Enigma of the Heart

what a way to be back from hiatus- to blog about an outrage of jealousy and selfish love. and it's not about someone- it's about me. and this is how it all started.

he told me about a certain event he will be attending to tomorrow. he said that that event would include bowling and prizes. there's this contest where you'll get to win when they chose you as the star of the night- something like that. and that he would never want to miss that event. he even stated that they are allowed to bring a partner. and he told me that he will bring his friend's girl friend. not romantic girl friend but a girl friend. so i was like, "what?! you didn't even tell me about it. and you've already made a decision?!" i was super jealous and envious and mad and sad and all of those emotions. i am deeply hurt, that my hands and feet were all sweaty and that my tears are welling up in my eyes. i just have to release these emotions and so i stopped typing and started calling him.

"putsa naman. i should've been in her place didn't you know that? while i'm here missing you, you've replaced me with someone else!!!" it's like a line in dramas and romance pocketbooks. and it's happening to me now. and he explained that it was not replacing. it was like my friend thought that i don't have a partner so he decided to bring his girl friend along to be my partner. and i got a lot more furious. "so you agreed?! didn't you have your own decision? why did you let him decide for you? didn't you ever thought of what i would feel? didn't you even consider my feelings?" he told me that this isn't a big deal and that i shouldn't make a big deal of the situation. it's a friendly thing. friendly thing for him but not for me.

that place is for me. and no girl should be there. "they know that you are married. it's a scandal that you are bringing along a girl whom you are not even close with and people knew that you are married. people might suspect that just because i am not there, you're looking for someone who would take my place!"

i am so mad that even if i try to lower my tone, i couldn't. but i have to moderate my voice or else i'll be shouting in fury. that is an absolute outrage. perhaps this wouldn't be a big deal for others, but for someone who's jealous and possessive as i am, it is a massive, gargantuan deal.

it's not that i suspect my husband of infidelity or that he has a possibility of cheating. i trust him that he will never do that. the reason why i got angry is out of selfishness and jealousy and envy. i should be there. and since i am not there, no girl should be there with you. just me. in the first place, i don't know the girl. if by any chance i have been introduced to the girl i might not have reacted this way. or if he would just have chosen to tag along a flatmate then it's no problem. but why a girl? he can even go by himself! why choose to be with that girl!

what aggravated the situation is when he called his friend (who asked him to bring along that girl, and that certain girl is a crush of his friend. he cannot ask that girl to be with him because he's married and he'll be with his wife) i heard his friend say "why did you tell her? you shouldn't have told her that. in the first place she would never know" and i was like, "oh, so that is the good friend you told me. he is even telling you to lie to me!"

perhaps if i should've known about this earlier, before he made a decision, i might not have reacted this way. i felt guilty of shouting at him and not letting him speak and defend himself. but everything i felt and said, i wasn't sorry for that. i really felt bad and i have to let it out. i don't want to hide what i am feeling and be angry with him every time i am reminded of this situation. i want this to be resolved right away and start a new beginning.

after all that's been said and done, he apologized for what he has done. i apologized too. i really felt bad. i just hope this won't happen again. or it does, i won't react this way anymore. now as i ponder and contemplate, am i that harsh? that i don't trust him and i don't want him to be with other people? Lord, if Your heart was in mine during this situation, how would You react?

...perhaps He would feel bad but say ok. now i'm feeling guilty. but i can't take back my word- i'm still hurting. sorry God...

this afternoon me and my mini-me went to Shareign's school to attend the parents-teachers meeting. it's not really a conference, but a one-on-one talk with the teachers. they evaluate your child's performance and behavior in class and communicate it with the parents. that way the parents will have an idea of how their child is doing at school. i'm so thankful to God that little by little, i am seeing an improvement with her and that she is learning a lot from school. she has improved grades as well and i'm very proud of her.

the meeting also included information regarding their upcoming Christmas party on Dec. 16. we were told to prepare a special number and i thought of dancing to nobody by the wondergirls. i don't really know how in the world will i be teaching Shareign the steps to the song, but i just hope that she will get it anyways. we'll just have to practice everyday! i can't imagine myself dancing infront of other parents and teachers. but now, i am starting to visualize it and realize that it's embarrassing!!! hahahaha! :D but definitely i will give my best dance moves. i want them to know that i've got a knack for it *wink* and besides, it's a family affair. everyone at school will be experiencing the embarrassment... (what a self-encouragement!) they will be having an exchange gift too, and food potluck. we're talked into bringing fried chicken. *yum* it's ok coz we'll just buy a bucket of chicken from KFC. i'll be posting pictures and video of our dance number.

so i choreographed steps for our dance number. i made the steps easy so that the kids will easily follow and memorize. 30 minutes of teaching them made me tired! we will definitely do that again tomorrow.

this morning, i wondered if i could fit in to my old jeans i used to wear when i was still in college. i rarely used that jeans because it's really small- a size 25 and because i gained fat in my belly and gluts. since my diet is proven effective (by me, of course) i tried wearing the jeans and was surprised.... yes!!! at last, i was able to wear it again!!! hopefully i'll be able to wear it tomorrow... i noticed that i was a lot slimmer than before and decided to maintain this diet, and this body. i will resist the temptation of eating too much, and practice moderation and discipline. for 3 weeks i haven't eaten rice- i eat smaller portions of rice or bread, then compensate it with last minute exercise or a dance routine. i still wish i'll be a little more slimmer though. i'd like to return to my college weight- 90-95lbs. that would be my aim next year- and a good new year's resolution too!

i am tired and sleepy. i had a very busy day. i even forgot to mention earlier that we went to the mall after the meeting, and we ate and did window shopping. i have to canvass prices for the gifts and dresses and all of those things. i will be very busy this Christmas season. good thing our helper is back.

God bless us all :)

isn't this a miracle? i'm not playing facebook today, hahaha :) i decided to edit my layout again and add a picture that will serve as a background and voila! my happylicious layout is done-deal! it's not as nice as others but i have put a lot of time and effort doing it. also, i'm a newbie in the world of html and css... not bad for a freshman eh?

i've also been playing around with my photoshop and realized that it has a lot of cool features for image editing. that's where i did my background :)

i thought of making a list of groceries for the Christmas dinner. i should be doing that now and plan the dishes i'll be brewing for the Noche Buena :D i am getting excited... as usual, we'll be having potato croquettes, carbonara and/or pancit, ham, cake, fruit salad or macaroni salad. of course, i won't forget posting pics here! and also, we're planning to go to Star City. dear Lord, i pray that this event will push through... please?? thank You! and i would be making a list of presents, and to whom i will give them. there's for the kids, and for mama, for bebs, for my inaanaks, and melissa, and the teachers of the kids. now i began to realize how much this will all worth!

i will check on my facebook now and read showbiz articles and post those are worth sharing.

Merry Christmas!

it took me 3-4 hours choosing skins and editing layouts. at last, i made this one perfect! it's just the way i like it. guess i'll be a lot more inspired writing! but i have to do that tomorrow. i got to sleep. it's already 4:33 am and i'm very very sleepy.

thank You. Lord!! i'm so happy :)

cool breeze, short days and long nights, Christmas trees adorned with bright lights and colorful decorations sold in the department store speaks Christmas. omg, it feels and smells Christmas coming!!!

i don't know how many times i've mentioned that this is my most favorite time of the year, and indeed it is. in preparation for a totally cool Christmas, i've bought a Pashmina scarf and i'm loving it! this is gonna be my travel buddy this season.

something happened which made us consider moving out- a rift between my mom and our landlord. i'm not sure whether this is God's will or not, but what's definite is that if everything falls into place then that must be His will. after all, if it's not His time then this isn't gonna happen. we may have the desire but if it isn't His will, that desire will remain as that and won't be fulfilled yet. we're awaiting for that wonderful time when He's gonna reveal His will, and when He has provided everything for the big move.

moving isn't easy. we have a lot of considerations which may affect our decision whether or not to move. first, there's our business. when we move, my investment will be gone (for awhile i hope, and I'm praying that God will give me another investment- a bigger one :) ). secondly, our desire to pursue our college education. if we prioritize the move, then there might be a possibility that my schooling will be postponed for next year. i am fully aware of the family's expenses, including debt payments, and i don't want to contribute to our debt pile up. instead, i wanted to help alleviate the burden of expenses. third is my daughters' education. i don't want an instantaneous decision, i want everything all planned, and all going on as planned. i want the move only on summer. aside from a good weather, it's the children's vacation. so we have a lot of time packing, and being busy with everything without interfering with the kids' education. we have to really pray a lot for it. we want God to move and for His will to be done.

i wanted to plan what dishes to prepare this Christmas. i'd like to have a theme for this season- i will think about it. or perhaps not. the family is conventional and not used to any changes hehe. definitely there'll be fruit salad, and potato croquettes. other than that, i have to think of and search in the web :)

this november 30 will premiere my much awaited tv series- the Filipino adaptation of Full House! it is topbilled by Richard Gutierrez playing the role of Justin and Heart Evangelista who will play the role of Jessie. the Korean version of full house is adored by millions around the world, and the good thing is that GMA Network bought the rights of this series not just to be shown here but for the making of the Filipino adaptation as well. I am so excited for this!



49 days to go before Christmas! yay! :)

this morning at church they played this song "I Love to Love You". i wasn't familiar with the song but i got the melody quite quickly that i was able to sing along with the worship team. here it goes,

omg. it's like 2 weeks of hiatus for me, and i missed blogging! before i used to blog every single day and give account of what's happening to me. but life is just the same everyday, with a dash of spice to make it an adventure. writing the same old things everyday is boring so i just skip blogging. but I thank God for my simple everydays... given another chance to live is a reason to celebrate God's goodness and faithfulness- and to change, and improve.

3 days ago, my preschool classmate and high school mate asked me if i will join our high school reunion on december. i really don't know if i will come- i mean it's good to see old friends and classmates and high school crushes... but i don't think i am bold enough to face them. the fact that i am not a college graduate unlike them. but at least i have a business, right? i do not envy them that they're like in an executive position in their respective careers because they've been working for 6 years already. or like i haven't achieved anything that i would consider a fulfillment. on the other side, i am fulfilled having a family, and a business too. perhaps i haven't trashed my inferiority complex just yet. it's still here, just like the way i felt when i was in high school. but i won't let this feeling linger inside of me. i won't let this consume me and make me feel embarrassed or ashamed. i know that in some ways, i am a lot better than they are- in my own right i mean. :)

Christmas is really coming so fast, and the sooner it comes the more i miss my husband. there are a lot of times when i see myself cry over a Christmas commercial, showing couples hugging and kissing and there's Christmas song in the background. it's not that i don't want Christmas to arrive, it's my most favorite time of the year, it's just that i'm missing a piece that i would really wanted to have this holiday season. if it were not for money problems, he would have filed his vacation leave this Christmas and he might have been coming home soon. God give me the strength. i know i will cry a lot.

i have been busy with facebook, playing different applications every 5 minutes. since my sister is at work, i have my time for facebook and play all those games i have bookmarked.

i just started my diet today. from 110 lbs last week i have lost 6 lbs and now i weighed 104. i was just starting to accept that my weight was like when i was pregnant but i couldn't take the fact that from size small or XS i am now a medium!!!! grrr!!!! and so i  have decided to do a strict diet from now on. my goal is to lose 5-10lbs more in 1-2 wks. so that would be 94-95lbs in 2 weeks. and maintain from thereon. for me, it's better to be skinny than to be fat. of course i will eat! only in moderation.

this past week there were always tension between edward and i especially when the issue is about MONEY. because of that, i've been contemplating on a lot of things everyday and i'm doing it simultaneously with facebook hahaha. kidding aside, i've been thinking of a lot of things lately but i cannot share it now. i feel like i am not ready to divulge it yet. i just want to keep it to myself for now. or perhaps i am not in the writing mood because i am feeling weak ( diet, you know) and sleepy at the same time. when i got time, i will write about it tomorrow.

God bless us all!

i've always dreamed of winning the lottery. who wouldn't wanna win? i don't really envy people who win lotsa money from the lottery but it would always hit me, like, there must have been a lot of good luck and good fortune that their ticket won. we don't patronize lottery or any forms of gambling. we depend on God for blessings and provisions and not from that- even if you have the purest of intentions. the end does not justify the means. and know what? i never really tried betting and/or joining the lottery.

but what if, just what if, i won a hundred million pesos? wow. i will be surprised and shocked and sweaty and shaking and nervous and happy- all at the same time. what would i do with it? i should start making a list of what-to-do's in case that would happen :)

1. i'd buy a house and lot. i've seen this cool house in Antipolo from a website and it costs P4.8M. not bad if you've got a lot of money.
2. i'd buy a car. no, an SUV perhaps, good for family trips. brand? i don't know, i'm not really a car lover. it has to be safe, and spacious. not really big. just enough for 7.
3. i'd donate to charities and give my offering to the church. 10% of how much i've got. i don't care if it's P10M. after all, if God didn't let me win, i wouldn't experience that P100M.
4. i'd franchise a fastfood, specifically, Jollibee. very lucrative. after 6-12 months, you will see your ROI. and after another 6 months, doubled ROI. cool.
5. i'd treat the family to Hongkong Disneyland and we will travel to places we dreamed of going- Palawan, Boracay, and anywhere!
6. i'd continue my college education, as well as my sister's. of course, i will enroll my children in the best school.
7. i'd expand our internet shop business. this is our very first investment so i don't want to give this up.
8. if it's the will of God, i will ask my Edward to resign from his work abroad and just stay here with us, help me manage our businesses.
9. i'd build a resort, salon/spa and.... what else are my dream businesses? i forgot. i'd remember them eventually...
10. SAVE SOME!!!
11. i'd share my blessings to my close friends and relatives. i'm not close-fisted as long as i have something to share :)

wow. how i wish for this to come true... as God said in His word, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE :)

later, we will be celebrating my daughter's bday. if there will be no change in plans then it will be later, in the afternoon.yehey!!!

need i say more? i am more of disappointed too. discussing the issue won't do me any good. i don't know, i'm not in a writing hype to compose. i'm stressed. got to rest. and yeah, i am upset. very very upset. >.<

last night, around 9:30 pm we experienced black out. we were wondering why that happened, when there is no typhoon, no rains nor winds. it lasted for 3 hours. as soon as the lights got up i turned on the TV for the news about the black out but i tuned in late. so in the news this morning, reporters said it was a transformer which caught fire, or exploded or got broken or something. and due to that, blackouts will be by turns- quezon city, marikina, pasig and rizal. and that outtage will last for 6 hours. we're included in the black out (coz we live in rizal) and this morning, blackout started 11:30 am until 2:30. we had electricity for only 3 hours and it striked again. from 5:30pm until 8:00pm. i am afraid that the black out will be up again, we're nearing the 3 hour mark and it will be blackout time again. hopefully that transformer will be fixed soon so we wo'nt be having power outage. i think the electric company wants our appliances to be broken. imagine what they are doing?  it's like earth hour every 3 hours. grrr. >.<

it's 78 days before Christmas. i remembered that when i watched SiS.

on my previous blog i have said that we fired our house helper and so i have to do the things she has been doing. i did that today.

i don't wake up early because i hate waking up early. i'm not really a night person but i just feel that the hours of the day is not enough, so i have to stay awake late at night to finish everything else. i have also said that my sister's been in front of the computer all day and so i've got no chance to use it during the day. my only chance is at night when she goes to bed. i woke up early today, 7am. i felt so weak because i slept for only 5 hours and my body is not used to that. i mean it's enough if i sleep at least 5 hours but it's a hassle to wake up early. i have to prepare for my kids' breakfast because they're going to school. i cooked, i cleaned the house, washed the dishes, did the laundry, scrubbed dirty shoes and the walls too, reformatted the computer and a lot more. imagine doing that in just one day? i probably am a wonder woman- in my own right i mean.

it was an answered prayer that our house helper talked herself to sending and fetching the kids to school. she apologized and so i accepted her and gave her a second chance. after all we were impressed by her performance and how she treated the kids like she was their mother. she was very caring with the kids and loving. that's what's important to us- especially that she has accepted the case of my special daughter. she treated her with special care and understands her. so we decided to accept her back.

that's all for today. got to go to bed and rest rest rest. God bless us all.

wow! i can't believe i have reached my 50th post! this is a milestone... hehe :)

i've always wanted to write a diary even when i was younger but after 2- 3 posts i neglect it. i get bored writing so i just gave up. and now that i've reached my 50th post goes to show that i am taking this blogging rather seriously- or not really. but now it has become my habit  to blog before i go to sleep. while playing facebook, i am already thinking of what to share. and honestly, i don't really know! ;)

i guess 2-3 weeks more and Survivor Philippines season 2 will wave goodbye. tomorrow's episode will be the merge, from 2 tribes they will unite as one and be called Sonsorol. i just love the blooming romance of Jef and Marvin. i'm so kilig!!! i witnessed the castaways' character in the game- some of them i loved, and some of them i hated. but overall, Survivor Philippines is the best!!!

when i was in high school i really really loved the music and songs of The Corrs. now that i've found karaoke of their songs i can sing to it and have fun.

2 days ago, in an interview with Isabel Oli in Startalk, a tag is written, "Isabel Oli Storycon, Full House" and i was like, wow! yehey!!! i admire her and she's my bet to playing the role of Lorraine in Full House. wow.

i asked Edward to buy me a laptop. when my sister's not at work i can't open my facebook because she's sitting in front of the computer all day. i hope that he will surprise me on Christmas day with a laptop!!!

i have realized the importance of my blogging. when i get old and want to look back on events that happened in my life, i'll have something to look to and read. and my children are gonna read this, and my grandchildren and great grandchildren. if you're reading this, i just want to tell you,

GOD BLESS YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL!

oops, i did it again. i thought i was over that and assumed i'll never do it again. i was very determined to pull out those thoughts and feelings from my heart and mind but they kept haunting me. oh just when am i going to learn? c'mon, stop making the habit of saying sorry! if you're really sorry then just stop doing it!!! divert your attention to things worthwhile. and when you feel it, just ignore it! do not pay attention, ok~! grrr. and now you're sorry- again. this time i hope it's for real.

i remember a verse from the Bible,

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

pepeng is here. don't you worry because God will turn that typhoon in the opposite direction- back at sea- so it won't aggravate the pitiful situation of our fellowmen. God will protect us. and because of fear that flood levels will go up, my relatives from Pinagbuhatan who experienced flooding evacuated here at home. they might stay here until Christmas or just until the flood subsides. and i'm not in good terms with Edward. (do you really have to post that? ;-) oh well.


thank you, God for forgiving me from all my sins. but that verse doesn't give me the right to sin, just because You'll keep on forgiving me. You require me to be holy just as You are holy God. please help me to not commit sin and glorify Your Name always. protect us from harm o God, and may You reverse the direction of the typhoon so it would just stay at sea and won't continue devastating the country. thank You, Jesus.

85 days before Christmas!

heavy rains struck the metro and its neighboring towns, 26th of September 2009, Saturday. our electricity was cut-off around 3:25 in the afternoon, and was brought back after 3 days. for 3 days we were clueless of the disaster that Typhoon Ondoy generated. we only heard rumors of the flood that reached 5-6 feet deep, and stranded people in the streets and inside their homes or on the roofs of their houses waiting to be rescued. it was tragic, and it was the first time i have ever experienced that kind of calamity.

we were still fortunate though, that we live on a higher area of Cainta, where we rarely experience flooding. but for those living in the low lands, they have been greatly affected by the floods. 27 September at 4:00 am, the electricity in a village behind our house was restored. of course we envy them every time we look out of our window and see our neighbor have electricity.

inspite of that we're still very thankful to God that somehow we still have money to buy food. and that time i was expecting remittance from my husband in Dubai. we went out, 4:30 in the afternoon and saw muddy roads and bushes that fell from trees. just then have i realized the aftermath of the calamity. we went to a market 3 blocks away from the village, and saw that a fast food is closed. i brought along our drained cellphones to be charged in a convenience store in that area and saw that it was broken. there was a shortage of candles. there were limited crops in the market and so i realized how terrible the situation was.

28th of September we went out to withdraw money from a mall. hordes of people were shopping that time and bought a lot of supplies that stocks ran out. candles, canned goods, bread even poultry and meat products. people were panic buying for the fear of running out basic supplies. but if there is no electricity, where in the world are you going to keep fresh produce so it won't spoil? good news is that the floods subsided, and the roads passable even by small vehicles.

only today, 29 September, at 11:30 am was the electricity restored in the village and everything went back to normal. i browsed the internet to see news of the typhoon and was grief-stricken to what my fellowmen suffered. what they have gone through was worse than ours. their appliances, electronic gadgets were broken; their clothes dirty; their houses muddy inside out. at least we were just cut off-of electricity and internet and telephone. i thank God for protecting us and for sparing us from the calamity. i just wouldn't know what i would do if i were in their situation, considering my special daughter and my old mother. and i don't know how to swim! i don't know what i would do...

my aunt asked for help because flood reached inside their house. they said that it would take 2 months before the flood would completely subside- not just in their area but to those who are greatly affected by the flood as well. so my cousin and her 4 month old baby girl would be here with us until everything is ok.

i've seen people showing their concern for our situation that they are offering monetary support. we're not really asking that from them but if their hearts tell them to help us then it would be greatly appreciated. actually, the mere act of concern is enough to touch my heart to let me know that i am not alone.

i know this is just but one part of life one has to go through. and when one has overcame the trials he will be so much blessed. as long as you pray and believe that you already have what you've prayed for then consider it done. in this kind of situation it only takes faith and prayer, and a hopeful heart.

thank You God for Your grace. thank You for Your love that endures forever. thank You God, thank You Jesus for everything. I love You, Lord. thank You so much.

89 days before Christmas!

this morning, i was so thankful that God healed me. i praised and thanked Him in my prayer. i seek for Him during my morning quiet time. and i found the promises from God's word which i can trust. i wanted my life to live for God's glory and the Spirit revealed to me through God's word how i could live a life glorifying to God. if i want to know the perfect will of God for my life, i should be transformed and renewed. i shouldn't conform my self any longer to the patterns of this world. According to

Romans 12:2

           Do not conform yourself any longer to the pattern of this world , but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.

that ain't easy to do. but by the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit, i know that i can do it. if i have to renew my mind then i have to censor my thoughts. any thought that is not aligned with God's words should be pulled down, and thrown away. that is actually one of the keys to a victorious Christian life- to have our minds renewed and transformed by Jesus then everything we do is in obedience to God. when you become obedient to God, definitely the blessings will follow. i quoted and memorized this verse so that i could have a weapon.

2 Corinthians 10:5

            We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we make captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

our minds is the battlefield. everytime we think of something, especially if it is not good, then we're already engaging in a battle. we shouldn't dwell on that thought for too long, or else we will be imagining things within what we thought. when we start imagining we think of the steps that we're going to take just to do what we thought of. and when we let our thought and imagination linger on our minds, we take action. why? because that imagination became a stronghold and starts controlling our life. that is conforming to the world. we have to censor our thoughts. throw down negative thoughts and rebuke it in the name of Jesus. replace it with God's words that has power. we should be controlled by God, and not by our thoughts. our thoughts should always be according to God's word and the perfect will of God. that should be our stronghold- God's words. when we have fully relied on God's word, we will truly be victorious in every aspect of life. trials may come but that wouldn't tear you apart and break you to pieces. because God's word and His promises are our foundation, we're sure to be blessed even in our trials and sufferings. we just have to learn to censor our thoughts and

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

God bless us all!

90 days left before Christmas! exactly 3 months before Christmas day. oooh, so exciting! :)

i started my day with a prayer then took a bath. i ate lunch and did facebook. in the afternoon, i decided to play Cabal online again. i was a little excited to play after months of hiatus. i'm not  in the mood for facebook now. i just collected my earnings and will be installing Cabal online in a while. i don't have that game in this computer so i'll have to install it. last night i watched  high school musical 1. i just love sharpay evans!!!

good thing i'm counting the days before Christmas. even though i'm not in the mood to blog, i have to. because i have to count here. i started it so i better finish it.

i don't really have much to say. i am excited to play Cabal. toodles!

92 days before Christmas!

God bless us!

i've never realized sitting all day makes you really tired- until now.

i spent my whole afternoon remodeling my farm in facebook and i am so super tired. i sat in front of the computer all afternoon, clicking mouse, moving objects here and there, buying stuffs from the store and all that. i was so serious with that that i forgot to eat. now i lost my appetite which makes me feel so lethargic.

this morning i browsed the website of toy kingdom to find educational toys for my kids. i thought it would be a perfect Christmas gift rather than gifting them with toy cars or horses. i found a kiddie educational laptop that teaches different languages- English, Spanish, French and German. it also teaches music, math and science. i have to buy one for each of them so they won't quarrel. the only problem is that it is costly! a unit costs 7500+ and for both of them, it's 15000!!! perhaps i would just buy the less expensive one and will forget my Christmas wish.

i can't take this any longer, i want and need to rest.

and oh, before i forget, i want to show you the picture of my farm town, the result of my hard work and labor.

 

as usual nothing much has happened, my days are always monotonous and customary. i'm convicted to get up and get going to exercise what i have learned and, to help my mom in the shop. my mom's not getting any younger so i have to be responsible with supervising the shop- or at least help her. i am always upstairs, handling the server and doing facebook all day. today, i got tired of playing and i shifted to writing plans and goals and wishes. thankfully though, my account is under maintenance so i haven't played too much- just collected the "earnings" from my "properties" and after that, signed out. somehow it helped my addiction to falter. now, i've got the chance to check and organize my mails. i've neglected them since i've become hooked to facebook. i check them only once a week, or when i think that my mail's been piling up. i've disregarded a lot of things since i've had my eye on fb, and realized that i should moderate my playing. i guess i'll just have to log in only if i have to collect my earnings, and play a little bit and that's it. i have even missed exercising. argh. i really have to do something about this.

i've started doing a script for my own movie or tv series but i never meant to submit it or what. it's my simple way of expressing the thoughts in my mind. my literary fantasies and stories that i wished would happen to me in reality but can't. the problem is aside from being a facebook fanatic, my mind is always in a whirlwind and can't focus on a single story. if i have a lot of hands then i might have done different stories and just compile them to make it one. it is a sign of a balanced brain- according to my results. sometimes both sides of my brain have their different opinion depending on their point of view which makes it difficult for me to decide. it's like i wanted to have both. actually, if i have to decide which i want better, and i'm having trouble making up my mind, i'd choose both. if i can't have both then i would rather have none at all. but if i really, really have to make a judgment, then i would go with what my heart tells me- or is it my mind? or perhaps what appeals to me at the moment. i really wanted to finish that script. i wanted to accomplish something worthwhile being an educated bummer :)

i'm trying out this virtual makeover studio from DailyMakeover.com to experiment with  hairstyles and makeup that suits me before applying it on myself. i feel the need for a total makeover. i wanted to see myself with a new hairstyle and with makeup on to boost my confidence and self- esteem. ever since i was a kid i've never seen myself beautiful. my mom told me that i am not pretty unlike my sister. even my relatives would say that my sister is more beautiful than i do. i grew up being a wallflower, never noticed at all. very rare are the instances that someone would say that i am beautiful. and i would definitely appreciate that compliment. growing up, i have learned to accept that fact that i am not as beautiful as other people, but still i am thankful because God gave me a complete body. since i have learned to accept that, it doesn't matter anymore if i am ignored at or people would say, she's not pretty. i don't care. i love myself, i love my God- given beauty (in my own right) though they won't appreciate it. but acceptance doesn't mean embracing mediocrity. of course not. i still try to look good by dressing up or putting makeup on. even if i don't have the personality, i know that i exude that aura of confidence and poise because i have learned to love myself. i live up to my philosophy that if i feel good, i will look good. and it definitely shows. well, not really, but somehow.

i hope that these awakening will not remain a realization. i wish that they serve as a motivation to fuel change in my actions, consummate my being, and be better for the glory of my Maker.

94 days before Christmas! it's just around the corner... can't wait!

God bless us!

i'm not in a writing hype today. why? because i'm busy remodelling my farm! not the real one, that is. my farm town farm needs a little retouch that i have to spend my time with it. by the way, about the post last night, to set the record straight i have deactivated that fb account. i don't want it anymore, like c'mon, its meaningless to hide. if i don't want to have anything to do with them then don't add them right? yup, right on.

wanna have a sneak peek of what i'm busy with now? ok. it's still a big mess though.