Enigma of the Heart

tada...! i'm back baby!

i've been too busy with facebook lately that i haven't got time for any other things- i eat, sleep and do facebook again. even in my dreams i'm doing facebook. that site has got a lot of apps which i got hooked on to, like farm ville, farm town, sorority life to name a few.  but believe it or not, my fondness is fading slowly... now i've got time for blogging again.

since september 1st i started playing Christmas songs on my itunes. these songs never fail to rev my adrenaline and hype me up and get me all excited as i await for my favorite season of all. need i say more? now i believe when people seem to catch a childish impression in me- i really am like a child. especially during this season. they say that Christmas is for children. then i guess it's for me too! i am also a child- at heart ♥

i can still remember what my dad said about me. he knew that i love Christmas season a lot- more than my birthday actually. he said, "March pa lang gusto na magpatugtog [ng Christmas songs]." hahaha! i admit. it's like whenever i play Christmas songs i feel the spirit of Christmas. even during summer it will feel Christmas when i start playing Christmas songs!

during this season, i love travelling. in the streets you'll be seeing sparkling lights dancing and street lights donned. buildings are dressed with Christmas lights and colorful decorations. while some people tend to avoid decorating Christmas tree, i on the other hand would really exert effort to embellish not just the Christmas tree, but the whole room or the whole house as well. as long as there's some Christmas song in the background, i won't get tired at all!

i'm most especially fond of going to the mall during this season. i'd like seeing people's happy faces while doing their shopping. i love strolling in the mall and marvel at pretty embellishments. and of course, the holiday sale! who wouldn't want a discount? i mean i would love that, whole year round *wink*

but of course, the thought of Christmas makes me emotional too. i want to celebrate the holidays with the whole family but can't. my dad passed away 5 years ago and my husband is in Dubai and won't be home this year. last year we celebrated the holidays together, with the whole family. the memories of last year is flashing through my mind that i sometimes get sad. i miss him a lot. how i wish he will be with us this Christmas. but hope shines through- hopefully next year he will be celebrating the holidays with us. yay! God willing he will come home for Christmas :)

and those people who won't have anything for Christmas. and people who are in the hospital, or in jail, or away from their loved ones this Christmas really breaks my heart. but the thought of them helps me realize and appreciate all the blessings that God has given us.

sometimes, people get too overwhelmed with decorations, songs, sale, gifts and celebration that we neglect the essence, the importance of Christmas. Christmas is not just a festivity. it's not just partying and gifts. it's about the birth of a Messiah. the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. the birth of the One who died just to save us from eternal damnation. we should also remember that God gave His Son Jesus to the earth and yet know that Jesus will die for our sake. He sacrificed His own son because of God's great love for us. that's Christmas. we shouldn't put the X in Christmas. CHRIST is the reason for CHRISTmas.

happy holidays!

Christmas count: 101 days before Christmas!

3 weeks ago, nag- bless si God sa amin financially. as in malaking pagpapala. dahil nga dun nakapag- aral ang mga bata at nakapag dagdag kami ng computer. sobrang thankful ako kay God. He is always faithful. His mercies are new every morning and His grace is enough. Sobrang wow, thank You Lord.

2 weeks ago, i was very open to the idea of putting up another business. kasi nga iniisip ko na dapat mag- invest pa ako sa isa pa. ayoko masayang yung blessing- mapupunta lang sa wala. kaya habang andyan pa, basta will ni God, go lang ng go.  ang problema, anong business?

merong nag offer sa kin ng home-based travel agency. kaso ang capital 12,000+. afford naman. kaya lang sigurado ba ko sa ROI? baka naman scam yun… hindi naman siguro pero di ba, iba pa rin yung sigurado. sabi ko nga kay bevs, iba na lang.

biglang nag flash sa utak ko yung mga plano-plano namin noon- yung online tutorial, yung manpower outsourcing, yung dress shop, school supplies at pastries. ang dami naman! kaya yun, pero pa isa-isa lang. saka kailangan ng malaking investment jan. let’s take it one step at a time. kailangan ko ng business partner- yun ang naiisip ko. kasi sabi ko kailangan na talagang ma- pursue yung business. mauubos na yung pera- dapat ma-invest na.

kahapon, nag usap si bevs at yung mga former classmates nya nung college. meron daw silang friend na nag refer sa kanila sa isang home based call center. naku, iba na naman yan. kaya mag uusap daw sila.

kanina, dumating sila sa bahay. may korean friend din sila na may plan na mag put up ng business. ang problema di naman sya makapag register as owner kasi wala pa syang 6 years dito sa Pilipinas tapos eto pa lang ang initial nyang investment. kaya nag ask sya ng tulong nung mga classmates nga ni bevs. nabanggit naman ni bevs na gusto namin mag open ng business. kaya pinag usapan na rin namin yung tungkol sa online tutorial. we’re in the process of intensive planning and research, including a feasibility study of the business. i know for a fact that it will be a very lucrative business but will take much capital and effort. ayos lang. basta ba kikita, eh. saka lahat kami, may background sa tutorial.

sabi ko nga kay edward, ang galing ni God. lahat nasa timing. it’s like everything is falling into place and all i wanted to know if this really is the will of God. i definitely think it is- i just have to take a step of faith. instead of waiting for a sign i think i just have to jump right in- and ask for His guidance and intervention. siguro nga ito talaga yung will ni God. i am actually excited and overwhelmed- as i am thinking of what will happen next. the fear is there, but i don’t want to be overcome by it. i want to see this as a challenge- to my abilities and my whole self. and i’d gladly accept the challenge.

we’re still miles away from the fulfillment of our goal. malayo pa talaga. but as we get there, i’ll start praying more. all i want is for God’s glory to shine through me- through my experiences, through my aspirations, through my successes… through me. i wanted God to see that i’ve been using everything He’s given me- enhance it, and discover other talents or skills i may have- and use them for the glory of God.

wala akong ibang masabi kundi, “God, maraming maraming maraming salamat po. You are marvelous, awesome, incredible, mighty God. I will never stop worshipping you. All glory, honor, power and praise be Yours, forever and ever. Amen”

i will detail the events that occurred to me during the day. (so as i won't miss a thing! *wink*)
this morning, my plan was to accompany rizia just around the block to wait for her school service. i told her that i wouldn't come with her to school and will just wait for her till she arrives. she told me to come with her. i explained my plan but being a kid, what she wanted was her wish to be granted. but the school service's driver went home to fetch rizia which left my little girl with no choice. she left home waving goodbye and saying, "bye mommy!" we were laughing while the driver held her hand and walked away. i felt sad for my daughter but she'll get used to it eventually. that's one Filipino trait we cannot let go- affection and so much love for our children that it seems like we don't want them to grow up, or parents want to be just beside their children all the time- we just can't let go. as much as i want them to be independent, sometimes i feel like they're just not ready yet. but i have to learn the art of letting go- i mean for the good, so that they'll learn.

as my sister and i sent shareign to her school, the weather was so intensely hot and humid. dark clouds seem to gather overhead, but the sun was still shining bright. we're bound to eastwood and travelled a series of tricycle rides. i didn't know that there's a way heading to cubao from gate 5 pasig. only today did i discover, hahaha. i accompanied bevs to her former company for clearance. we didn't stayed there long. but while we were there, the rain was so strong as if it's signal no. 2. we are still to fetch shareign from school. and while we're travelling back, we were confronted by the strong rains- which fashioned us a wet look: wet jeans, wet shoes, wet shirt, wet bags and wet hair. good thing the rain stopped as we got to shareign's school.

we headed to the mall 3 blocks from mariam. my sister and i bought flip- flops and shorts and changed our wet attire. before we went home we ate at kfc and relished pasta bowl, big bucket of fries and juicy chicken. what a sure fire to a bad weather.

what an experience. i would want to do it again- only at home. thank God we're ok :)

there are a lot of happenings this past week. first, my daughter's been schooling. as a hands-on mom i wake up in the morning to prepare their breakfast and baon, send them to school and fetch them after classes. as i've told in my previous posts, i'm getting really tired but this weekend is just a blessing. of course, no classes!

last friday my sister brought home a bad news. she was terminated from sitel because of poor performance and tardiness. my sister was saddened about the announcement. that was the first job she liked in her whole working life, and the only job she enjoyed doing. that was the only job she felt she was happy doing that she never dragged her feet going to work. too bad it wasn't meant for her. she felt she was sabotaged by indifferent superiors so she was terminated. but my sister's resilient. she bounced back after that incident. she realized that God is teaching her something and that there is certainly a purpose why God didn't want her to continue working there. the reason why, i don't know, but God will reveal it in time.

last wednesday or thursday ( i can't really remember the exact day) i received a letter from PLDT and Telus. the pldt letter is for me, about my default payment arrangement. truth is i forgot about it, and wasn't able to pay for it. so they sent me a letter. but now it's settled. :) from Telus is for my sister, stating that she has to report back for work after an AWOL (my sister always does that *wink*).  it as a month already since she AWOLled from job but it was a coincidence that they sent a letter because she was about to be terminated from work. unfortunately though, the letter was so super delayed that they have closed her profile in the company and can't go back to work- unless she re-apply. wala rin, ganun din. hehehe.

another bad news surprised us: my cousin who is pregnant and married is now abandoned by her husband leaving her for another woman. that cousin of ours is our closest cousin- she was like a sister to me. i was shocked when she sent me a message in my friendster about it. my sister called her up immediately to find out if it's true, and indeed it is. i feel so bad for her. i think men like his husband should be put to jail. at least be put to jail rather than be killed. let's just say whatever is the worse- i just won't say it.

she has to sue him for infidelity- only if she have in hand an evidence to prove it. but i think she has to pursue suing him. if i were her i'd not want to have anything to do with him and her family. i'll take responsibility of raising the child without the father. i'd rather think of him as dead or not existing at all. even if his family would ask to see our son i'd fight for my right as a mother neglected by their son who doesn't care at all. i hate guys like that.

and also last friday, my daughter wasn't able to go to school because her school service didn't fetch her up. i'd definitely tell the principal about this matter. they should know that it will be hard for my daughter to travel! the reason why we sent her there to study is because of the tuition fee! and a service from school is equivalent to money because i will be paying for it! i just want convenience for my daughter. they should've told me if they are not going to fetch her so we'll be looking for someone else! grrrr...

while i was looking for my daughters' birth certificates, i found my CAP certificate of scholarship. it was a scholarship certificate transferred to me by my husband since he's busy working. he has given me that so i can continue my studies. unfortunately it didn't push through, so the certificate was like useless over the years. now that i found it i'd like to pursue my college education again. how i wish it's God's plan.

i think i've already mentioned in my previous post that we already found a helper at home. better so that she could do the things i don't want to do- cleaning the house, washing the dishes and all the other chores. hehehe. but she's leaving for work as early as now (she just came in last week and now she's asking for a vacation). valid reason: she has to take her baby girl back to the province. the baby is hindering her from working. several times she can't finish her job on time because the baby is crying and is looking for her. there are times that she can't clean our room because she has to leave early. she even forgot to iron my daughter's uniform! grrr... very emotional week.

but above it all, i'm thankful for God's grace, we're still alive. God is so good! Thank you, Lord!

be updating again if i'm not busy. so long, maties!

everytime dumadami ang kain ko lalo na sa gabi sumasakit ang tiyan ko sa umaga. nagigising talaga ko ng maaga dahil sa sakit. pero hindi naman ako kaagad nau-uu. masakit lang talaga sya. 3 times ko palang nae-experience yun sa buong buhay ko- pangatlo kanina.

yung first time nun di ko na masyadong naalala pero isa lang ang culprit- yung katakawan ko. i confess. sadyang malapit lang talaga sa puso ko ang pagkain at mahilig talaga ako kumain. lalo na ng vegetables. sobrang mahilig ako sa vegetables. kaya lang dahil nga hindi ko macontrol yung sarili ko sa pagkain ganun tuloy nangyayari. natatawa sila sa ken... ang siba ko nga naman kasi. pero nasasaktan naman ako- sa sakit ng tiyan ko.

yung second time ganun pa rin. kaya nga sinasabi ko na hindi na talaga ko kakain ng marami. never again.

eh kagabi, ang ulam namin sinigang na hipon. tapos yung tuyo na binili namin ang sarap nya. hindi sya talaga lasang tuyo. para syang smoked kaya ginanahan talaga ko kumain. nung afternoon nag greenwich pa kami. inorder ko para sa kin lasagna. solved na sana ko dun. kaso naman yung anak ko di naubos yung pizza nya, ako pa kumain. eh di nasobrahan tuloy ako. kaninang umaga sakit talaga ng tiyan ko. ayan kasi, ang siba eh.
dahil tuloy dun di nakapasok mga anak ko sa school. hay.

ayoko na nga sabihin na hindi na talaga ko kakain ng marami, promise. hindi ko na sinabi yun kanina. ang hirap kasi tuparin. basta ita- try ko na lang yung best ko na icontrol yung kain ko. good luck na lang sa ken.

kahapon pala sa greenwich nung sine-serve na yung order naming drinks, may customer na naka sanggi dun sa waiter. natapunan tuloy mama ko ng pineapple juice. di man lang nagsorry yung customer! grabe yun. buti na lang mabait yung crew saka managers ng greenwich sta. lucia. binigyan kami ng maraming tissue at towel pang sapin sa likod ni mama. bahala na ang Diyos sa customer na yun. walang modo. at sa mga staff ng greenwich sta. lucia, maraming salamat po, mabuhay po kayo!

i anticipate a busy, tiring day tomorrow. tomorrow i will enroll my youngest daughter in school, then in the afternoon accompany my eldest daughter to her school. i've been very busy these past few days and i was a little stressed out. the things that perk me up inspite of my exhaustion are the blessings of God, when my kids smile, kiss and hug me, going to the mall and laying on the bed. but overall, i need some rest- and a good massage :)

i ran out of words to say- perhaps of fatigue. i'll just sleep and everything's ok again!

before i end up, i recall a verse from the Bible:

Isaiah 40:29-31 (New International Version)

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

i have hope in the Almighty God and tomorrow i will regain my strength, ha! :)
 
Praise to God forever and ever!

at last, after a year of bumming, my daughter is now back in school. it has been because of our financial difficulties that hindered her to continue schooling. God has given us a surprise blessing this month, and that was an answered prayer! supporting a special child is difficult- the tuition fee and the therapies are expensive. it's no problem when you're well- off. but with God all things are possible! now we were able to send her to school.

i enrolled her this afternoon at MARIAM CLAIRE INTEGRATED SCHOOL. it was really exciting for her and for me. but it was hard for shareign to be separated from me even for a while especially when she's with a stranger. the teacher told me that as soon as she gets distracted, i'll leave her inside the classroom. 2 mins later i left her inside and waited in the school lobby.

i whiled my time away by reading the Bible from my ipod and listening to my playlist. the first song it played was WITH YOU by mark willard from the movie facing the giants. as i listened to it my eyes were brimming with tears.... i was so deeply touched by the song.

Mark Willard

With You

Verse 1:

You have been so good to me
How can I find the words to thank You?
Healer of broken hearts and broken dreams
Lord, I will never cease to praise You.

Chorus:

With You, all things are possible.
Like an eagle I can soar.
With You the giants fall
They rise no more.
With You I overcome when fear and faith collide.
There’s nothing I can’t do
Anything is possible with You.

Verse 2:

I am constantly amazed
You are a God forever faithful.
As I look back on my history of grace,
how could I be anything but grateful?

Verse 3:

No mountain is too high, there’s no valley that’s too deep
You’re calling me to walk by faith so I will take a
Leap...take a
Leap

Anything, anything is possible with You
With You
It’s possible with You.

the song is true to what i experience with God. there isn't anything that's impossible with God- even my daughter's situation. i've been praying for her since i am pregnant with her and until now. and with her condition she needs more prayers than before.

after the assessment, her teacher spoke to me about shareign's condition. she told me that she did well. she behaved while in class, attentive and focused. it was a surprise to know that she behaved because i know that she tends to be easily bored with the things she do and can't keep her focus. the teacher told me that if her development progresses, she will then be transferred to regular school specifically, nursery class. it was an answered prayer! i can't keep this to myself, i wanted to share to everyone how God has been so faithful and generous and merciful to me and my family. God has granted the desires of my heart, answered my every prayer and more. indeed, God is so good!

when we talked about the school fees, i was more amazed. while we were travelling to school i prayed that her tuition fee will not be more than 6000 pesos. God has answered my prayer. her monthly tuition fee is only 3500 pesos! God is so good!

i can't stop thanking God everytime i think of his blessings in my life. as a matter of fact i try not to do bad in the sight of God because it will hinder the continuous flow of blessings in my life. i guess it's just one of the ways how God nudges me to continue my steady walk with Him, and not give in to what the world has to offer.

God is just so amazing.