Enigma of the Heart

when new year comes, it is automatic for most of us to create a list of our new year's resolutions- that after 10 days or so we eventually forget or discard. it actually takes some determination to make your resolutions work.

i am a fan of these new year's resolution that i make a list of the things i want to change for myself every year. in the long run i will fail to remember those resolutions i made and everything will be back to normal. truth is i stopped doing it- until now.

when i look back at the previous year, definitely there are some things i need to change, habits i need to break, and qualities i have to improve. the ultimate reason why i made this up is because i wanted to bring glory to God all the more- more and more. but i also wanted to do this for myself- so i won't commit the same mistakes i did last year. i want to be more matured, grown- up. i don't want to act as if i didn't learn at all, or didn't improve at all. so i had to write a list of what i want to change and what i wanted to do more this year.

1. to EXCEL in everything i will do and in every task or responsibility i am assigned to. AIM NOT MEDIOCRITY, but exceed expectations!

2. to NOT BE EASILY DISCOURAGED. to be a lot more optimistic, and TRUST GOD  more.

3. to sleep early and wake up early. or at least wake up early.

4. READ MORE and less facebook. aim at reading at least 1 book a month.

5. to LEARN NEW THINGS this year, be more productive. (keyboard/guitar, spanish/korean, photography)

6. AIM TO IMPROVE and enhance myself- my skills, talents and abilities and overall personality.

7. PRAY MORE and spend more time for devotions and quiet times.

8. maintain weight of 95 kg.

9. DON'T QUIT!

10. to be LESS ANGRY and more SELF CONTROLLED and more PATIENT.

by God's grace, I CAN DO THIS! :) aja, aja!

i am receiving 5-8 messages a day from one person, and he's sending me these quotes. i've been keeping them from my phone for a month already and decided to delete them. but before i do that, i'd like to compile it here. the reason why it stayed in my fone that long is because i felt it was worth saving. some of them are really inspiring and funny. while some maybe lame, well, they deserved to be deleted. i'll keep this post updated. these will be do for now.

farewell, 2009 and hello 2010! i will cherish the memories i had with you and i will make more memories to cherish this year!

at new year's eve i prepared for our new year's dinner and cleaned the house. i started around 10am and finished 10pm. i enjoyed all the work (as long as i'll be doing that kind of work once a year :) i'd prefer to be busy than idle. i get sleepy when i don't do anything. and man, that's most tiring- doing nothing at all.

too bad i wasn't able to take a lot of pictures of the celebration. i was busy with cooking and after that i had to calm my daughter. she cried a lot during new year, the sound of the fireworks scared her. i didn't get the chance to view aerial fireworks display for we have to sit all the time infront of the computer, watching funny videos in youtube. but that's ok. as a parent i would set aside my interests for my kids' welfare.

here are the only pictures i took during the new year's celebration. and an additional photo of the blue moon. the sky was so clear that time and the moon was vivid, i was tempted to capture a few shots of luna.

it's my complacency that led to emptiness. i've been so preoccupied with things that are not of worth, instead of diligently seeking Him. and now i wonder why these things are happening, where His presence could be, what His will is for me, and many other questions that only He could answer. I'm engaged with things that i lost sight of Him. my eyes were veiled, my senses insensitive of His calls. all too often i complain with my situation but i rarely took time to pray. while i begin to ask where is He in those difficult times, i didn't notice He was there, right beside me all the time.

nevertheless, God is compassionate, merciful and faithful. He never gets angry for long, and always forgives. He is always willing to fill our hearts with His peace, love and joy. When we ask, He will answer. God is always with us. all we have to do is to go to Him. seek Him. spend time with Him. for only then we will experience His presence. only then we will be sensitive to His voice. and when we find Him, His river will come rushing toward us and drown us... at that moment, we are filled to the brim and overflowing.

it's actually Christmas morn as of this writing, and i haven't slept yet after a day's preparation for the Christmas dinner. it was fulfilling, though, inspite of the exhaustion. cooking for my family is always like a wish fulfillment on my part. i wanted to become a chef one day (aside from the many other aspirations i have for myself that I wanted to come true) and so i practice by cooking for them, especially on special occassions. i've been doing this since i was in high school and i will continue doing this until God brings me home. :)

These past few days, before the holiday mode sets in, i've been pessimistic of what this season would bring. recently we were worrying on making ends meet, and celebrating the holiday was a bit of a burden. for several days i quarrel edward for complacency (or irresponsibility). but as the day sets in, i realize my mistakes. i err on most things and it's like blaming him for the fault i made. it was a difficult time but I thank God He has changed my view on things and everything ended well.

i went to the mall this afternoon and hordes of last minute holiday shoppers were bustling in the supermarket. it was late that i noticed a long line in the cashier station, and i managed to budget 2000 for 5 dishes. how i did that was a miracle- all i knew is that God was with me, guiding me all the way. good thing  i found a shorter line which people failed to notice and took advantage of it. i was able to be back earlier in time for the dinner preparation.

i did everything on my own- shopping and cooking. i carried 5-7 kl of items in one hand and another 3-6 kilos on another. i rested for a while and decided to cook.

we celebrated ahead of the others for 2 reasons: first is to not break my kids habit of sleeping early. second is to avoid the fireworks (disguised as the big drum parade :) ) for my eldest daughter. she's so frightened by the sound of the fireworks and she cries everytime she hears one. she's under occupational therapy to help manage her fears but she still has a lot of therapy to undergo. unfortunately we didn't avoid the inevitable. but at least we're seeing good improvements in her. she only cried a little unlike before that she is getting fever because of too much fear.  thank God for the healing.



today was a different Christmas i have experienced. it may not be as grand as last year's, but this year was the year when i have learned a lot of things in life that will be useful for the betterment of my life next year.

Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!

although Christmas season brings cool breeze, it also carries typical illnesses accompanied by the cool weather. my children and I were not spared of those illnesses. and they were sick when we attended their Christmas party. it was Rizia who was lethargic when we attended their party. as for Shareign, she was still active and alert though showing signs of sickness. it was still a great party!

yesterday while i was buying medicine for my sister, i saw pastor Kim, and told me that i will be translating his preaching in Filipino. i agreed.

this morning at church, ate Glo, pastor, James and i went to Antipolo for their Sunday service. i missed the outreach, i missed the people and they missed me too. most of all, i missed interpreting. i even had the chance to sing again. Lord, thank You for the opportunity.

i know that i will feel OP (as in out-of-place) because "new" members of the youth are in the mother church, and their leader was there too. i tried so much so as to fit in, and showed them that even if i'm "new" in the church, i'm comfortable with everyone. i am not trying to regain my rightful place in the church, but i want to be a helping hand to further the kingdom of God through the church. i will help in any way i can- exerting effort, giving my time, skills and abilities for the glory of God. i am deeply burdened of the realities in the church, that i know i can do something to help.

HERE I AM LORD, SEND ME.