Enigma of the Heart

heavy rains struck the metro and its neighboring towns, 26th of September 2009, Saturday. our electricity was cut-off around 3:25 in the afternoon, and was brought back after 3 days. for 3 days we were clueless of the disaster that Typhoon Ondoy generated. we only heard rumors of the flood that reached 5-6 feet deep, and stranded people in the streets and inside their homes or on the roofs of their houses waiting to be rescued. it was tragic, and it was the first time i have ever experienced that kind of calamity.

we were still fortunate though, that we live on a higher area of Cainta, where we rarely experience flooding. but for those living in the low lands, they have been greatly affected by the floods. 27 September at 4:00 am, the electricity in a village behind our house was restored. of course we envy them every time we look out of our window and see our neighbor have electricity.

inspite of that we're still very thankful to God that somehow we still have money to buy food. and that time i was expecting remittance from my husband in Dubai. we went out, 4:30 in the afternoon and saw muddy roads and bushes that fell from trees. just then have i realized the aftermath of the calamity. we went to a market 3 blocks away from the village, and saw that a fast food is closed. i brought along our drained cellphones to be charged in a convenience store in that area and saw that it was broken. there was a shortage of candles. there were limited crops in the market and so i realized how terrible the situation was.

28th of September we went out to withdraw money from a mall. hordes of people were shopping that time and bought a lot of supplies that stocks ran out. candles, canned goods, bread even poultry and meat products. people were panic buying for the fear of running out basic supplies. but if there is no electricity, where in the world are you going to keep fresh produce so it won't spoil? good news is that the floods subsided, and the roads passable even by small vehicles.

only today, 29 September, at 11:30 am was the electricity restored in the village and everything went back to normal. i browsed the internet to see news of the typhoon and was grief-stricken to what my fellowmen suffered. what they have gone through was worse than ours. their appliances, electronic gadgets were broken; their clothes dirty; their houses muddy inside out. at least we were just cut off-of electricity and internet and telephone. i thank God for protecting us and for sparing us from the calamity. i just wouldn't know what i would do if i were in their situation, considering my special daughter and my old mother. and i don't know how to swim! i don't know what i would do...

my aunt asked for help because flood reached inside their house. they said that it would take 2 months before the flood would completely subside- not just in their area but to those who are greatly affected by the flood as well. so my cousin and her 4 month old baby girl would be here with us until everything is ok.

i've seen people showing their concern for our situation that they are offering monetary support. we're not really asking that from them but if their hearts tell them to help us then it would be greatly appreciated. actually, the mere act of concern is enough to touch my heart to let me know that i am not alone.

i know this is just but one part of life one has to go through. and when one has overcame the trials he will be so much blessed. as long as you pray and believe that you already have what you've prayed for then consider it done. in this kind of situation it only takes faith and prayer, and a hopeful heart.

thank You God for Your grace. thank You for Your love that endures forever. thank You God, thank You Jesus for everything. I love You, Lord. thank You so much.

89 days before Christmas!

this morning, i was so thankful that God healed me. i praised and thanked Him in my prayer. i seek for Him during my morning quiet time. and i found the promises from God's word which i can trust. i wanted my life to live for God's glory and the Spirit revealed to me through God's word how i could live a life glorifying to God. if i want to know the perfect will of God for my life, i should be transformed and renewed. i shouldn't conform my self any longer to the patterns of this world. According to

Romans 12:2

           Do not conform yourself any longer to the pattern of this world , but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.

that ain't easy to do. but by the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit, i know that i can do it. if i have to renew my mind then i have to censor my thoughts. any thought that is not aligned with God's words should be pulled down, and thrown away. that is actually one of the keys to a victorious Christian life- to have our minds renewed and transformed by Jesus then everything we do is in obedience to God. when you become obedient to God, definitely the blessings will follow. i quoted and memorized this verse so that i could have a weapon.

2 Corinthians 10:5

            We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we make captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

our minds is the battlefield. everytime we think of something, especially if it is not good, then we're already engaging in a battle. we shouldn't dwell on that thought for too long, or else we will be imagining things within what we thought. when we start imagining we think of the steps that we're going to take just to do what we thought of. and when we let our thought and imagination linger on our minds, we take action. why? because that imagination became a stronghold and starts controlling our life. that is conforming to the world. we have to censor our thoughts. throw down negative thoughts and rebuke it in the name of Jesus. replace it with God's words that has power. we should be controlled by God, and not by our thoughts. our thoughts should always be according to God's word and the perfect will of God. that should be our stronghold- God's words. when we have fully relied on God's word, we will truly be victorious in every aspect of life. trials may come but that wouldn't tear you apart and break you to pieces. because God's word and His promises are our foundation, we're sure to be blessed even in our trials and sufferings. we just have to learn to censor our thoughts and

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

God bless us all!

90 days left before Christmas! exactly 3 months before Christmas day. oooh, so exciting! :)

i guess i wanted something new in my life- or at least try out something new. i wanted to try belly dancing. this morning i am perked up to try out the dance exercise but everyone at home woke up early as i did. ashamed of being seen dancing, i postponed my dance exercise till tomorrow.

this morning i have felt something in my chest. a piercing sensation but it suddenly goes away. then comes back, then goes away. it kinda bothered me, so i prayed for it. actually, i felt it since last night. so since last night i started praying for it. and every time i feel it, i pray. i claimed in Jesus Name that i am healed, by His stripes i am definitely healed. even if it continues to bother me, i know i am healed. i have entrusted to God my whole health, and even the health of my family. if He has healed sick people long before i was born, i know that He will do the same with me.

i have this book entitled Hung by the Tongue by Francis Martin, and it is filled with God's promises we can rely on to our daily lives. Pastor Martin shared in his book that success is ours if we speak it. we can claim God's promises if we believe by faith. fear will prevent us from speaking victory. it will deter our faith. if we believe in our hearts that Jesus healed us, then we speak it by faith, God will surely heal us. it is very timely that i received his message, for i am experiencing a physical malady. like the personal experience of Pastor Martin, i too have entrusted to God my health. i told God that i believe in Him that He alone can heal me, even if i don't go to the doctor. He is our Great Physician and by Jesus stripes we were healed. fear has seeped in my heart too. but i rebuked it and claimed God's healing. i know i am healed. i praise and thank Jesus for healing me. now i have my own testimony to share- of how God's power healed me.

truth is i'm still experiencing that as of this writing. but i exercise my faith, i believe in God. and when He said that i am healed, i know i am healed.

Mark 11:24
      Whatsoever things you desire, when you pray, believe that ye receive them and ye shall have them.

91 days before Christmas!

*thank You Jesus for healing me.

i started my day with a prayer then took a bath. i ate lunch and did facebook. in the afternoon, i decided to play Cabal online again. i was a little excited to play after months of hiatus. i'm not  in the mood for facebook now. i just collected my earnings and will be installing Cabal online in a while. i don't have that game in this computer so i'll have to install it. last night i watched  high school musical 1. i just love sharpay evans!!!

good thing i'm counting the days before Christmas. even though i'm not in the mood to blog, i have to. because i have to count here. i started it so i better finish it.

i don't really have much to say. i am excited to play Cabal. toodles!

92 days before Christmas!

God bless us!

i've never realized sitting all day makes you really tired- until now.

i spent my whole afternoon remodeling my farm in facebook and i am so super tired. i sat in front of the computer all afternoon, clicking mouse, moving objects here and there, buying stuffs from the store and all that. i was so serious with that that i forgot to eat. now i lost my appetite which makes me feel so lethargic.

this morning i browsed the website of toy kingdom to find educational toys for my kids. i thought it would be a perfect Christmas gift rather than gifting them with toy cars or horses. i found a kiddie educational laptop that teaches different languages- English, Spanish, French and German. it also teaches music, math and science. i have to buy one for each of them so they won't quarrel. the only problem is that it is costly! a unit costs 7500+ and for both of them, it's 15000!!! perhaps i would just buy the less expensive one and will forget my Christmas wish.

i can't take this any longer, i want and need to rest.

and oh, before i forget, i want to show you the picture of my farm town, the result of my hard work and labor.

93 days before Christmas!

God bless us all! :)

as usual nothing much has happened, my days are always monotonous and customary. i'm convicted to get up and get going to exercise what i have learned and, to help my mom in the shop. my mom's not getting any younger so i have to be responsible with supervising the shop- or at least help her. i am always upstairs, handling the server and doing facebook all day. today, i got tired of playing and i shifted to writing plans and goals and wishes. thankfully though, my account is under maintenance so i haven't played too much- just collected the "earnings" from my "properties" and after that, signed out. somehow it helped my addiction to falter. now, i've got the chance to check and organize my mails. i've neglected them since i've become hooked to facebook. i check them only once a week, or when i think that my mail's been piling up. i've disregarded a lot of things since i've had my eye on fb, and realized that i should moderate my playing. i guess i'll just have to log in only if i have to collect my earnings, and play a little bit and that's it. i have even missed exercising. argh. i really have to do something about this.

i've started doing a script for my own movie or tv series but i never meant to submit it or what. it's my simple way of expressing the thoughts in my mind. my literary fantasies and stories that i wished would happen to me in reality but can't. the problem is aside from being a facebook fanatic, my mind is always in a whirlwind and can't focus on a single story. if i have a lot of hands then i might have done different stories and just compile them to make it one. it is a sign of a balanced brain- according to my results. sometimes both sides of my brain have their different opinion depending on their point of view which makes it difficult for me to decide. it's like i wanted to have both. actually, if i have to decide which i want better, and i'm having trouble making up my mind, i'd choose both. if i can't have both then i would rather have none at all. but if i really, really have to make a judgment, then i would go with what my heart tells me- or is it my mind? or perhaps what appeals to me at the moment. i really wanted to finish that script. i wanted to accomplish something worthwhile being an educated bummer :)

i'm trying out this virtual makeover studio from DailyMakeover.com to experiment with  hairstyles and makeup that suits me before applying it on myself. i feel the need for a total makeover. i wanted to see myself with a new hairstyle and with makeup on to boost my confidence and self- esteem. ever since i was a kid i've never seen myself beautiful. my mom told me that i am not pretty unlike my sister. even my relatives would say that my sister is more beautiful than i do. i grew up being a wallflower, never noticed at all. very rare are the instances that someone would say that i am beautiful. and i would definitely appreciate that compliment. growing up, i have learned to accept that fact that i am not as beautiful as other people, but still i am thankful because God gave me a complete body. since i have learned to accept that, it doesn't matter anymore if i am ignored at or people would say, she's not pretty. i don't care. i love myself, i love my God- given beauty (in my own right) though they won't appreciate it. but acceptance doesn't mean embracing mediocrity. of course not. i still try to look good by dressing up or putting makeup on. even if i don't have the personality, i know that i exude that aura of confidence and poise because i have learned to love myself. i live up to my philosophy that if i feel good, i will look good. and it definitely shows. well, not really, but somehow.

i hope that these awakening will not remain a realization. i wish that they serve as a motivation to fuel change in my actions, consummate my being, and be better for the glory of my Maker.

94 days before Christmas! it's just around the corner... can't wait!

God bless us!

i'm not in a writing hype today. why? because i'm busy remodelling my farm! not the real one, that is. my farm town farm needs a little retouch that i have to spend my time with it. by the way, about the post last night, to set the record straight i have deactivated that fb account. i don't want it anymore, like c'mon, its meaningless to hide. if i don't want to have anything to do with them then don't add them right? yup, right on.

wanna have a sneak peek of what i'm busy with now? ok. it's still a big mess though.

last night i was making a 2nd facebook account and decided to change my name, status and all. i'm out looking for my high school school mates and my high school crushes too. luckily, i found my high school crush- JC. i won't be mentioning his real name, he might have an idea of who i am. or not really. but he's still as handsome as before- grabe nakakakilig pa rin. his looks just matured and i found out that he's got a baby... but i guess the girl left him or he left the girl... i don't know. i didn't feel like, oh good, because first and foremost i am happily married and lastly, he never had any feelings for me. he didn't even know my name, or he hardly ever knew me at all. i don't care about him really, it's just that seeing him makes me relive my high school memories. i sure wish he would feel the same though. joke.
there's this one guy who has been my crush since he started attending in our church. his initials PYS. tall and cute, a foreigner but speaks tagalog well. their family has lived here for 15 years i think and since then he considers himself a filipino- though he's not from here. he's got a pretty girlfriend who is simply irreplaceable. during the times he's here we became very close, and we became very good friends. i never assumed that he liked me whenever he treated me nicely or whenever he sits beside me and talk. though he never did that to anyone but me. i never gave meaning to his glances and smiles though there is something in me that makes me want to like him. both of us are aware that we have current relationships and we're both Christians. that deterred my feelings for him. i love my husband so much. i stopped texting him since he left the church, for there is no reason for me why i have to text. i don't want him to think that i must have feelings for him or something. the last time we saw each other was when he visited me last year. and i saw his account on fb. my 2nd account didn't request connection with him. i don't want him to realize that i was like looking for him. i sound so defensive, right? i guess this is my way of fighting the feeling i had for him. it isn't completely gone but i am trying to avoid anything that would revive that something. past is past. i was never meant for him in the first place. and him for me.
i will treasure all these and these will remain a mystery forever. i just hope they will never read this and realize who i am. and most of all, i hope that no one- not even my friends or relatives and most especially my husband- would ever read this post. haha. why do i have to write it if i don't want to share this? weird.

96 days left till Christmas!

i can't really hide my excitement knowing that it's 97 days left till Christmas! even this early i am planning for things to do, and where to go and what gifts to buy. when the thought of Christmas hits me, my smile is all the way up to my ears. hahaha.
i heard a Christmas tune on TV and got all the more excited. i am planning for us to go Star City, but not on the holidays- probably earlier- to avoid crowd frenzy. i am praying for a PS3- with a dance dance revolution with it, and a Magic Sing. and hopefully, a new cellphone too! i am not expecting to have these, but in my heart, well, i am hopeful :)
i got pissed off while doing facebook this afternoon. i can't get to play my new games! grrr... i guess there are still some kinks that fb is still trying to  fix. oh well.
praise God i was successful with fixing the computer! at least i won't have to buy a new computer. at least not now.
my mom has been addicted to youtube. she's been tuning in to it all night. :)
i don't know what else to share...
just a...
MERRY CHRISTMAS! yehey pasko na!!!! woohooo!!!!

97 days before Christmas!!!

grabe, nadagdagan pa yung mga games ko sa facebook. lalo tuloy akong na- addict. i'm actually looking for friends who would join me play! astig talaga ng facebook. hindi lang sya social networking na mahahanap mo yung mga long lost friends and classmates mo. interactive sya eh. you can write sa wall ng mga friends mo, they can write on your wall, meron pang chat. tapos di pa sya nakakainip kasi pwede kang maglaro. o di ba, parang all-in-one, package deal! hahaha. yun lang, hooked na ako. actually di pa masyado. meron iba dun, sa ibang games. level 600-700+ na sila. grabe, level ba yun? ewan ko kung mararating ko yun. pero alam ko one day, i'll get bored with it.

may nag tsismis sa 'min kanina (yung helper namin yun) na til October na lang yung Rosalinda. sabi raw, dahil mababa ang ratings. hindi na lang daw nila ie-extend. dapat daw til January pa yun eh. ganun? hindi  pala sila bumenta. ewan kung maling move ba yun ng network. actually marami nang ginawa ang network na hindi nagustuhan ng mga viewers, which showed a decline in ratings. dati pumapalo sa 35-40 ang ratings ng telebabad. ngayon 33 pababa na lang. pinakamataas lang yung Darna saka 24 Oras. sabi ko nga, alangan namang si Mel Tiangco saka si Mike Enriquez ang gumanap sa Rosalinda??? hehe.
pati nga yung Stairway to Heaven, di rin maganda ang ratings. ewan lang kung tumagal. basta excited na ako sa remake ng Full House. grabe, kamukha ni Heart si Song Hye Kyo! sana lang mabigyan nila ng justice yung roles. it's a make-or-break role. pag di maganda ang pinakita nila baka kumonti ang supporters nila! pero kung ako papapiliin, mas gusto ko si marian saka si richard!!!! well, tignan natin...

napansin ko parang ang tagal na maubos ng regular load. dati 1 day lang wala na yung 30 pesos. pero ang pinakamatagal ko sa regular load sa Smart, 4 days! wow.

walang pasok ng 4 days sila Switi. kasi ano na yun eh, yung pagtatapos ng Ramadan. sa Monday nga wala ring pasok eh. hehe. tapos next month naman birthday na ni Rizia. bibigyan namin sya ng maliit na bonggang party. pero maliit sya. pero bongga. hehe. parang celebration na rin nila yun dahil mataas ang grades nila.

ayun.ganun lang.

Christmas count: 98 days till Christmas! yes, yes, yes!

God bless us!

i realized that a person should really contemplate before making a decision. coz in the end, you will be responsible for it. or worse, you might end up regretting you ever made that decision.

there are things in life we cannot turn back. opportunities, time, and decisions. when you didn't grab the opportunity, or because of work you weren't able to attend your daughter's graduation, or when you made that decision of being with someone- giving your all to him and you wake up one morning realizing you're pregnant- and you're not ready.

i've  made a lot of wrong decisions in my life and honestly, i regretted all of them. and there were moments i wished i shouldn't have done them. i suffered the consequences from those decisions and they weren't easy. some consequences left me humiliated, and it was because of poor decisions. but i admit, my experiences have taught me a lot of lessons in life, love and relationships. i'm still learning though, but at least some sufferings have built my character. just like what is said in Romans 5:3-4 NIV Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

During those times i really felt alone. i felt like God punished me because of my wrong decisions. i felt God doesn't love me anymore. i cried a lot and was drowned by my tears everynight. especially when i can't bear the humiliation and what other people might be saying about me. there were times when i felt guilty of my sins and was ashamed to come before God. i remembered a verse from the Bible (and i know during my time of brokenness and desperation, the Holy Spirit is speaking to me)
Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
i asked for God's forgiveness and confessed my sins to Him,and just then, i was immersed in God's love and mercy. He removed my guilt and sin. He reminded me of His promises.

Hebrews 12:6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. that's when i realized His great love for me. He wanted me to learn a lesson from the wrong decision i made. if He doesn't love me then He would have let me continue sinning, and die and be in hell. but because of His love he had to punish me. and i learned my lesson.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
this verse strengthened me and made me realize that God has a plan for me. though this happened to me, His plan is to prosper me. His plan is to give me hope and a future. though i'm battling with the consequences of my sin, this became my "energy drink". that's why i'm still here- alive and standing.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
God has called me. and there is a purpose why He let these things happen to me. from then on i realized that He is going to use me and my experiences so that others will learn from me. and that God will be glorified in my life and through my life.

looking back, i still wished i didn't make those decisions though it has taught me a very important lesson in life. things might be different if i just made good decisions. i don't know if i would be better or what. i still regret them everytime i remember them but i have given it all to God- i've surrendered everything to Him. my shattered dreams, my broken hearts, unfulfilled wishes.... everything. and as i mature in life, i realized that God gave me the best. although this was the consequence of a wrong decision, He turned this into a blessing. at the end of the day, after all what happened, the credit goes to the One and Only- Lover of My Soul, my Savior, my Bestest friend, my Counselor, my King, my First Love, the Creator of the Universe- my God.

i love You God. thank You for giving Your Son Jesus so that I may live. thank You Jesus, because You gave me Your Spirit, to guide me and teach me. all glory and power, praises and thanksgiving be Yours, forever and ever!

Christmas count: 99 days left till Christmas.

God bless us all! :)

I've been complaining of my headache since yesterday. i don't know why but i think this was brought about by sudden movement. i was about to be in a deep sleep when my mom called me and i suddenly got up to respond. and since that incident I've been feeling this. this is migraine perhaps. and because of that i always wanted to be in bed and sleep. but if i sleep all the time i will headache all the more. this will come to pass, i will be ok. this is not grabe.

I've almost forgotten that i have to get Rizia's report card this morning. mama woke me up to remind me about it. and I'M VERY PROUD OF MY DAUGHTERS!

last week i attended the parents-teachers conference for Shareign. her teachers told me they were impressed of how she's doing in school. they were surprised that for an autistic she is advanced among her classmates. she has memorized the alphabets, colors, shapes and numbers. and she can speak unlike her other classmates. she got good grades from her exams! they even praised her attentiveness during class. she is the most attentive, bright and active among her classmates.

my youngest daughter wasn't able to attend 2 exam days which worried me. i know that it will greatly affect her grades. fortunately though, she was given special exams and amazingly got good grades too! there's this one exam she got perfect- surprisingly- MATH. we do not love math, we abhor math that we won't be surprised if my kids will not like it too. but praise the Lord, she got a perfect score. and from all subject, it's math! unbelievable! hahaha! her lowest grade is Filipino. she hasn't been familiar to tagalog words, since we've been talking to her in taglish. her teacher told me it's a little difficult to teach her filipino. but it's ok. in time she will learn. her teacher is all praises with her attitude in school. she's the most obedient and quiet student in the class. she told me Rizia is never a headache. :)

i thank God for giving me such bright children. they really are a gift- a blessing from heaven.

Christmas count: 100 days left till Christmas!!! :) ooh.. i'm so excited!

tada...! i'm back baby!

i've been too busy with facebook lately that i haven't got time for any other things- i eat, sleep and do facebook again. even in my dreams i'm doing facebook. that site has got a lot of apps which i got hooked on to, like farm ville, farm town, sorority life to name a few.  but believe it or not, my fondness is fading slowly... now i've got time for blogging again.

since september 1st i started playing Christmas songs on my itunes. these songs never fail to rev my adrenaline and hype me up and get me all excited as i await for my favorite season of all. need i say more? now i believe when people seem to catch a childish impression in me- i really am like a child. especially during this season. they say that Christmas is for children. then i guess it's for me too! i am also a child- at heart ♥

i can still remember what my dad said about me. he knew that i love Christmas season a lot- more than my birthday actually. he said, "March pa lang gusto na magpatugtog [ng Christmas songs]." hahaha! i admit. it's like whenever i play Christmas songs i feel the spirit of Christmas. even during summer it will feel Christmas when i start playing Christmas songs!

during this season, i love travelling. in the streets you'll be seeing sparkling lights dancing and street lights donned. buildings are dressed with Christmas lights and colorful decorations. while some people tend to avoid decorating Christmas tree, i on the other hand would really exert effort to embellish not just the Christmas tree, but the whole room or the whole house as well. as long as there's some Christmas song in the background, i won't get tired at all!

i'm most especially fond of going to the mall during this season. i'd like seeing people's happy faces while doing their shopping. i love strolling in the mall and marvel at pretty embellishments. and of course, the holiday sale! who wouldn't want a discount? i mean i would love that, whole year round *wink*

but of course, the thought of Christmas makes me emotional too. i want to celebrate the holidays with the whole family but can't. my dad passed away 5 years ago and my husband is in Dubai and won't be home this year. last year we celebrated the holidays together, with the whole family. the memories of last year is flashing through my mind that i sometimes get sad. i miss him a lot. how i wish he will be with us this Christmas. but hope shines through- hopefully next year he will be celebrating the holidays with us. yay! God willing he will come home for Christmas :)

and those people who won't have anything for Christmas. and people who are in the hospital, or in jail, or away from their loved ones this Christmas really breaks my heart. but the thought of them helps me realize and appreciate all the blessings that God has given us.

sometimes, people get too overwhelmed with decorations, songs, sale, gifts and celebration that we neglect the essence, the importance of Christmas. Christmas is not just a festivity. it's not just partying and gifts. it's about the birth of a Messiah. the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. the birth of the One who died just to save us from eternal damnation. we should also remember that God gave His Son Jesus to the earth and yet know that Jesus will die for our sake. He sacrificed His own son because of God's great love for us. that's Christmas. we shouldn't put the X in Christmas. CHRIST is the reason for CHRISTmas.

happy holidays!

Christmas count: 101 days before Christmas!

yay!!!