Hard to Forget

June 21, 2012

HARD TO FORGET

I’ve never missed you the way I miss you now. The feeling crushes my heart and sends tears to my eyes. I ignored your pictures and yet I am tempted to peek at your account. I feel so sad, and I really long for you.

I love you still, and until now I am fighting for you, for us. I’m just not sure if this love is still worth fighting for. Until now I’m struggling to forget you. There was a time when I have given all my hopes up... then you made your presence felt. You sent an empty message, I knew it was you, and I know you just didn’t know what to say. I know that you still love me, and that you miss me. I am just clueless why you failed to communicate with me. Perhaps all my assumptions were wrong.

They don’t know what I’m going through. Behind this smile and laughter lies sadness and longing. I know one day I’ll get over you. I believe one day my heart won’t miss you anymore.

If you could just prove your love for me, I would hold on.  It was all in vain. As I looked back on all the things you said, I don’t know if those were true. Now you left me broken and waiting, I am not sure whether our love was real or you just wanted me for the moment.

Truth is I’m still clinging to that hope in me. I wanted to exhaust that flame so I could forget you however that hope is kindling that flame. That hope is keeping it alive. And that hope is making it more difficult to let you go.

I don’t want to be bitter; I don’t want to be angry. But I guess the only way to completely set you free is to hate you- which I just can’t do, for I have no reason to do so.

I am looking for reasons to help myself forget you. I’ve kept everything you have given me. I’ve deactivated our account. I don’t visit your Facebook account anymore. Yet that made me miss you more instead of dismissing you from my mind.

Please come back soon if you’re planning to come back, otherwise hold yourself.  But better do it soon, before I get tired of waiting for you. I just hope waiting for you will become tiresome for me. I’ve been waiting for myself to grow tired but it never happens. It only falters and then grows fonder.

Why is it so difficult to forget you? I am actually trying to convince myself that I don’t love you anymore, and that I love him now. But every time I do so seems like I’m only fooling myself all the more. I really can’t fool myself, can I? My eyes and my heart definitely speak the truth.

But I have to forget you. I need to forget you and move on. I won’t pick up my pieces anymore. I’ll just leave it there and walk away. I don’t want to look back on us and our memories. I’ll pretend nothing happened and carry on.

I thought of a reason to convince myself to forget you:

Is he thinking about you now?

Does he love you still?

Is he missing you and all the things you had?

Is he struggling like you do?

Is he still fighting for you?

Are you still important to him?

I am not sure whether the answers are all YES which simply means I have to keep my pride.  I don’t want to dwell my thoughts and my feelings for him if he’s not thinking about me, if he doesn’t love me, if he doesn’t miss me and all the things we had, if he’s not struggling like I do, if he’s not fighting for me and if I do not matter to him anymore. Why would I waste my efforts for him, when he doesn’t make me feel important at all?

I NEED TO GET MY DIGNITY BACK UP AND THE PRIDE I HAVE.

I hope this would be the last time I will be writing about him and my feelings for him. I hope that as I end this note and as I shut the program, I will also be shutting the door behind me, that I would close the chapter of us and move on to the next... and that I would be able to completely forget him.

History repeats itself, and I know that our history will keep on repeating. He will look for me again, find me again, apologize for what he’s done and make up for his mistakes. I am just not so sure if I will accept him. Leaving me for the second time hurts more than the first. I don’t know if I will ever believe him. All I know is that he loves me, so much and that he cannot live without me. He can but he isn’t complete without me- the very reason why he had to find me. And I know that I love him so much that I would still accept him after making me wait.

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t want to wait, and I don’t want to waste.

I didn’t know that after contemplating, things are getting more difficult.