Enigma of the Heart

I just finished Glee's first season and I can't wait to watch the next! I was moved by the last episode that I really cried a river, specially when they sang "To Sir with Love". As much as I wanted to continue my Glee marathon, I just can't; since it's already 3:30 am and I need to get some sleep. I am also getting hungry being up all night, and I can't eat because I'll be in bed in a few.

I don't know what else to say. This is the lamest post I have. :)

Hahaha!

It's been 2 days I haven't posted something here and I missed it. I don't have anything much to talk about except that drama- but let's skip that, shall we?

Since the day I got so wasted with the heartbreak, I decided to watch Glee as a distraction. And I got hooked! I just can't stand Rachel's drama though. But overall, it's a great show. Though I am not a high school anymore, I could still relate to some of their individual stories. Expressing your real self, achieving your dreams, being broken hearted... Besides, I love singing and I sing along with them. I even posted some of their songs on my Facebook account. I confess, I am a certified GLEEK! I just love them!

I've got 2 more episodes before I'm done with season 1. I just can't wait to watch the next! I'll be parking now and I've got to ready my vocals :P

So I was having dilemma last time eh? I won't be having that anymore. I have made a complete turn around and I won't never be going back. The only reason you could completely forget a person is to get really angry at him. My anger has become full blown that I don't think I could even forgive him. I'm sorry, but I am not a hypocrite. I can't pretend I'm not mad after what he did. I can't pretend that I don't give a damn. I am not like Adele wishing the best for his ex. He won't be hearing that from me.

And so starting this day forward, I am submerging my entire self in that river. I would let the river wash away everything that has to do with us. And when I come out of it I am new, and better, and have completely forgotten everything about him and about us.

I have placed all our souvenirs inside a plastic bag. I've torn to pieces the sheets of paper I used to write our memorable text messages and unforgettable dates on. The bracelet, the utility knife, the rosary, our first anniversary candle, a bunch of prepaid cards I consumed- everything was in there. I used to hold back whenever I decided to throw these away. They're still memories, they're still a part of me. It may be depressing to look at to now, but later I will regret that I have disposed these which should have served as a remembrance of the love I once had. So I thought I was not going to have dilemma anymore? Aargh. :)

This would be the last time I will be posting about this. I am getting sick of this, I sound like a pathetic actress in a soap who can't recover from a heart break.

MOVE ON. And that's what I'm going to do.

This is so funny, but I think that I am stronger now. His thoughts doesn't hurt as much as it did before and a lot of our memories were already forgotten. I try not to think about it anymore because it will definitely come back to me, but I think that these daily activities were a good diversion. I can say that slowly my heart is mended and that I'm getting better by the day.

I'm still torn as to whether I'm going online to chat with him or not. I guess my mind is stronger now; my heart doesn't even complain- well, slight. My heart wanted to butt in however my mind would shush! it. Hahaha! I don't know what's going on with me. My body parts are having their own conversation :)

I must be happier now. I have been so sad and crying for weeks and I guess I am recovering from the pain. I have faith that someday things are going to get better, and that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. There is a blessing beyond this problem, a light at the end of this tunnel and a rainbow after this storm. I may not know and understand why this happened, but there is a reason. I am tired of looking at the ground, and so I decided to look up. And I realized, I am not alone.

I am hopeful that very soon I will find a guy who would love me for who I am, who would accept me at my worst and someone who would place me as a priority and not an option. Looking forward to meeting this "guy" has actually helped me forget the one who broke my heart. It's nuts, right? Whoever he might be, I'm really excited to meet him. :)

And yet, in spite of these, I still have hope in us. I don't know why. But yes, I still believe.

Despite the distraction of being entertained, I can't deny the fact that I am still missing him. So much that it hurts. I still can't get myself from thinking of him and I honestly think it's being stupid. Why would I even think about him, or miss him, when I am not sure whether he's doing the same? Love is a two way street. It's give and take. And when you're doing it alone, giving everything you've got and the other person doesn't reciprocate, that's being a martyr- or perhaps a masochist. And I don't fall into any of the two. I have my pride and my dignity. I don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who's just taking advantage.

Yes I am angry, for he never even appreciate my efforts. I have been waiting for him to come back and log in to chat with me but he never did. I have expressed my feelings of frustration but he never apologized. But yes, he did made his presence felt. But I am still angry. What made me more furious is what I'm feeling for him. I am enraged but I still wanted to give him a second chance. He made me wait for a very long time and yet I am willing to wait again. What's all this sorcery?! This is madness!

And in spite of being annoyed, I posted a video of "No Air" by Jordin Sparks on my Facebook account. And it's meant for him. The verse goes, "But how do you expect me to live alone with just me? Cause my world revolves around you it's hard for me to breathe."  I really can't help it. I still love him. I want him back, I need him back.

Tsk, tsk... I really don't know what to do. My heart says give him a second chance, but my mind says enough. My heart says to understand but my mind says it's too much.

I'm in a dilemma again. Aargh, not again.

I won't just be needing band aids for my broken heart. I would also need ibuprofen.

I rarely clean my room. As in rarely. I'm used to the filth and dust over the tables where I work on and on every other appliance and knickknacks in the room. I don't mind at all. I am at peace with it, besides I don't have allergies so it's fine.

Yet today, I have decided to clean. I dusted the trinkets, swept the crumpled papers off the floor, changed the bedding and just cleaned the room. This activity means something to me. I've been going through heartbreak and it has been very difficult for me to move on. But I have to get a life and not waste my time crying over him. I know I have posted on my previous blogs that I made the first step to moving on. But I tend to look back and change my mind. I guess these are all just a part of the process and it's not going to happen in a snap. Even wounds take time to heal, and so is a broken heart. I just need to let time heal my heart and very soon I will be better.

But I've got to help myself too. If I would just be sitting in my room crying all day, would I get any better? If I constantly remind myself of him and all the fun we used to have, would that help at all? I would just drown myself in his memories and cry all the more. I will miss him more and there's nothing I could do about it. It will just create a deeper pain which will make the healing longer.

So as I cleaned my room, it's like I'm dusting away my memories of him, sweeping my sadness, cleaning my heart from his thoughts to make room for a better one. I used to hold back from meeting guys, going on dates, and having guy text mates because I was still thinking of him; that he might get angry if he learns what I'm doing. But shouldn't I deserve happiness too? I can't let him bind me with his thoughts forever.

Prayer has been very helpful too. I get strength from God whenever I need it and He's making me feel I'm not going through this alone. I get perpetual encouragement and hugs from Him. ♥

This will come to pass soon. And after all's been said and done, I know that he will come back but I know better.

I haven't visited my blog for a while and I was surprised upon seeing that this has got 218 page views already! Thanks so much for visiting and reading my stories.I feel rather compelled to write more and keep this updated for people who might stumble upon my blog and would decide to follow. :)

I have a lot of stories in mind, it's just that sometimes you get this writer's block, or mental block. It's like you have an outburst of emotion but your brain just can't think of the words to say. Perhaps I'm not too inspired, or I might be hungry. I guess I just need something to eat to restore my train of thoughts. Hahaha!

I am confused actually. Something "good" happened last night, but just this afternoon, I discovered something "bad" from that something "good". My mood changed yet again, because of several things. I need to breathe and then get back to writing.

Ugh.