have to learn to censor our thoughts and

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

God bless us all!

90 days left before Christmas! exactly 3 months before Christmas day. oooh, so exciting! :)

i guess i wanted something new in my life- or at least try out something new. i wanted to try belly dancing. this morning i am perked up to try out the dance exercise but everyone at home woke up early as i did. ashamed of being seen dancing, i postponed my dance exercise till tomorrow.

this morning i have felt something in my chest. a piercing sensation but it suddenly goes away. then comes back, then goes away. it kinda bothered me, so i prayed for it. actually, i felt it since last night. so since last night i started praying for it. and every time i feel it, i pray. i claimed in Jesus Name that i am healed, by His stripes i am definitely healed. even if it continues to bother me, i know i am healed. i have entrusted to God my whole health, and even the health of my family. if He has healed sick people long before i was born, i know that He will do the same with me.

i have this book entitled Hung by the Tongue by Francis Martin, and it is filled with God's promises we can rely on to our daily lives. Pastor Martin shared in his book that success is ours if we speak it. we can claim God's promises if we believe by faith. fear will prevent us from speaking victory. it will deter our faith. if we believe in our hearts that Jesus healed us, then we speak it by faith, God will surely heal us. it is very timely that i received his message, for i am experiencing a physical malady. like the personal experience of Pastor Martin, i too have entrusted to God my health. i told God that i believe in Him that He alone can heal me, even if i don't go to the doctor. He is our Great Physician and by Jesus stripes we were healed. fear has seeped in my heart too. but i rebuked it and claimed God's healing. i know i am healed. i praise and thank Jesus for healing me. now i have my own testimony to share- of how God's power healed me.

truth is i'm still experiencing that as of this writing. but i exercise my faith, i believe in God. and when He said that i am healed, i know i am healed.

Mark 11:24
      Whatsoever things you desire, when you pray, believe that ye receive them and ye shall have them.

91 days before Christmas!

*thank You Jesus for healing me.

i started my day with a prayer then took a bath. i ate lunch and did facebook. in the afternoon, i decided to play Cabal online again. i was a little excited to play after months of hiatus. i'm not  in the mood for facebook now. i just collected my earnings and will be installing Cabal online in a while. i don't have that game in this computer so i'll have to install it. last night i watched  high school musical 1. i just love sharpay evans!!!

good thing i'm counting the days before Christmas. even though i'm not in the mood to blog, i have to. because i have to count here. i started it so i better finish it.

i don't really have much to say. i am excited to play Cabal. toodles!

92 days before Christmas!

God bless us!

i've never realized sitting all day makes you really tired- until now.

i spent my whole afternoon remodeling my farm in facebook and i am so super tired. i sat in front of the computer all afternoon, clicking mouse, moving objects here and there, buying stuffs from the store and all that. i was so serious with that that i forgot to eat. now i lost my appetite which makes me feel so lethargic.

this morning i browsed the website of toy kingdom to find educational toys for my kids. i thought it would be a perfect Christmas gift rather than gifting them with toy cars or horses. i found a kiddie educational laptop that teaches different languages- English, Spanish, French and German. it also teaches music, math and science. i have to buy one for each of them so they won't quarrel. the only problem is that it is costly! a unit costs 7500+ and for both of them, it's 15000!!! perhaps i would just buy the less expensive one and will forget my Christmas wish.

i can't take this any longer, i want and need to rest.

and oh, before i forget, i want to show you the picture of my farm town, the result of my hard work and labor.

 

as usual nothing much has happened, my days are always monotonous and customary. i'm convicted to get up and get going to exercise what i have learned and, to help my mom in the shop. my mom's not getting any younger so i have to be responsible with supervising the shop- or at least help her. i am always upstairs, handling the server and doing facebook all day. today, i got tired of playing and i shifted to writing plans and goals and wishes. thankfully though, my account is under maintenance so i haven't played too much- just collected the "earnings" from my "properties" and after that, signed out. somehow it helped my addiction to falter. now, i've got the chance to check and organize my mails. i've neglected them since i've become hooked to facebook. i check them only once a week, or when i think that my mail's been piling up. i've disregarded a lot of things since i've had my eye on fb, and realized that i should moderate my playing. i guess i'll just have to log in only if i have to collect my earnings, and play a little bit and that's it. i have even missed exercising. argh. i really have to do something about this.

i've started doing a script for my own movie or tv series but i never meant to submit it or what. it's my simple way of expressing the thoughts in my mind. my literary fantasies and stories that i wished would happen to me in reality but can't. the problem is aside from being a facebook fanatic, my mind is always in a whirlwind and can't focus on a single story. if i have a lot of hands then i might have done different stories and just compile them to make it one. it is a sign of a balanced brain- according to my results. sometimes both sides of my brain have their different opinion depending on their point of view which makes it difficult for me to decide. it's like i wanted to have both. actually, if i have to decide which i want better, and i'm having trouble making up my mind, i'd choose both. if i can't have both then i would rather have none at all. but if i really, really have to make a judgment, then i would go with what my heart tells me- or is it my mind? or perhaps what appeals to me at the moment. i really wanted to finish that script. i wanted to accomplish something worthwhile being an educated bummer :)

i'm trying out this virtual makeover studio from DailyMakeover.com to experiment with  hairstyles and makeup that suits me before applying it on myself. i feel the need for a total makeover. i wanted to see myself with a new hairstyle and with makeup on to boost my confidence and self- esteem. ever since i was a kid i've never seen myself beautiful. my mom told me that i am not pretty unlike my sister. even my relatives would say that my sister is more beautiful than i do. i grew up being a wallflower, never noticed at all. very rare are the instances that someone would say that i am beautiful. and i would definitely appreciate that compliment. growing up, i have learned to accept that fact that i am not as beautiful as other people, but still i am thankful because God gave me a complete body. since i have learned to accept that, it doesn't matter anymore if i am ignored at or people would say, she's not pretty. i don't care. i love myself, i love my God- given beauty (in my own right) though they won't appreciate it. but acceptance doesn't mean embracing mediocrity. of course not. i still try to look good by dressing up or putting makeup on. even if i don't have the personality, i know that i exude that aura of confidence and poise because i have learned to love myself. i live up to my philosophy that if i feel good, i will look good. and it definitely shows. well, not really, but somehow.

i hope that these awakening will not remain a realization. i wish that they serve as a motivation to fuel change in my actions, consummate my being, and be better for the glory of my Maker.

94 days before Christmas! it's just around the corner... can't wait!

God bless us!