Enigma of the Heart

Hindi lahat nabibigyan ng pangalawang pagkakataon. Hindi rin lahat kayang magbigay nito. Mahirap kasi magpatawad at lumimot. May mga taong hanggang sa dulo ng walang hanggan, dadalhin ang lahat ng sama ng loob nila at syempre, hindi nila kayang ibigay yung second chance na sinasabi kahit pa pinapakita na ng tao yung worth nya. Meron din naman kasing tao na gustong gusto mong bigyan ng second chance anytime, yun lang hindi naman pinapakitang they deserve it.

Ako yung type na mahirap magpatawad. I bear grudges kahit pa magsorry na sakin yung tao. Madali akong lumimot, totoo. Kung tutuusin mas madali yun para sakin to forgive diba. Pero pag KASALANAN ang pinag uusapan, iba na yun. Hindi kaagad mabubura sa kin yun. Kahit pa sabihin na nating "time heals all wounds", may scar pa rin sakin na magpapaalala kung bat ako nagkaron ng sugat na yun. Yung memories na tinutukoy ko yung mga ibang memories. Ganun kasi akong klase ng tao. Pero kung hindi naman grabe yung kasalanan, nakakalimutan ko rin naman. Meron lang talagang ibang sagad sa buto yung pain na mahirap talaga kalimutan- which makes it difficult to forgive as well.

Bumabalik kasi yung mga iniisip kong hindi na babalik. Pinapaniwala ako sa mga kasinungalingan nya. Ay naku, tanga lang talaga ang maniniwala. Mali raw lahat ng nakita ko. Weh? Ano ko stupid? Ide deny pa, eh huling huli mo na. Obvious na nga, nagpapalusot pa. Hindi naman ako maniniwala sa mga excuses nya noh. Siguro parang nilalambing ako or something para bumalik ako. Nag i love you sa akin kahit hindi ako nag i love you. Sa bagay, ang dali lang sabihin nyan. Yung maramdaman yan ng totoo ang mahirap. Pero sa kin kasi na hindi marunong maglaro, mahirap sabihin yan when I don't really mean it. Pag may sinabi kasi ako, whether sarcastic or not, I really mean it.

I'm unsure if I should give him a second chance- parang 90% no and 10% lang yung yes. Parang 5% lang nga siguro. Ang hirap na kasi maniwala. Ang dami ko pa kasing nakikita which proves my assumption true. Pero lagi nya nga sinasabi, wala yun. Mali ako, blah blah. Ayoko na maniwala sa kanya. Kahapon hindi na ko nag check ng account namin. Kasi sabi ko ayoko na, hindi rin naman na ko naniniwala. Sabay biglang nagtext. Gulat naman ako. Wala kasing cellphone yun, so nung nagkaron sya, tinext ako. Usap usap. Sabi ko nga, "Putek naman, kung kelan sabi kong ayoko na..." Ayoko na talaga. Parang nagbibigay pa tuloy yung fate ng chance to at least, reconsider. Tsk, tsk. Mahirap mag reconsider. Ayoko na masaktan ulit ng ganun.

But I admit, natuwa ako. Kasi naalala nya ako. And some other girls probably. Kung totoo naman kasi sya, I believe, ipuprove nya yun. At ipuprove nya rin ang worth nya na tumanggap ng pangalawang pagkakataon.

12-12-12. As much as I would like it to be memorable, it just passed by like an ordinary day. Nothing monumental or spectacular. I just took a portrait of me and posted it on my Facebook account to make the day meaningful somehow.

I received a text message from a representative of the HR of a certain company. I am supposed to be endorsed for the data entry post (which I would enjoy doing rather than taking calls) however, they ceased application. Since the data entry post is not available, he would endorse me as a, take note of this, MARKETING ASSISTANT. And I was so ecstatic. He said I may be qualified for the post. He was impressed with the scores on my exam and my communication skills that he is endorsing me for a post which is normally offered to graduates. I have been praying for a job that I would love doing, and I hope that this is it (if the post is not yet taken). Well, if it is for me then no matter what happens, no matter how long, the position will be given to me.

Ex and I are having brief constant communication. I still don't believe his explanations (or his excuses) but I guess it would be unfair not to hear his side. So he would like to talk to me personally about everything because chat won't do good anymore. The problem is I saw something which proved my assumptions true. I have been compiling screenshots of comment threads and status posts of their affair and I told him everything I saw. He's been convincing me that everything was just a setup but I have already set my mind on what I saw- and I believe in what I saw. He doesn't need to tell me more. The posts, comments and replies were good enough to validate my theories and his defense were all a bunch of lies.

A jealous woman investigates better than FBI. Perhaps he's been wondering how I do it. He should have realized by then that he shouldn't mess with me. All I believe in is that he really can't live without me. He keeps on chasing me, wanting me back. And he would try to do everything (even justify his mistake) just to have me back. He's just so arrogant, I've been showing evidences to him and he still keeps on making excuses. He's still finding a way to get out of it and not having to say sorry. For me, it's easier to say sorry and accept your fault to restore the relationship, rather than lying and "patching" the surface just to be accepted and then dropping the issue. The hurt remains and it will just explode when the deed is committed again. If you really love the person you will really humble yourself and say sorry just to accept their forgiveness. And if he's done that, I will forgive him.

I'm gradually losing hope in us. Before I used to have confidence in him that he's going to change but now, I don't know. I really wanted him to change but if he's happy with his life then I don't care about him anymore. It's just that he keeps on reaching out to me and I can't stand not talking to him. Honestly, it's difficult to give him a second chance. I'd really have to think hundreds of times before I could decide. I am hurt, I am angry. Truth is I haven't forgiven him yet. I'm just talking to him and trying to listen to his side of the story.

Don't know if I will hold on to that hope, or will I let go. I wanted to see hope not only with my career but with my relationship as well.

I hope that everything will turn out ok for the better.

Manny Pacquiao lost the fight between Juan Manuel Marquez by knockout. Fans of Pacman and the Filipino people were shocked that he fell face down seconds before the end of sixth round. Despite the loss, Manny fought a good fight. He is and will always be the People's Champ.

There were speculations that it was because of Manny's new found faith which led him to fail. He lost against Marquez on their 3rd and 4th bout. And Manny's mother is actually blaming his new religion for his loss.  I just get irritated reading posts about this on Facebook. It isn't about religion. That's stupid. A game is a game, one wins and the other loses; whether you're a theist or an atheist that's how it goes. Religion has nothing to do with it. I believe God has a better plan for him. We may not know what that is but "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and who are called according to his purpose." There is a reason why he lost.

There must be a pretty good reason why these things are happening to me too. Perhaps God wants to bring me to a better company, with a job that I will truly enjoy doing, with great friends and superiors, and with a better pay. And God wants the best for me. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Possibly God wants to lead me to a better person that's why I had to break up with my ex. I have faith in Him, I know He's in control. I just have to trust Him.

I will start job hunting again this week and I am praying that before the week ends I will be signing a contract for real and start working next week. I am not in a hurry to find a new love though. I am willing to wait for that right person. True love waits.

I just need to stand up and move forward. Don't give up. Playing in the background is a song from Calling Glory, Don't Give Up. The lyrics speak to me. Very timely, oh wow. :)

This time your heart said its had enough 
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up 
You don't wanna move on just playing games 
Praying hard somehow your life will change 
When you feel like you don't know what to do 
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through 

Don't give up 
and help is surely on its way 
and don't give up 
and the dark is breaking in today 
and just keep on moving through these storms 
and soon enough you'll find the door 
just don't give up 
oh and don't give up 

These walls around you are caving in 
And your life seems like it is wearing thin 
Your hope is drowning in despair 
It looks like you're not going anywhere 
Step inside this Heart and then you'll see 
Such a love that is so amazing 

It is always the darkest before the dawn. I just hope that the morning's coming.

I haven't realized how inspired I become when I am writing about us. I thought I lost all the notes I removed from our Facebook account. I have forgotten that it was kept in some place private. Well, it was well- hidden in a USB. That USB contains some pictures, text messages, screenshots of posts and notes. Perhaps I have moved on that as I start reading them I didn't have the slightest feeling of love and longing. It actually made me smile, being proud of myself that I could express my heart out in writing. I didn't smile because of the memories, it's how I wrote the note that made me smile. Hahaha!

I checked his account and he responded to my status yesterday. He told me to try listening to him, for everything has its own reasons. What I can't understand is a valid reason for someone to lie and cheat. He would tell me that there is a reason why he had to do it? That there is an excuse for posting love you's and announcing to the world that he's in a relationship with someone else? That's bullshit. That's not going to be an excuse, but a pathetic effort just to win me back.

It wasn't me who initiated the conversation. It was him. So the truth is that he can't live without me and that he still loves me. But if he can't give up that bitch then I think I just can't accept him. What is he up to, keeping me and her? He loves me, I love him; he loves her, she loves him? What is this, a party? Screw it.

I am actually building a wall between us, and I'm on guard. I have my mind set that what I have seen is the truth, and nothing, not even his sweet lies would change that. I don't know what else he's going to do when I start rejecting all his excuses. Well, if he really loves me he would go beyond his usual efforts just to see me and talk to me. I will really give him a hard time coming back. I wouldn't just accept him after what he did! At least to prove that he's worthy. If he gives up then I don't deserve him.

There's this guy who was in love with me since high school. I was a CAT officer then and he was a COTC. Last October, all the officers from our batch to 5 batches after if I'm not mistaken had a reunion. I was there and he was there too. I thought that he has lost his feelings for me since it has been 13 years that we haven't seen each other. I was wrong. He kept on messaging me through sms or Facebook, calling me even in the wee hours in the morning. I know I should tell him to get lost but doesn't he get the message? I am ignoring him- his calls and messages. He must know that he should stop. If I am interested then I should still be talking to him.

I've been hooked with Pretty Little Liars recently and I'm watching Season 2. But I don't want to watch now. I'd like to ponder on things and have a moment to myself. Re-strategizing and planning. I would like to have a better year and so I would like to focus on my betterment. Screw love life if it would just complicate me. After all, if we are meant to be, our paths will just cross and things will fall into place just for us to be together. I don't have to wait nor force myself into doing something. Me first, then everything else will just follow. I mean, God first and everything else will just follow.

I guess this is it. I have reached a point of my limitation. I have no options left, I don't know where to go. Everything seems falling out and I feel like giving up. Though I may have received a sort of "good news" just yesterday, I didn't believe it; not until after "researching", I found out that it was otherwise.

I feel so exhausted, having to go through interviews and exams for different companies. I passed 3 times already, but I just can't seem to find the job that suits me. Now that Christmas is just around the corner, I'm losing it. I'm broke, I don't have a job, I'm brokenhearted... This is so devastating.

Earlier I went to a company for my final interview. I did well with communication but I flunked the exam. I don't know the result actually but I believe that I failed. I was asked to rate myself with knowledge of the excel, I rated myself 5. I mean I know the very very basic of the excel. I don't use it often. Why would I use it anyway? For my practical exam I was asked to make a similar file using a pivot table. What in the world is a pivot table? As my interviewer was explaining what I had to do, I was thinking "I'll just copy and paste." Then she said, "you can't copy and paste." My bubbles burst. I really don't know what to do. I told her that I haven't encountered that kind of thing, which is true. I know I miss the chance of having that job, but I understand. Why would they hire someone whom they're still going to train, when they can have someone who already has the skill? I felt so stupid there. This is the first time I experienced having answered nothing to an exam.

I really feel bad. This good news was my ex posted a status saying that I shouldn't believe in what I saw, like there's a reason why it's there. So I answered, "what should I believe in?" Probably he wants me to believe in his lies again. If he's true and sincere with reconciling then he should throw hints on his Facebook account. Unfortunately, I found a different thing. He was telling this other girl not to post cheesy statuses or i love you's on his or her account. There was one post when the girl said "I love you" and he answered "sshhh." I read other statuses, threads and all of those things, and if I ever gave my ex a chance to reconciliation, I would be fooled. He's making me look stupid. He just doesn't know that I know what is happening. He is such a jerk. He would be coming back to woo me and all, exert an effort to restore the relationship but screw him.

I am so tired of everything. Just so tired. I can't feel Christmas at all... Unless the situation would change. I just want to cry.

Balita, pre? Ganun pa rin. Hindi pa rin ako totally nakaka move on, naalala ko pa rin kasi sya. Pero okay na ko, papunta na dun. Kaya ko to, tiwala lang.

Hindi na yata effective ang Glee as diversion, kailangan ko naman umalis alis. I've been stuck for almost 2 weeks already dito sa bahay and what I've realized is that the more I get idle, the more I contemplate. And the more I contemplate, the more I become soft and understanding. Eto yun eh- I consider giving him another chance. Like wtf, I just can't. When I come back to my senses biglang, woah, sandali lang. Hello, sinaktan ka nga di ba, tapos ANOTHER CHANCE NA NAMAN?! Ganyan nangyayari sa 'kin ngayon. I really hate talking about this. I haven't told anyone about what I'm going through so, bear with me. Etong blog lang talaga napag susumbungan ko :p

Gusto ko ng bagong relationship. Hindi ko sya gagawing rebound noh. I wanted to start over, clean slate. Yung wala nang traces of the past. Isa pa, hindi naman ako ganun na parang kailangan ko pa ikwento kay new boyfriend lahat ng nangyari samin ni ex diba. He has the right to know my past relationships pero para i- elaborate pa sa kanya hindi na tama yun. Bakit pa ko kailangan magkwento? I'm starting fresh. Yung parang hindi dumaan sa heartbreak.

I just have to be determined with my decision- tama na. TAMA NA. Kung bumalik man sya, ako ang hindi na babalik. He will realize my worth, alam kong babalik sya. Pero isa lang ang sagot ko, TAMA NA.

... HappyLicious! :) is ready to love again. ♥

I just finished Glee's first season and I can't wait to watch the next! I was moved by the last episode that I really cried a river, specially when they sang "To Sir with Love". As much as I wanted to continue my Glee marathon, I just can't; since it's already 3:30 am and I need to get some sleep. I am also getting hungry being up all night, and I can't eat because I'll be in bed in a few.

I don't know what else to say. This is the lamest post I have. :)

Hahaha!