Enigma of the Heart

what a way to be back from hiatus- to blog about an outrage of jealousy and selfish love. and it's not about someone- it's about me. and this is how it all started.

he told me about a certain event he will be attending to tomorrow. he said that that event would include bowling and prizes. there's this contest where you'll get to win when they chose you as the star of the night- something like that. and that he would never want to miss that event. he even stated that they are allowed to bring a partner. and he told me that he will bring his friend's girl friend. not romantic girl friend but a girl friend. so i was like, "what?! you didn't even tell me about it. and you've already made a decision?!" i was super jealous and envious and mad and sad and all of those emotions. i am deeply hurt, that my hands and feet were all sweaty and that my tears are welling up in my eyes. i just have to release these emotions and so i stopped typing and started calling him.

"putsa naman. i should've been in her place didn't you know that? while i'm here missing you, you've replaced me with someone else!!!" it's like a line in dramas and romance pocketbooks. and it's happening to me now. and he explained that it was not replacing. it was like my friend thought that i don't have a partner so he decided to bring his girl friend along to be my partner. and i got a lot more furious. "so you agreed?! didn't you have your own decision? why did you let him decide for you? didn't you ever thought of what i would feel? didn't you even consider my feelings?" he told me that this isn't a big deal and that i shouldn't make a big deal of the situation. it's a friendly thing. friendly thing for him but not for me.

that place is for me. and no girl should be there. "they know that you are married. it's a scandal that you are bringing along a girl whom you are not even close with and people knew that you are married. people might suspect that just because i am not there, you're looking for someone who would take my place!"

i am so mad that even if i try to lower my tone, i couldn't. but i have to moderate my voice or else i'll be shouting in fury. that is an absolute outrage. perhaps this wouldn't be a big deal for others, but for someone who's jealous and possessive as i am, it is a massive, gargantuan deal.

it's not that i suspect my husband of infidelity or that he has a possibility of cheating. i trust him that he will never do that. the reason why i got angry is out of selfishness and jealousy and envy. i should be there. and since i am not there, no girl should be there with you. just me. in the first place, i don't know the girl. if by any chance i have been introduced to the girl i might not have reacted this way. or if he would just have chosen to tag along a flatmate then it's no problem. but why a girl? he can even go by himself! why choose to be with that girl!

what aggravated the situation is when he called his friend (who asked him to bring along that girl, and that certain girl is a crush of his friend. he cannot ask that girl to be with him because he's married and he'll be with his wife) i heard his friend say "why did you tell her? you shouldn't have told her that. in the first place she would never know" and i was like, "oh, so that is the good friend you told me. he is even telling you to lie to me!"

perhaps if i should've known about this earlier, before he made a decision, i might not have reacted this way. i felt guilty of shouting at him and not letting him speak and defend himself. but everything i felt and said, i wasn't sorry for that. i really felt bad and i have to let it out. i don't want to hide what i am feeling and be angry with him every time i am reminded of this situation. i want this to be resolved right away and start a new beginning.

after all that's been said and done, he apologized for what he has done. i apologized too. i really felt bad. i just hope this won't happen again. or it does, i won't react this way anymore. now as i ponder and contemplate, am i that harsh? that i don't trust him and i don't want him to be with other people? Lord, if Your heart was in mine during this situation, how would You react?

...perhaps He would feel bad but say ok. now i'm feeling guilty. but i can't take back my word- i'm still hurting. sorry God...