Enigma of the Heart

oops, i did it again. i thought i was over that and assumed i'll never do it again. i was very determined to pull out those thoughts and feelings from my heart and mind but they kept haunting me. oh just when am i going to learn? c'mon, stop making the habit of saying sorry! if you're really sorry then just stop doing it!!! divert your attention to things worthwhile. and when you feel it, just ignore it! do not pay attention, ok~! grrr. and now you're sorry- again. this time i hope it's for real.

i remember a verse from the Bible,

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

pepeng is here. don't you worry because God will turn that typhoon in the opposite direction- back at sea- so it won't aggravate the pitiful situation of our fellowmen. God will protect us. and because of fear that flood levels will go up, my relatives from Pinagbuhatan who experienced flooding evacuated here at home. they might stay here until Christmas or just until the flood subsides. and i'm not in good terms with Edward. (do you really have to post that? ;-) oh well.


thank you, God for forgiving me from all my sins. but that verse doesn't give me the right to sin, just because You'll keep on forgiving me. You require me to be holy just as You are holy God. please help me to not commit sin and glorify Your Name always. protect us from harm o God, and may You reverse the direction of the typhoon so it would just stay at sea and won't continue devastating the country. thank You, Jesus.

85 days before Christmas!

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name...

was the absolute cry of my heart. i chose to praise God though we're in the midst of crisis. just last week, the business was closed because of the ISP network restoration. since then we have no other form of income. then typhoon ondoy struck. we had to accomodate our relatives who were greatly affected by the flood. our cousin with jaundice was diagnosed with viral infection and the doctor's early diagnosis was he probably has cancer. their house is still flooded as of this time. my husband is having difficulty supporting our needs because he has to pay for his bank loans. we cannot afford to send my daughter with autism to therapy because we don't have money to pay for it. this month's bills are still unpaid. i don't know how am i going to pay for them.

honestly, my heart doesn't lose hope. my faith still clings in me that i can't afford to feel hopeless. i have a powerful God who can turn these adversities into blessings. i know that God has His reasons, His purpose why He allowed us to experience suffering. i am not a hypocrite to say that i never felt fear. i tremble too. but God's love and grace overpowers that fear and it swallows it whole. we may be in the midst of suffering but my God is the God who provides. God has a plan for us. perhaps God wanted us to empty our jars so that when we are all dried up God will heavily pour His blessings that we will be filled to the brim, not having enough jars to contain it. after these sufferings i believe that God will surely bless us that we can't contain it, so much that we have to give away.

i cannot be angry with God. God is too good to be unkind. He may have allowed us to suffer but He will never forsake us. His hand will always be guiding, protecting and blessing. His heart overflowing with love, grace and mercy.

God, we may be experiencing trials now but i believe that we are more than conquerors because we have Jesus. You will never leave us nor forsake us. You have plans for us- it is to prosper us, give us hope and a future. we will hold on to You, God. BLESSED BE YOUR NAME

88 days before Christmas.

many thanks to tangle, my source of inspirational videos.

heavy rains struck the metro and its neighboring towns, 26th of September 2009, Saturday. our electricity was cut-off around 3:25 in the afternoon, and was brought back after 3 days. for 3 days we were clueless of the disaster that Typhoon Ondoy generated. we only heard rumors of the flood that reached 5-6 feet deep, and stranded people in the streets and inside their homes or on the roofs of their houses waiting to be rescued. it was tragic, and it was the first time i have ever experienced that kind of calamity.

we were still fortunate though, that we live on a higher area of Cainta, where we rarely experience flooding. but for those living in the low lands, they have been greatly affected by the floods. 27 September at 4:00 am, the electricity in a village behind our house was restored. of course we envy them every time we look out of our window and see our neighbor have electricity.

inspite of that we're still very thankful to God that somehow we still have money to buy food. and that time i was expecting remittance from my husband in Dubai. we went out, 4:30 in the afternoon and saw muddy roads and bushes that fell from trees. just then have i realized the aftermath of the calamity. we went to a market 3 blocks away from the village, and saw that a fast food is closed. i brought along our drained cellphones to be charged in a convenience store in that area and saw that it was broken. there was a shortage of candles. there were limited crops in the market and so i realized how terrible the situation was.

28th of September we went out to withdraw money from a mall. hordes of people were shopping that time and bought a lot of supplies that stocks ran out. candles, canned goods, bread even poultry and meat products. people were panic buying for the fear of running out basic supplies. but if there is no electricity, where in the world are you going to keep fresh produce so it won't spoil? good news is that the floods subsided, and the roads passable even by small vehicles.

only today, 29 September, at 11:30 am was the electricity restored in the village and everything went back to normal. i browsed the internet to see news of the typhoon and was grief-stricken to what my fellowmen suffered. what they have gone through was worse than ours. their appliances, electronic gadgets were broken; their clothes dirty; their houses muddy inside out. at least we were just cut off-of electricity and internet and telephone. i thank God for protecting us and for sparing us from the calamity. i just wouldn't know what i would do if i were in their situation, considering my special daughter and my old mother. and i don't know how to swim! i don't know what i would do...

my aunt asked for help because flood reached inside their house. they said that it would take 2 months before the flood would completely subside- not just in their area but to those who are greatly affected by the flood as well. so my cousin and her 4 month old baby girl would be here with us until everything is ok.

i've seen people showing their concern for our situation that they are offering monetary support. we're not really asking that from them but if their hearts tell them to help us then it would be greatly appreciated. actually, the mere act of concern is enough to touch my heart to let me know that i am not alone.

i know this is just but one part of life one has to go through. and when one has overcame the trials he will be so much blessed. as long as you pray and believe that you already have what you've prayed for then consider it done. in this kind of situation it only takes faith and prayer, and a hopeful heart.

thank You God for Your grace. thank You for Your love that endures forever. thank You God, thank You Jesus for everything. I love You, Lord. thank You so much.

89 days before Christmas!

as usual nothing much has happened, my days are always monotonous and customary. i'm convicted to get up and get going to exercise what i have learned and, to help my mom in the shop. my mom's not getting any younger so i have to be responsible with supervising the shop- or at least help her. i am always upstairs, handling the server and doing facebook all day. today, i got tired of playing and i shifted to writing plans and goals and wishes. thankfully though, my account is under maintenance so i haven't played too much- just collected the "earnings" from my "properties" and after that, signed out. somehow it helped my addiction to falter. now, i've got the chance to check and organize my mails. i've neglected them since i've become hooked to facebook. i check them only once a week, or when i think that my mail's been piling up. i've disregarded a lot of things since i've had my eye on fb, and realized that i should moderate my playing. i guess i'll just have to log in only if i have to collect my earnings, and play a little bit and that's it. i have even missed exercising. argh. i really have to do something about this.

i've started doing a script for my own movie or tv series but i never meant to submit it or what. it's my simple way of expressing the thoughts in my mind. my literary fantasies and stories that i wished would happen to me in reality but can't. the problem is aside from being a facebook fanatic, my mind is always in a whirlwind and can't focus on a single story. if i have a lot of hands then i might have done different stories and just compile them to make it one. it is a sign of a balanced brain- according to my results. sometimes both sides of my brain have their different opinion depending on their point of view which makes it difficult for me to decide. it's like i wanted to have both. actually, if i have to decide which i want better, and i'm having trouble making up my mind, i'd choose both. if i can't have both then i would rather have none at all. but if i really, really have to make a judgment, then i would go with what my heart tells me- or is it my mind? or perhaps what appeals to me at the moment. i really wanted to finish that script. i wanted to accomplish something worthwhile being an educated bummer :)

i'm trying out this virtual makeover studio from DailyMakeover.com to experiment with  hairstyles and makeup that suits me before applying it on myself. i feel the need for a total makeover. i wanted to see myself with a new hairstyle and with makeup on to boost my confidence and self- esteem. ever since i was a kid i've never seen myself beautiful. my mom told me that i am not pretty unlike my sister. even my relatives would say that my sister is more beautiful than i do. i grew up being a wallflower, never noticed at all. very rare are the instances that someone would say that i am beautiful. and i would definitely appreciate that compliment. growing up, i have learned to accept that fact that i am not as beautiful as other people, but still i am thankful because God gave me a complete body. since i have learned to accept that, it doesn't matter anymore if i am ignored at or people would say, she's not pretty. i don't care. i love myself, i love my God- given beauty (in my own right) though they won't appreciate it. but acceptance doesn't mean embracing mediocrity. of course not. i still try to look good by dressing up or putting makeup on. even if i don't have the personality, i know that i exude that aura of confidence and poise because i have learned to love myself. i live up to my philosophy that if i feel good, i will look good. and it definitely shows. well, not really, but somehow.

i hope that these awakening will not remain a realization. i wish that they serve as a motivation to fuel change in my actions, consummate my being, and be better for the glory of my Maker.

94 days before Christmas! it's just around the corner... can't wait!

God bless us!

last night i was making a 2nd facebook account and decided to change my name, status and all. i'm out looking for my high school school mates and my high school crushes too. luckily, i found my high school crush- JC. i won't be mentioning his real name, he might have an idea of who i am. or not really. but he's still as handsome as before- grabe nakakakilig pa rin. his looks just matured and i found out that he's got a baby... but i guess the girl left him or he left the girl... i don't know. i didn't feel like, oh good, because first and foremost i am happily married and lastly, he never had any feelings for me. he didn't even know my name, or he hardly ever knew me at all. i don't care about him really, it's just that seeing him makes me relive my high school memories. i sure wish he would feel the same though. joke.
there's this one guy who has been my crush since he started attending in our church. his initials PYS. tall and cute, a foreigner but speaks tagalog well. their family has lived here for 15 years i think and since then he considers himself a filipino- though he's not from here. he's got a pretty girlfriend who is simply irreplaceable. during the times he's here we became very close, and we became very good friends. i never assumed that he liked me whenever he treated me nicely or whenever he sits beside me and talk. though he never did that to anyone but me. i never gave meaning to his glances and smiles though there is something in me that makes me want to like him. both of us are aware that we have current relationships and we're both Christians. that deterred my feelings for him. i love my husband so much. i stopped texting him since he left the church, for there is no reason for me why i have to text. i don't want him to think that i must have feelings for him or something. the last time we saw each other was when he visited me last year. and i saw his account on fb. my 2nd account didn't request connection with him. i don't want him to realize that i was like looking for him. i sound so defensive, right? i guess this is my way of fighting the feeling i had for him. it isn't completely gone but i am trying to avoid anything that would revive that something. past is past. i was never meant for him in the first place. and him for me.
i will treasure all these and these will remain a mystery forever. i just hope they will never read this and realize who i am. and most of all, i hope that no one- not even my friends or relatives and most especially my husband- would ever read this post. haha. why do i have to write it if i don't want to share this? weird.

96 days left till Christmas!

i can't really hide my excitement knowing that it's 97 days left till Christmas! even this early i am planning for things to do, and where to go and what gifts to buy. when the thought of Christmas hits me, my smile is all the way up to my ears. hahaha.
i heard a Christmas tune on TV and got all the more excited. i am planning for us to go Star City, but not on the holidays- probably earlier- to avoid crowd frenzy. i am praying for a PS3- with a dance dance revolution with it, and a Magic Sing. and hopefully, a new cellphone too! i am not expecting to have these, but in my heart, well, i am hopeful :)
i got pissed off while doing facebook this afternoon. i can't get to play my new games! grrr... i guess there are still some kinks that fb is still trying to  fix. oh well.
praise God i was successful with fixing the computer! at least i won't have to buy a new computer. at least not now.
my mom has been addicted to youtube. she's been tuning in to it all night. :)
i don't know what else to share...
just a...
MERRY CHRISTMAS! yehey pasko na!!!! woohooo!!!!

97 days before Christmas!!!

i will detail the events that occurred to me during the day. (so as i won't miss a thing! *wink*)
this morning, my plan was to accompany rizia just around the block to wait for her school service. i told her that i wouldn't come with her to school and will just wait for her till she arrives. she told me to come with her. i explained my plan but being a kid, what she wanted was her wish to be granted. but the school service's driver went home to fetch rizia which left my little girl with no choice. she left home waving goodbye and saying, "bye mommy!" we were laughing while the driver held her hand and walked away. i felt sad for my daughter but she'll get used to it eventually. that's one Filipino trait we cannot let go- affection and so much love for our children that it seems like we don't want them to grow up, or parents want to be just beside their children all the time- we just can't let go. as much as i want them to be independent, sometimes i feel like they're just not ready yet. but i have to learn the art of letting go- i mean for the good, so that they'll learn.

as my sister and i sent shareign to her school, the weather was so intensely hot and humid. dark clouds seem to gather overhead, but the sun was still shining bright. we're bound to eastwood and travelled a series of tricycle rides. i didn't know that there's a way heading to cubao from gate 5 pasig. only today did i discover, hahaha. i accompanied bevs to her former company for clearance. we didn't stayed there long. but while we were there, the rain was so strong as if it's signal no. 2. we are still to fetch shareign from school. and while we're travelling back, we were confronted by the strong rains- which fashioned us a wet look: wet jeans, wet shoes, wet shirt, wet bags and wet hair. good thing the rain stopped as we got to shareign's school.

we headed to the mall 3 blocks from mariam. my sister and i bought flip- flops and shorts and changed our wet attire. before we went home we ate at kfc and relished pasta bowl, big bucket of fries and juicy chicken. what a sure fire to a bad weather.

what an experience. i would want to do it again- only at home. thank God we're ok :)

there are a lot of happenings this past week. first, my daughter's been schooling. as a hands-on mom i wake up in the morning to prepare their breakfast and baon, send them to school and fetch them after classes. as i've told in my previous posts, i'm getting really tired but this weekend is just a blessing. of course, no classes!

last friday my sister brought home a bad news. she was terminated from sitel because of poor performance and tardiness. my sister was saddened about the announcement. that was the first job she liked in her whole working life, and the only job she enjoyed doing. that was the only job she felt she was happy doing that she never dragged her feet going to work. too bad it wasn't meant for her. she felt she was sabotaged by indifferent superiors so she was terminated. but my sister's resilient. she bounced back after that incident. she realized that God is teaching her something and that there is certainly a purpose why God didn't want her to continue working there. the reason why, i don't know, but God will reveal it in time.

last wednesday or thursday ( i can't really remember the exact day) i received a letter from PLDT and Telus. the pldt letter is for me, about my default payment arrangement. truth is i forgot about it, and wasn't able to pay for it. so they sent me a letter. but now it's settled. :) from Telus is for my sister, stating that she has to report back for work after an AWOL (my sister always does that *wink*).  it as a month already since she AWOLled from job but it was a coincidence that they sent a letter because she was about to be terminated from work. unfortunately though, the letter was so super delayed that they have closed her profile in the company and can't go back to work- unless she re-apply. wala rin, ganun din. hehehe.

another bad news surprised us: my cousin who is pregnant and married is now abandoned by her husband leaving her for another woman. that cousin of ours is our closest cousin- she was like a sister to me. i was shocked when she sent me a message in my friendster about it. my sister called her up immediately to find out if it's true, and indeed it is. i feel so bad for her. i think men like his husband should be put to jail. at least be put to jail rather than be killed. let's just say whatever is the worse- i just won't say it.

she has to sue him for infidelity- only if she have in hand an evidence to prove it. but i think she has to pursue suing him. if i were her i'd not want to have anything to do with him and her family. i'll take responsibility of raising the child without the father. i'd rather think of him as dead or not existing at all. even if his family would ask to see our son i'd fight for my right as a mother neglected by their son who doesn't care at all. i hate guys like that.

and also last friday, my daughter wasn't able to go to school because her school service didn't fetch her up. i'd definitely tell the principal about this matter. they should know that it will be hard for my daughter to travel! the reason why we sent her there to study is because of the tuition fee! and a service from school is equivalent to money because i will be paying for it! i just want convenience for my daughter. they should've told me if they are not going to fetch her so we'll be looking for someone else! grrrr...

while i was looking for my daughters' birth certificates, i found my CAP certificate of scholarship. it was a scholarship certificate transferred to me by my husband since he's busy working. he has given me that so i can continue my studies. unfortunately it didn't push through, so the certificate was like useless over the years. now that i found it i'd like to pursue my college education again. how i wish it's God's plan.

i think i've already mentioned in my previous post that we already found a helper at home. better so that she could do the things i don't want to do- cleaning the house, washing the dishes and all the other chores. hehehe. but she's leaving for work as early as now (she just came in last week and now she's asking for a vacation). valid reason: she has to take her baby girl back to the province. the baby is hindering her from working. several times she can't finish her job on time because the baby is crying and is looking for her. there are times that she can't clean our room because she has to leave early. she even forgot to iron my daughter's uniform! grrr... very emotional week.

but above it all, i'm thankful for God's grace, we're still alive. God is so good! Thank you, Lord!

be updating again if i'm not busy. so long, maties!

everytime dumadami ang kain ko lalo na sa gabi sumasakit ang tiyan ko sa umaga. nagigising talaga ko ng maaga dahil sa sakit. pero hindi naman ako kaagad nau-uu. masakit lang talaga sya. 3 times ko palang nae-experience yun sa buong buhay ko- pangatlo kanina.

yung first time nun di ko na masyadong naalala pero isa lang ang culprit- yung katakawan ko. i confess. sadyang malapit lang talaga sa puso ko ang pagkain at mahilig talaga ako kumain. lalo na ng vegetables. sobrang mahilig ako sa vegetables. kaya lang dahil nga hindi ko macontrol yung sarili ko sa pagkain ganun tuloy nangyayari. natatawa sila sa ken... ang siba ko nga naman kasi. pero nasasaktan naman ako- sa sakit ng tiyan ko.

yung second time ganun pa rin. kaya nga sinasabi ko na hindi na talaga ko kakain ng marami. never again.

eh kagabi, ang ulam namin sinigang na hipon. tapos yung tuyo na binili namin ang sarap nya. hindi sya talaga lasang tuyo. para syang smoked kaya ginanahan talaga ko kumain. nung afternoon nag greenwich pa kami. inorder ko para sa kin lasagna. solved na sana ko dun. kaso naman yung anak ko di naubos yung pizza nya, ako pa kumain. eh di nasobrahan tuloy ako. kaninang umaga sakit talaga ng tiyan ko. ayan kasi, ang siba eh.
dahil tuloy dun di nakapasok mga anak ko sa school. hay.

ayoko na nga sabihin na hindi na talaga ko kakain ng marami, promise. hindi ko na sinabi yun kanina. ang hirap kasi tuparin. basta ita- try ko na lang yung best ko na icontrol yung kain ko. good luck na lang sa ken.

kahapon pala sa greenwich nung sine-serve na yung order naming drinks, may customer na naka sanggi dun sa waiter. natapunan tuloy mama ko ng pineapple juice. di man lang nagsorry yung customer! grabe yun. buti na lang mabait yung crew saka managers ng greenwich sta. lucia. binigyan kami ng maraming tissue at towel pang sapin sa likod ni mama. bahala na ang Diyos sa customer na yun. walang modo. at sa mga staff ng greenwich sta. lucia, maraming salamat po, mabuhay po kayo!

i'm just starting to like blogging when i didn't have a choice but to be in hiatus for a while. now that i'm back, (not for long) i am brimming with stories to tell.

if i'm not mistaken, i guess it has been 3 weeks to 1 month since my mom got sick. i had to perform her duties as she relieved from her job (job..hehe!) i had to do the dishes, the cooking, everything but the laundry. most importantly, i had to manage the shop.  i do not complain or anything. i love the fact that i'm always busy, it keeps my adrenaline pumping. it's just tiring though. while i took her place i missed the things i was doing- sleeping foremost, then surfing the net and playing games. including blogging and plurk. it's a good thing i was whiled away from the computer- at least i don't plurk anymore. as if my world revolved around it that as i woke in the morning and before sleeping at night, going to the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth i have to plurk. i am free! wahehehe!

my mom's doing fine now, better than the past few weeks. she can do some chores now without complaining of dizziness. at least i have help in doing tasks at home. she's currently taking medications and thank God she's getting better everyday.

i'm not sure if i mentioned here that we're experiencing financial difficulty. i do not want to elaborate, that thing i want to keep private. but ever since we started to face this problem, we see God's hand all throughout every hopeless situation we face. my husband is the most affected by this bad situation. he is in Dubai and there, the cost of living is high as in above sea level. i asked him how his salary provides his needs. he was amazed of how God is working in his life. the remainder from his salary is not more than a hundred dirhams but it can get him through one month! some things we thought are impossible are really possible for God. i don't how God does that... it makes wonders!

he owes the bank four hundred and fifty dirhams. he actually didn't know how to produce that money or where in the world he would get it. it's in hopeless situations where God displays his awesome power. he was so desperate to pay the bank so he asked for my help. i sent him 5000 pesos but that wasn't enough to pay the bank. he added the last money he has left, his allowance for this whole month. still wasn't enough. he has to look for 20 dirhams more. in that moment he prayed, took a step of faith and went to the atm machine to withdraw money. he remembered he only has 7 dhs left in his account. but without checking his balance he just pressed withdraw-100. he was amazed at the power of God.  the atm screen read, "thank you. you may now take your cash and your card." cash? he still had a hundred dhs left in his account and it was so much more enough to pay the bank and his allowance for the whole month! he was blown away he wanted to cry. tears welled up in his eyes, his body shaking from joy and awe. we know God is a God of wonders, of impossibilities, of might and power but you'll never know how it's like till you experience it!

we have abandoned the land we own somewhere in Pasig. we didn't have any plan for it at all. the only plan we have is to sell it.

it's been more than 10 years since we've acquired that land. it was my mom and dad's investment. unfortunately we cannot afford to pay the monthly dues and even attempt to build even just a small house on it. so what we wanted was to just sell it. we've been preoccupied with many many things that we didn't remember about it at all. since there are no direct buyers, we just left the negotiations in the hands of the members of the association. it was one answered prayer too. a prayer that we never thought would be answered so soon. i mean we've been praying for it for a long time but since we haven't realized about it we thought well, perhaps God will answer it some time. we're in the brink of the financial struggle when we received this blessing- a prospect buyer asks how much we are selling the property! and know what, after a week we already received the payment and processed the documents. it was like, wow, God you're so amazing!

we were able to pay everyone we owe, and the bills, and everything else we need to pay. God's blessings are so timely. just as we were about to give up, just as we were about to lose hope, God's there. He hears the cry of a hopeless, desperate soul who just gives his heart and soul to trust the almighty God. he never fails his people who trusts him. when someone loses someone to hold, God's hand is there, His grip tight to never let you fall. God, all praises to You! Thank You Lord!

Reminds me of a song from Brenton Brown:

Psalm 7:17 (niv)


I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High.

Psalm 66:20(NIV)


Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!

Psalm 105:2(NIV)


Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.

To God be the glory forever and ever from everlasting to everlasting!

my journey to work continued. yesterday, i went back to Commonwealth for my final interview. the traffic was heavy that i got late for my appointment. after 5 minutes i was called. i got inside the room, not so tensed at all. i felt confident, i had to exude confidence or else i'll stammer. i was asked to describe myself, my work experience and educational background. she briefly told me the results of my exams and interview. she told me that the scores i got were below minimum requirement for tech support applicants, so they offered me customer service instead. but they have to assign me in Commonwealth. i didn't agree. the place isn't accessible. by cab yes, but practically i don't want to be assigned there. it will take me 1 hr to get there by cab and 2 hrs by other means. since the place is a hundred miles away from home i can't say that i'll be amenable in shifting skeds and graveyard. imagine spending 400 pesos only for a cab? that's unreasonable. i asked to be endorsed in ortigas, where it's nearer from our place, but the HR told me that i will be assigned for outbound collections. no way man! my sister whines about it and she told me that that account is toxic! i saw her several times dragging herself to work and gave up. i turned down all their offers, their options, which left me with nothing.

i didn't felt bad. i wasn't disappointed at all. i just felt sad that i didn't meet the expectations of the people believing that i can do it. and i was thinking that my dreams were like a feet away, so close that i can almost grab it. but it vanished into thin air, leaving my dreams shattered and my heart broken. i understand perfectly what the HR said, to weigh my options and consider my priorities. i can be hired if i wanted to but the thing is, even if convergys is prestigious and all but i didn't like my work, then it can be grueling. it will seem like a battle everyday. i'm not really after prestige, fame and money- that's secondary. i'd prefer to have a job where i can express myself and i am not confined. a job which i really love doing, a job that i really enjoy. you can't be successful if you force yourself to something you don't like doing. it's like pushing yourself against a wall- it will only leave you drained but you don't get through.

that night before, i prayed and asked God for His will to be done. i know this is what He wants. i'm not sure exactly why He allowed this to happen- i guess He wanted to teach me and show me something. things happen for a reason, and all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. Romans 8:28. one of these days i'll understand why it turned out this way. but i have placed my complete trust on the Lord, and i believe that He is planning something great and special for my life. i just need to wait upon the Lord...trust in Him...and one day everything will turn out OK.

if shakespeare's got "to be or not to be", i have, "to do or not to do" or more specifically, "to work or not to work".

i've been contemplating about this issue for the longest time and i haven't resolved this. until now i'm still weighing the pros and cons of the matter but i don't think it is helping me decide. my will always win.

i know very well the benefits if i work. there are times when i feel so motivated that i feel like submitting my application the earliest possible time. but when i think of the work, the stress, my kids, leaving home and all that, it makes me feel so bad. however i feel that when i work i know that it will definitely help the family. but, i know my personality- i'm easily bored doing the same things over and over everyday. see? that's why i'm having a difficulty deciding...

when i think of the money i'll earn and what i'm gonna do with it i feel driven to work. i should be thinking about it all the time so i won't lose my enthusiasm at work. but when i get bored at work- that's the problem. i also feel like i'm not ready to work. i've been stuck at home for a year already, and i'm used to being at home. waking up late, sleeping late, playing with the kids, managing the shop... and i remember. if i work and there's a problem with one of the computers, no one's gonna fix it. guess i'll just have to stay at home...

but my husband needs help making our ends meet. especially now that the kids are going to school this year. at times like this memories flashback in my mind, reminding me of the decisions i made. i regret how i lived my life. if only i thought of the consequences i should've been... aw. i hate this part right here.

i shouldn't look to the past and just press on towards the goal. yeah. i should think better now, i should make good decisions now if i wanted my life to be better. if i don't want to make the same mistakes i did. this dilemma's so complicated.

i'll just ask God for help.