Enigma of the Heart

Napakalaking trahedya sa buhay ang kamatayan. Yung kahapon lang nagkita pa kayo, kanina lang magkasama pa kayo, kagabi lang magkatabi pa kayo matulog... pero sa isang iglap bigla na lang nawala.

Napaka iksi lang ng buhay. Kaya nga naimbento ang motto na "YOLO." Kasi, we only have one shot in life. Unless alam mo kung ano ka sa magiging second life mo at mababalikan mo rin yung mga dati mo nakasama, diba. Kaso hindi. Bukod sa iisa lang ang buhay, maiksi pa. Hindi mo alam kung hanggang kelan ka tatagal. Hindi mo alam baka isang araw, mawala ka na lang din bigla.

Sa pagpanaw ng kaibigan ko, dun ko narealize na dapat talaga itreasure ang buhay. And not just treasure it. Make the most out of your life and leave a lasting legacy that would remind them of you. How you made a change, an impact, an influence. Kasi hindi mo alam na baka hanggang mamaya ka na lang pala.

Naisip ko, kung may nakaaway sya, nakapag sorry kaya sya? O kung may minamahal sya, nakapag i love you kaya sya? Biglaan kasi. Biruin mo ba naman sumalpok sya sa jeep sakay ng motor nya, tumalsik sya sa gitna ng kalsada at dun dinaanan sya ng 10-wheeler truck. Pauwi lang sana sya galing sa trabaho. Tsk. Hindi mo talaga masabi ang buhay.

Iniisip ko nga, pag nawala ako, ano ang maalala ng mga tao sa akin? Sa eulogy ko, ano kaya ang sasabihin nila? May mga tao kayang manghihinayang na nawala ako; magdadalamhati sa pagkawala ko, o matutuwa kaya sila na sa wakas, wala na ako?

Kaya I always try to live a life with love and kindness. I never fail to express gratitude to my loved ones. I am not saying that I am living a perfect life for we all know that it's impossible. And this does not guarantee positive responses to my questions earlier. Pero sa mga maliliit na bagay na paggawa ng kabutihan, it's already making a positive change in someone else's life. And that's what we're called for- to bring a positive change.

Let us value the lives we're given. Alam ko hindi maiiwasan magkamali pero hanggat may buhay, laging may pagkakataon para magbago.

A man's day is numbered. May takdang bilang lang ang buhay natin. At hindi tayo pwedeng humirit ng "Take 2!" Hindi natin alam kung kelan tayo matatapos. Kaya bago pa mahuli ang lahat, gawin na natin ang tama... at ang dapat.

RIP, Josel Catamco. You will be missed.

She was bothered, anxious even. She has been worrying and couldn't sleep. The moment she closed her eyes, thoughts are screaming so loudly that she couldn't dare sleep. "What if this happened?... What if that ensued?..." She didn't entertain the thought the crossed her mind. All she did was trust in God. She prayed and let God took over. And as soon as she had surrendered, peace enveloped her entire self. Her anger dissolved, her pain washed away. But the devil didn't stop attacking her vulnerable mind with negative thoughts. The past have constantly attempted to penetrate her mind. But her God is much too strong for this- His peace acted like a force field which created a barrier over her head. She was able to sleep, knowing that her God is with her. She was comforted from the anxieties and worries of the world. She slumbered with peace in her heart and serenity in her mind. She realized that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. In the morning is a new day, a fresh start and a new beginning.

I know I told myself to pursue writing but here it goes again. Truth is I am not allowed to chronicle my daily experiences as he perceives them all but emotional. This is my only outlet, my release, and the only way I am able to speak my feelings. I can't tell anyone what I really feel, not even him. Of course I can't speak to my mom about this as she will bear more grudge and hate for him.

We're happy, yes we are. He has changed, but still a work in progress. I don't know if it's just me who is setting a standard of a relationship that I wanted, and for him it's like I'm putting him on a leash. I do not want to restrain him from being with his friends but it seems like every time he's going out, he never learned. I have been angry about this and we've talked about this for several weeks already and it's been occurring WEEKLY and yet he never learned. I am running out of patience. I am trying to be understanding but it's him who does not even attempt to comprehend my feelings.

Perhaps or maybe certainly, he does not value me at all. For if he does, he will not even think of doing something that might hurt my feelings. I am contemplating whether this is already a major issue that involves a rather drastic approach, or something that I can still deal with and let go. I told him one time that if this happens again, I will leave. I am just not sure if I'm talking to a sober man, though, or perhaps not.

The reason why I am hurting is because I really want to spend time with him but cannot, because he's not here. He's out with his friends rather than spending time with me. As I have mentioned to him several times already, I will allow him to go out and be with his friends as long as he comes home at least every 2 hours just to check on me; that he would send me a message; and he comes home sober. He left at 3, came home at 6 or 7 to check on me and left again. It's almost 11 pm as of writing and he still hasn't come home. I would like to ask him to come home but how can I do that when he has not brought his phone with him? I haven't had dinner yet, and he hasn't come to eat or at least ask me if I have eaten.

He didn't have much sleep from yesterday because he was out drinking with his friends. After which he had to find things that he's required to bring for his new work. I got angry last night.. but I think he does not even remember it anymore.

He has installed a CCTV camera which has a view of the street outside. He even told me to look at the monitor and see that he's just there, sitting where the camera hits the view. But I haven't seen him there. I really don't want to think he's doing something but he could not blame me if I would get suspicious of him. He has not been acting the way he used to be. I do not want to be unfair. But is he being fair to me? I am so hurt, I do not know what to do.