the dilemma

if shakespeare's got "to be or not to be", i have, "to do or not to do" or more specifically, "to work or not to work".

i've been contemplating about this issue for the longest time and i haven't resolved this. until now i'm still weighing the pros and cons of the matter but i don't think it is helping me decide. my will always win.

i know very well the benefits if i work. there are times when i feel so motivated that i feel like submitting my application the earliest possible time. but when i think of the work, the stress, my kids, leaving home and all that, it makes me feel so bad. however i feel that when i work i know that it will definitely help the family. but, i know my personality- i'm easily bored doing the same things over and over everyday. see? that's why i'm having a difficulty deciding...

when i think of the money i'll earn and what i'm gonna do with it i feel driven to work. i should be thinking about it all the time so i won't lose my enthusiasm at work. but when i get bored at work- that's the problem. i also feel like i'm not ready to work. i've been stuck at home for a year already, and i'm used to being at home. waking up late, sleeping late, playing with the kids, managing the shop... and i remember. if i work and there's a problem with one of the computers, no one's gonna fix it. guess i'll just have to stay at home...

but my husband needs help making our ends meet. especially now that the kids are going to school this year. at times like this memories flashback in my mind, reminding me of the decisions i made. i regret how i lived my life. if only i thought of the consequences i should've been... aw. i hate this part right here.

i shouldn't look to the past and just press on towards the goal. yeah. i should think better now, i should make good decisions now if i wanted my life to be better. if i don't want to make the same mistakes i did. this dilemma's so complicated.

i'll just ask God for help.