Enigma of the Heart

Siguro masasabi kong mas okay na ako ngayon kesa nung mga nakaraan. Naalala ko dati, talagang nahihirapan akong mag move on. Yung maalala ko lang sya, talagang umiiyak ako. Para kasing dinudurog yung puso ko e. Pero ngayon, hindi na masyadong masakit yung mga memories kapag naalala ko. Pero hindi ko sila inaalala- dahil nga pinipilit ko silang kalimutan. May mga pagkakataon na naalala ko rin sya, bigla na lang ako kakabahan na hindi ko maintindihan. Ewan ko kung bakit, kung anong ibig sabihin nun. Sana dumating yung time na mawala na rin yung ganung feeling. Nakakaasar kasi, hindi mo alam kung may ibig sabihin ba yun. Kung may ibig sabihin man, kung maganda ba yun o hindi.

Siguro nga naghihilom na unti unti yung mga sugat ko. Ang bilis lang kasi ng process ko, parang 3-4 days lang. Isang linggo na yata ngayon, at I can say that I am much better. Ang galing ni God mag heal sobra. Yung "antibiotic" Nya, very effective. Kasi ilang araw lang umepekto kagad. Ngayon nga eh, parang kala mo  hindi ako nanggaling sa isang heartbreak. Hahaha!

Yun lang, ang dami na bago. Pero yung mga bago na yun, gagamitin ko na lang din in moving forward. Sasabihin ko sana na babaguhin ko na yung mga plans ko- pero parang di ko alam kung bakit biglang nagbago pa rin isip ko. Parang gusto ko pa rin syang ituloy nevertheless. I know I should have discarded those plans since the break up, but I can't understand why it had to cling to me. Kasi yung mga plans na yun were MY plans as well. Kung baga, we had one heart when we came up with those plans. But since he's not around anymore, I will be doing it not for us, but for myself only. In a way, those will still be fulfilled- with him as an exception.

This is just the start of my goal in becoming better. Eventually, when he comes back, I will become very, very, very much better. He would regret what he did, he would wish to reconcile, and would WANT me to be back to him. He will definitely come back, he will do everything just to win me back again. I know, and I believe.

Yes I'm getting better. Sorry for still being bitter. Would take long before I learn to forgive. But at least, I'm getting better.

I can still remember 2 days ago, when I've been crying so hard. I had no appetite, and all I wanted to do is to sleep- sleep away all the hurt and pain. They didn't know I was going through rough times. But now, I can say that I have overcome, and I am all better.

I still cry, and I am bitter, honestly. I force myself to forget every single thing, every detail of what we had. Slowly, I am starting to forget what we once had. The hardest part for me to do is forgiving. Unless he asks for it, I believe I will never, ever forgive him. (God help me)

Before, the mere thought of him crushes my heart. But it doesn't have the same effect as it is now. Perhaps I have already moved on. But I still couldn't listen to love songs. :)

I couldn't understand why despite the pain I'm going through, there left in my heart an inextinguishable faith and hope. It has been there since day 1, and I cannot comprehend why it hasn't been choked even though I've been broken. That must be love, isn't it? But I don't want to talk about it. Next topic please. :D

My status on Facebook was: Glad to be able to do the things I haven't been doing in a long time. It's good to be back. Indeed. After he's gone, I can catch up on movies I failed to watch and books I have neglected to read and I'm learning guitar again. One more good about it is that I've got a lot more time for sleeping too. I remember this love song, "Bluer than Blue". It's not that I'm sad that he left, I actually look on the positive side of him leaving. Having to do the things I wanted to do without asking for his consent and not having to report my whereabouts and whatnot.

I haven't fully recovered yet, but I'm getting there. Soon, everything will be back to normal, back to where I was before he came. Back to the life where I have no memory of him like he doesn't exist at all. I'll just have to pretend that we never reconciled, we never talked and nothing has happened.

This is funny. I'm bitter, but better. Hahaha! :)

10/18/2012

I hate what I'm feeling now. I've already gotten over him then, and now that it has happened again, the feeling comes back. The places we've been to crushes my heart to pieces. In a mirage I see us on his bike. I remember me traversing Ortigas Ave on route to his place. The images haunt me even if I shut my eyes. His post keeps ringing in my ears, constantly causing heartache. I don't know why my heart still beats for him, why my heart still cares and that I still believe he's coming back. I know... I know. Someday soon he will realize what he's lost and what I'm worth. For now, i will just have to accept the sad fact that he and I are over.

I am beginning to hate him and this is better so I could easily forget. However, my heart still loves him that I wanted to give him another chance. But no, I wanted to keep my pride and dignity up. I wanted to forget him now. As in NOW.

I took the very first step out of the mud I was wallowing in. I've been there for so long, I enjoyed it and the environment became quite comfortable. I didn't want to leave the place, it had been my comfort zone. I was aware that I'm unkempt and I was happy to be that way; even if other people stare, I don't give a damn.

Time came that I got sick of being dirty, I got disgusted of where I was. But leaving my comfort zone would be dreadful. How could I leave, when I've been used to being filthy? How could I move out, when I've found my peace and happiness there?

However, I know I shouldn't be there.

As soon as he didn't come back, I knew he left- and I was left alone enjoying the scum. That's when I realized that I shouldn't have been there. I know it's going to be difficult leaving the place where you've been comfortable with all this time- but if you have found that that place has been hurting you, making you sick and tired and making you unhappy, then you have nothing else to do but leave.

That is how I describe the relationship I once had.

But now, it's time to move on. I got out of the slime, slowly standing up and walking towards dry land. I look back, I can hear it calling- but I have already made up my mind. And as I make my way on dry ground, it actually felt good. There's no reason for me to be left behind. I continued walking past the dry ground towards the river... Now I'm torn from going back to getting myself clean. My heart wants me to go back, and wait. He might come back, and I would like to give him a second chance, or a third chance. But I wanted to restore my dignity, and my mind says I should head on out to the river and dive in.

For the first time after a year, I didn't follow my heart. Out of pride that I did this I guess. He can't see me problematic and suffering. I don't want him to see me bothered at all by his leaving. I am better. I am all good (even if I'm really dying inside).

I haven't entirely immersed myself in the water because I'm still thinking of going back. But, NO!(now you understood how hard this is for me) I can't go back, I don't want to go back. My feet were washed by the running stream, I am slowly moving on. The memories were slowly being washed away, though there were some mud stains which remained on my skin- memories that were hard to forget.

I'm getting cleaner and feeling better. Soon, I will have my whole body submerged in the water, completely washing away every pain and hurt, and getting all better. Someday soon... very, very, very soon.

I have realized earlier today (as in very early today) that some good things never last, like the one that we had. It must have been a bad decision to give him a third chance, when I knew all along the personality that he has. He is a liar, a cheater, a player, a heart breaker. He can never be trusted. He's playing with girls' hearts and when he's got what he wanted, he will just leave them wounded and broken.

I was never different. All those songs, they never meant a thing. Everything was just b*s*. I am sorry, I really am angry. I just can't believe he would do that to me. But at least I know better now and having him back would be the stupidest thing I will ever do. I won't let him back, and we're never ever, ever, ever get back together. As in, never.

He won't make me believe all those lies, he won't make me fall again for those apologies and sweet words anymore. I regret the very first day he has come back and wish that it never happened. Honestly, I wanted to  go to Dr. Mierzwiak, and undergo a procedure to remove all the memories I had with him. I want to completely delete him from my mind, my system and from my heart. I was actually asking God to extinguish that flicker of love and hope left inside my heart for him. I don't want to be hopeful about us anymore, there's nothing to be hopeful for... I'm giving up.

No one knows exactly what I'm going through right now. I can't tell anyone about this, so I'm facing it all by myself. Letting go is so difficult, but I have to do it- drastically, impulsively. I don't want to cling to anymore memories, and I don't want to give my heart a chance to think twice. He left me in midair, and never came back. I knew all along that he cheated on me, that he just played with my heart and toyed me.

I swear he's going to regret this, every single thing he did to make me fall in love with him. He will suffer miserably for the pain he's brought me. He just doesn't know what I'm going through right now. I am angry, bitter, and just doesn't wish for good luck nor happiness for him. Why would I even do that? I will be a hypocrite if I would be happy for him.

Karma will get even with you soon. Very, very soon. You will regret this.