Enigma of the Heart

Napakalaking trahedya sa buhay ang kamatayan. Yung kahapon lang nagkita pa kayo, kanina lang magkasama pa kayo, kagabi lang magkatabi pa kayo matulog... pero sa isang iglap bigla na lang nawala.

Napaka iksi lang ng buhay. Kaya nga naimbento ang motto na "YOLO." Kasi, we only have one shot in life. Unless alam mo kung ano ka sa magiging second life mo at mababalikan mo rin yung mga dati mo nakasama, diba. Kaso hindi. Bukod sa iisa lang ang buhay, maiksi pa. Hindi mo alam kung hanggang kelan ka tatagal. Hindi mo alam baka isang araw, mawala ka na lang din bigla.

Sa pagpanaw ng kaibigan ko, dun ko narealize na dapat talaga itreasure ang buhay. And not just treasure it. Make the most out of your life and leave a lasting legacy that would remind them of you. How you made a change, an impact, an influence. Kasi hindi mo alam na baka hanggang mamaya ka na lang pala.

Naisip ko, kung may nakaaway sya, nakapag sorry kaya sya? O kung may minamahal sya, nakapag i love you kaya sya? Biglaan kasi. Biruin mo ba naman sumalpok sya sa jeep sakay ng motor nya, tumalsik sya sa gitna ng kalsada at dun dinaanan sya ng 10-wheeler truck. Pauwi lang sana sya galing sa trabaho. Tsk. Hindi mo talaga masabi ang buhay.

Iniisip ko nga, pag nawala ako, ano ang maalala ng mga tao sa akin? Sa eulogy ko, ano kaya ang sasabihin nila? May mga tao kayang manghihinayang na nawala ako; magdadalamhati sa pagkawala ko, o matutuwa kaya sila na sa wakas, wala na ako?

Kaya I always try to live a life with love and kindness. I never fail to express gratitude to my loved ones. I am not saying that I am living a perfect life for we all know that it's impossible. And this does not guarantee positive responses to my questions earlier. Pero sa mga maliliit na bagay na paggawa ng kabutihan, it's already making a positive change in someone else's life. And that's what we're called for- to bring a positive change.

Let us value the lives we're given. Alam ko hindi maiiwasan magkamali pero hanggat may buhay, laging may pagkakataon para magbago.

A man's day is numbered. May takdang bilang lang ang buhay natin. At hindi tayo pwedeng humirit ng "Take 2!" Hindi natin alam kung kelan tayo matatapos. Kaya bago pa mahuli ang lahat, gawin na natin ang tama... at ang dapat.

RIP, Josel Catamco. You will be missed.

She was bothered, anxious even. She has been worrying and couldn't sleep. The moment she closed her eyes, thoughts are screaming so loudly that she couldn't dare sleep. "What if this happened?... What if that ensued?..." She didn't entertain the thought the crossed her mind. All she did was trust in God. She prayed and let God took over. And as soon as she had surrendered, peace enveloped her entire self. Her anger dissolved, her pain washed away. But the devil didn't stop attacking her vulnerable mind with negative thoughts. The past have constantly attempted to penetrate her mind. But her God is much too strong for this- His peace acted like a force field which created a barrier over her head. She was able to sleep, knowing that her God is with her. She was comforted from the anxieties and worries of the world. She slumbered with peace in her heart and serenity in her mind. She realized that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. In the morning is a new day, a fresh start and a new beginning.

I know I told myself to pursue writing but here it goes again. Truth is I am not allowed to chronicle my daily experiences as he perceives them all but emotional. This is my only outlet, my release, and the only way I am able to speak my feelings. I can't tell anyone what I really feel, not even him. Of course I can't speak to my mom about this as she will bear more grudge and hate for him.

We're happy, yes we are. He has changed, but still a work in progress. I don't know if it's just me who is setting a standard of a relationship that I wanted, and for him it's like I'm putting him on a leash. I do not want to restrain him from being with his friends but it seems like every time he's going out, he never learned. I have been angry about this and we've talked about this for several weeks already and it's been occurring WEEKLY and yet he never learned. I am running out of patience. I am trying to be understanding but it's him who does not even attempt to comprehend my feelings.

Perhaps or maybe certainly, he does not value me at all. For if he does, he will not even think of doing something that might hurt my feelings. I am contemplating whether this is already a major issue that involves a rather drastic approach, or something that I can still deal with and let go. I told him one time that if this happens again, I will leave. I am just not sure if I'm talking to a sober man, though, or perhaps not.

The reason why I am hurting is because I really want to spend time with him but cannot, because he's not here. He's out with his friends rather than spending time with me. As I have mentioned to him several times already, I will allow him to go out and be with his friends as long as he comes home at least every 2 hours just to check on me; that he would send me a message; and he comes home sober. He left at 3, came home at 6 or 7 to check on me and left again. It's almost 11 pm as of writing and he still hasn't come home. I would like to ask him to come home but how can I do that when he has not brought his phone with him? I haven't had dinner yet, and he hasn't come to eat or at least ask me if I have eaten.

He didn't have much sleep from yesterday because he was out drinking with his friends. After which he had to find things that he's required to bring for his new work. I got angry last night.. but I think he does not even remember it anymore.

He has installed a CCTV camera which has a view of the street outside. He even told me to look at the monitor and see that he's just there, sitting where the camera hits the view. But I haven't seen him there. I really don't want to think he's doing something but he could not blame me if I would get suspicious of him. He has not been acting the way he used to be. I do not want to be unfair. But is he being fair to me? I am so hurt, I do not know what to do.

I have just finished work and though it may be demanding, I am beginning to love it. I enjoy how I could play around with Photoshop and unleashing my creative spirit to each project that I create. I like how I have to blog as one of the activities I have to submit. And the whole time when I can watch Youtube tutorial videos. This job is helping me enhance my skills and that is what I like.

I am saddened by my random realizations about life and relationship. There is this one part of me that tells me what's good, and there's this rebellious, discontented half who's saying it's not worth it. I am not biased, and I listen to both their opinions to help me decide on something. But of course, the good always outweigh the bad, and I end up understanding and accepting. Understanding that everyone is not perfect and that they have flaws and that good things doesn't always happen and accept the fact that it is the only thing that's constant.

I began to lose hope in changing for the better. It is then that I have learned to let go and let things happen their own time and own way. There is still a part of me though that insists in making the change happen immediately, but no, I really can't force it no matter how hard I try. And when that happens, I just go to my bed and burst into tears, praying that one day, he will realize my worth.

I didn't know that after all these years I'd still have the same issue. I need to think things over and write another happier entry. After all, this is my 101st post. Let's not count this one, shall we?

It has been a long, long while hasn't it? Hahaha. And it actually feels good to be back. A lot has changed since my last entry and well, things did turn out for the better.

That Marketing Associate post, I got it. I stayed there for almost 2 years before leaving for another company. From then on, I hopped to different centers, hoping I would land on a career I would love doing; where I could unleash my fullest potential and passion. I was not successful on my job search for 2 years. Hopefully it would be the end of it with the job I have now.

Currently I am working from home and I am loving every moment of it. I wanted to do more actually, since I am just at home. It does not matter if I could extend my working hours for I do not have to worry about traveling and commuting. I will just have to sit in front of the computer and I am all set. I do not even have to bother about taking a bath and looking good.

I am looking for an outlet where I could pour my heart out whenever I am angry and sad, and hey, I remember this old blog I have. Maybe tomorrow I could start anew and return the passion that was lost.

Hindi lahat nabibigyan ng pangalawang pagkakataon. Hindi rin lahat kayang magbigay nito. Mahirap kasi magpatawad at lumimot. May mga taong hanggang sa dulo ng walang hanggan, dadalhin ang lahat ng sama ng loob nila at syempre, hindi nila kayang ibigay yung second chance na sinasabi kahit pa pinapakita na ng tao yung worth nya. Meron din naman kasing tao na gustong gusto mong bigyan ng second chance anytime, yun lang hindi naman pinapakitang they deserve it.

Ako yung type na mahirap magpatawad. I bear grudges kahit pa magsorry na sakin yung tao. Madali akong lumimot, totoo. Kung tutuusin mas madali yun para sakin to forgive diba. Pero pag KASALANAN ang pinag uusapan, iba na yun. Hindi kaagad mabubura sa kin yun. Kahit pa sabihin na nating "time heals all wounds", may scar pa rin sakin na magpapaalala kung bat ako nagkaron ng sugat na yun. Yung memories na tinutukoy ko yung mga ibang memories. Ganun kasi akong klase ng tao. Pero kung hindi naman grabe yung kasalanan, nakakalimutan ko rin naman. Meron lang talagang ibang sagad sa buto yung pain na mahirap talaga kalimutan- which makes it difficult to forgive as well.

Bumabalik kasi yung mga iniisip kong hindi na babalik. Pinapaniwala ako sa mga kasinungalingan nya. Ay naku, tanga lang talaga ang maniniwala. Mali raw lahat ng nakita ko. Weh? Ano ko stupid? Ide deny pa, eh huling huli mo na. Obvious na nga, nagpapalusot pa. Hindi naman ako maniniwala sa mga excuses nya noh. Siguro parang nilalambing ako or something para bumalik ako. Nag i love you sa akin kahit hindi ako nag i love you. Sa bagay, ang dali lang sabihin nyan. Yung maramdaman yan ng totoo ang mahirap. Pero sa kin kasi na hindi marunong maglaro, mahirap sabihin yan when I don't really mean it. Pag may sinabi kasi ako, whether sarcastic or not, I really mean it.

I'm unsure if I should give him a second chance- parang 90% no and 10% lang yung yes. Parang 5% lang nga siguro. Ang hirap na kasi maniwala. Ang dami ko pa kasing nakikita which proves my assumption true. Pero lagi nya nga sinasabi, wala yun. Mali ako, blah blah. Ayoko na maniwala sa kanya. Kahapon hindi na ko nag check ng account namin. Kasi sabi ko ayoko na, hindi rin naman na ko naniniwala. Sabay biglang nagtext. Gulat naman ako. Wala kasing cellphone yun, so nung nagkaron sya, tinext ako. Usap usap. Sabi ko nga, "Putek naman, kung kelan sabi kong ayoko na..." Ayoko na talaga. Parang nagbibigay pa tuloy yung fate ng chance to at least, reconsider. Tsk, tsk. Mahirap mag reconsider. Ayoko na masaktan ulit ng ganun.

But I admit, natuwa ako. Kasi naalala nya ako. And some other girls probably. Kung totoo naman kasi sya, I believe, ipuprove nya yun. At ipuprove nya rin ang worth nya na tumanggap ng pangalawang pagkakataon.

12-12-12. As much as I would like it to be memorable, it just passed by like an ordinary day. Nothing monumental or spectacular. I just took a portrait of me and posted it on my Facebook account to make the day meaningful somehow.

I received a text message from a representative of the HR of a certain company. I am supposed to be endorsed for the data entry post (which I would enjoy doing rather than taking calls) however, they ceased application. Since the data entry post is not available, he would endorse me as a, take note of this, MARKETING ASSISTANT. And I was so ecstatic. He said I may be qualified for the post. He was impressed with the scores on my exam and my communication skills that he is endorsing me for a post which is normally offered to graduates. I have been praying for a job that I would love doing, and I hope that this is it (if the post is not yet taken). Well, if it is for me then no matter what happens, no matter how long, the position will be given to me.

Ex and I are having brief constant communication. I still don't believe his explanations (or his excuses) but I guess it would be unfair not to hear his side. So he would like to talk to me personally about everything because chat won't do good anymore. The problem is I saw something which proved my assumptions true. I have been compiling screenshots of comment threads and status posts of their affair and I told him everything I saw. He's been convincing me that everything was just a setup but I have already set my mind on what I saw- and I believe in what I saw. He doesn't need to tell me more. The posts, comments and replies were good enough to validate my theories and his defense were all a bunch of lies.

A jealous woman investigates better than FBI. Perhaps he's been wondering how I do it. He should have realized by then that he shouldn't mess with me. All I believe in is that he really can't live without me. He keeps on chasing me, wanting me back. And he would try to do everything (even justify his mistake) just to have me back. He's just so arrogant, I've been showing evidences to him and he still keeps on making excuses. He's still finding a way to get out of it and not having to say sorry. For me, it's easier to say sorry and accept your fault to restore the relationship, rather than lying and "patching" the surface just to be accepted and then dropping the issue. The hurt remains and it will just explode when the deed is committed again. If you really love the person you will really humble yourself and say sorry just to accept their forgiveness. And if he's done that, I will forgive him.

I'm gradually losing hope in us. Before I used to have confidence in him that he's going to change but now, I don't know. I really wanted him to change but if he's happy with his life then I don't care about him anymore. It's just that he keeps on reaching out to me and I can't stand not talking to him. Honestly, it's difficult to give him a second chance. I'd really have to think hundreds of times before I could decide. I am hurt, I am angry. Truth is I haven't forgiven him yet. I'm just talking to him and trying to listen to his side of the story.

Don't know if I will hold on to that hope, or will I let go. I wanted to see hope not only with my career but with my relationship as well.

I hope that everything will turn out ok for the better.

Manny Pacquiao lost the fight between Juan Manuel Marquez by knockout. Fans of Pacman and the Filipino people were shocked that he fell face down seconds before the end of sixth round. Despite the loss, Manny fought a good fight. He is and will always be the People's Champ.

There were speculations that it was because of Manny's new found faith which led him to fail. He lost against Marquez on their 3rd and 4th bout. And Manny's mother is actually blaming his new religion for his loss.  I just get irritated reading posts about this on Facebook. It isn't about religion. That's stupid. A game is a game, one wins and the other loses; whether you're a theist or an atheist that's how it goes. Religion has nothing to do with it. I believe God has a better plan for him. We may not know what that is but "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and who are called according to his purpose." There is a reason why he lost.

There must be a pretty good reason why these things are happening to me too. Perhaps God wants to bring me to a better company, with a job that I will truly enjoy doing, with great friends and superiors, and with a better pay. And God wants the best for me. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Possibly God wants to lead me to a better person that's why I had to break up with my ex. I have faith in Him, I know He's in control. I just have to trust Him.

I will start job hunting again this week and I am praying that before the week ends I will be signing a contract for real and start working next week. I am not in a hurry to find a new love though. I am willing to wait for that right person. True love waits.

I just need to stand up and move forward. Don't give up. Playing in the background is a song from Calling Glory, Don't Give Up. The lyrics speak to me. Very timely, oh wow. :)

This time your heart said its had enough 
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up 
You don't wanna move on just playing games 
Praying hard somehow your life will change 
When you feel like you don't know what to do 
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through 

Don't give up 
and help is surely on its way 
and don't give up 
and the dark is breaking in today 
and just keep on moving through these storms 
and soon enough you'll find the door 
just don't give up 
oh and don't give up 

These walls around you are caving in 
And your life seems like it is wearing thin 
Your hope is drowning in despair 
It looks like you're not going anywhere 
Step inside this Heart and then you'll see 
Such a love that is so amazing 

It is always the darkest before the dawn. I just hope that the morning's coming.

I haven't realized how inspired I become when I am writing about us. I thought I lost all the notes I removed from our Facebook account. I have forgotten that it was kept in some place private. Well, it was well- hidden in a USB. That USB contains some pictures, text messages, screenshots of posts and notes. Perhaps I have moved on that as I start reading them I didn't have the slightest feeling of love and longing. It actually made me smile, being proud of myself that I could express my heart out in writing. I didn't smile because of the memories, it's how I wrote the note that made me smile. Hahaha!

I checked his account and he responded to my status yesterday. He told me to try listening to him, for everything has its own reasons. What I can't understand is a valid reason for someone to lie and cheat. He would tell me that there is a reason why he had to do it? That there is an excuse for posting love you's and announcing to the world that he's in a relationship with someone else? That's bullshit. That's not going to be an excuse, but a pathetic effort just to win me back.

It wasn't me who initiated the conversation. It was him. So the truth is that he can't live without me and that he still loves me. But if he can't give up that bitch then I think I just can't accept him. What is he up to, keeping me and her? He loves me, I love him; he loves her, she loves him? What is this, a party? Screw it.

I am actually building a wall between us, and I'm on guard. I have my mind set that what I have seen is the truth, and nothing, not even his sweet lies would change that. I don't know what else he's going to do when I start rejecting all his excuses. Well, if he really loves me he would go beyond his usual efforts just to see me and talk to me. I will really give him a hard time coming back. I wouldn't just accept him after what he did! At least to prove that he's worthy. If he gives up then I don't deserve him.

There's this guy who was in love with me since high school. I was a CAT officer then and he was a COTC. Last October, all the officers from our batch to 5 batches after if I'm not mistaken had a reunion. I was there and he was there too. I thought that he has lost his feelings for me since it has been 13 years that we haven't seen each other. I was wrong. He kept on messaging me through sms or Facebook, calling me even in the wee hours in the morning. I know I should tell him to get lost but doesn't he get the message? I am ignoring him- his calls and messages. He must know that he should stop. If I am interested then I should still be talking to him.

I've been hooked with Pretty Little Liars recently and I'm watching Season 2. But I don't want to watch now. I'd like to ponder on things and have a moment to myself. Re-strategizing and planning. I would like to have a better year and so I would like to focus on my betterment. Screw love life if it would just complicate me. After all, if we are meant to be, our paths will just cross and things will fall into place just for us to be together. I don't have to wait nor force myself into doing something. Me first, then everything else will just follow. I mean, God first and everything else will just follow.

I guess this is it. I have reached a point of my limitation. I have no options left, I don't know where to go. Everything seems falling out and I feel like giving up. Though I may have received a sort of "good news" just yesterday, I didn't believe it; not until after "researching", I found out that it was otherwise.

I feel so exhausted, having to go through interviews and exams for different companies. I passed 3 times already, but I just can't seem to find the job that suits me. Now that Christmas is just around the corner, I'm losing it. I'm broke, I don't have a job, I'm brokenhearted... This is so devastating.

Earlier I went to a company for my final interview. I did well with communication but I flunked the exam. I don't know the result actually but I believe that I failed. I was asked to rate myself with knowledge of the excel, I rated myself 5. I mean I know the very very basic of the excel. I don't use it often. Why would I use it anyway? For my practical exam I was asked to make a similar file using a pivot table. What in the world is a pivot table? As my interviewer was explaining what I had to do, I was thinking "I'll just copy and paste." Then she said, "you can't copy and paste." My bubbles burst. I really don't know what to do. I told her that I haven't encountered that kind of thing, which is true. I know I miss the chance of having that job, but I understand. Why would they hire someone whom they're still going to train, when they can have someone who already has the skill? I felt so stupid there. This is the first time I experienced having answered nothing to an exam.

I really feel bad. This good news was my ex posted a status saying that I shouldn't believe in what I saw, like there's a reason why it's there. So I answered, "what should I believe in?" Probably he wants me to believe in his lies again. If he's true and sincere with reconciling then he should throw hints on his Facebook account. Unfortunately, I found a different thing. He was telling this other girl not to post cheesy statuses or i love you's on his or her account. There was one post when the girl said "I love you" and he answered "sshhh." I read other statuses, threads and all of those things, and if I ever gave my ex a chance to reconciliation, I would be fooled. He's making me look stupid. He just doesn't know that I know what is happening. He is such a jerk. He would be coming back to woo me and all, exert an effort to restore the relationship but screw him.

I am so tired of everything. Just so tired. I can't feel Christmas at all... Unless the situation would change. I just want to cry.

Balita, pre? Ganun pa rin. Hindi pa rin ako totally nakaka move on, naalala ko pa rin kasi sya. Pero okay na ko, papunta na dun. Kaya ko to, tiwala lang.

Hindi na yata effective ang Glee as diversion, kailangan ko naman umalis alis. I've been stuck for almost 2 weeks already dito sa bahay and what I've realized is that the more I get idle, the more I contemplate. And the more I contemplate, the more I become soft and understanding. Eto yun eh- I consider giving him another chance. Like wtf, I just can't. When I come back to my senses biglang, woah, sandali lang. Hello, sinaktan ka nga di ba, tapos ANOTHER CHANCE NA NAMAN?! Ganyan nangyayari sa 'kin ngayon. I really hate talking about this. I haven't told anyone about what I'm going through so, bear with me. Etong blog lang talaga napag susumbungan ko :p

Gusto ko ng bagong relationship. Hindi ko sya gagawing rebound noh. I wanted to start over, clean slate. Yung wala nang traces of the past. Isa pa, hindi naman ako ganun na parang kailangan ko pa ikwento kay new boyfriend lahat ng nangyari samin ni ex diba. He has the right to know my past relationships pero para i- elaborate pa sa kanya hindi na tama yun. Bakit pa ko kailangan magkwento? I'm starting fresh. Yung parang hindi dumaan sa heartbreak.

I just have to be determined with my decision- tama na. TAMA NA. Kung bumalik man sya, ako ang hindi na babalik. He will realize my worth, alam kong babalik sya. Pero isa lang ang sagot ko, TAMA NA.

... HappyLicious! :) is ready to love again. ♥

I just finished Glee's first season and I can't wait to watch the next! I was moved by the last episode that I really cried a river, specially when they sang "To Sir with Love". As much as I wanted to continue my Glee marathon, I just can't; since it's already 3:30 am and I need to get some sleep. I am also getting hungry being up all night, and I can't eat because I'll be in bed in a few.

I don't know what else to say. This is the lamest post I have. :)

Hahaha!

It's been 2 days I haven't posted something here and I missed it. I don't have anything much to talk about except that drama- but let's skip that, shall we?

Since the day I got so wasted with the heartbreak, I decided to watch Glee as a distraction. And I got hooked! I just can't stand Rachel's drama though. But overall, it's a great show. Though I am not a high school anymore, I could still relate to some of their individual stories. Expressing your real self, achieving your dreams, being broken hearted... Besides, I love singing and I sing along with them. I even posted some of their songs on my Facebook account. I confess, I am a certified GLEEK! I just love them!

I've got 2 more episodes before I'm done with season 1. I just can't wait to watch the next! I'll be parking now and I've got to ready my vocals :P

So I was having dilemma last time eh? I won't be having that anymore. I have made a complete turn around and I won't never be going back. The only reason you could completely forget a person is to get really angry at him. My anger has become full blown that I don't think I could even forgive him. I'm sorry, but I am not a hypocrite. I can't pretend I'm not mad after what he did. I can't pretend that I don't give a damn. I am not like Adele wishing the best for his ex. He won't be hearing that from me.

And so starting this day forward, I am submerging my entire self in that river. I would let the river wash away everything that has to do with us. And when I come out of it I am new, and better, and have completely forgotten everything about him and about us.

I have placed all our souvenirs inside a plastic bag. I've torn to pieces the sheets of paper I used to write our memorable text messages and unforgettable dates on. The bracelet, the utility knife, the rosary, our first anniversary candle, a bunch of prepaid cards I consumed- everything was in there. I used to hold back whenever I decided to throw these away. They're still memories, they're still a part of me. It may be depressing to look at to now, but later I will regret that I have disposed these which should have served as a remembrance of the love I once had. So I thought I was not going to have dilemma anymore? Aargh. :)

This would be the last time I will be posting about this. I am getting sick of this, I sound like a pathetic actress in a soap who can't recover from a heart break.

MOVE ON. And that's what I'm going to do.

This is so funny, but I think that I am stronger now. His thoughts doesn't hurt as much as it did before and a lot of our memories were already forgotten. I try not to think about it anymore because it will definitely come back to me, but I think that these daily activities were a good diversion. I can say that slowly my heart is mended and that I'm getting better by the day.

I'm still torn as to whether I'm going online to chat with him or not. I guess my mind is stronger now; my heart doesn't even complain- well, slight. My heart wanted to butt in however my mind would shush! it. Hahaha! I don't know what's going on with me. My body parts are having their own conversation :)

I must be happier now. I have been so sad and crying for weeks and I guess I am recovering from the pain. I have faith that someday things are going to get better, and that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. There is a blessing beyond this problem, a light at the end of this tunnel and a rainbow after this storm. I may not know and understand why this happened, but there is a reason. I am tired of looking at the ground, and so I decided to look up. And I realized, I am not alone.

I am hopeful that very soon I will find a guy who would love me for who I am, who would accept me at my worst and someone who would place me as a priority and not an option. Looking forward to meeting this "guy" has actually helped me forget the one who broke my heart. It's nuts, right? Whoever he might be, I'm really excited to meet him. :)

And yet, in spite of these, I still have hope in us. I don't know why. But yes, I still believe.

Despite the distraction of being entertained, I can't deny the fact that I am still missing him. So much that it hurts. I still can't get myself from thinking of him and I honestly think it's being stupid. Why would I even think about him, or miss him, when I am not sure whether he's doing the same? Love is a two way street. It's give and take. And when you're doing it alone, giving everything you've got and the other person doesn't reciprocate, that's being a martyr- or perhaps a masochist. And I don't fall into any of the two. I have my pride and my dignity. I don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who's just taking advantage.

Yes I am angry, for he never even appreciate my efforts. I have been waiting for him to come back and log in to chat with me but he never did. I have expressed my feelings of frustration but he never apologized. But yes, he did made his presence felt. But I am still angry. What made me more furious is what I'm feeling for him. I am enraged but I still wanted to give him a second chance. He made me wait for a very long time and yet I am willing to wait again. What's all this sorcery?! This is madness!

And in spite of being annoyed, I posted a video of "No Air" by Jordin Sparks on my Facebook account. And it's meant for him. The verse goes, "But how do you expect me to live alone with just me? Cause my world revolves around you it's hard for me to breathe."  I really can't help it. I still love him. I want him back, I need him back.

Tsk, tsk... I really don't know what to do. My heart says give him a second chance, but my mind says enough. My heart says to understand but my mind says it's too much.

I'm in a dilemma again. Aargh, not again.

I won't just be needing band aids for my broken heart. I would also need ibuprofen.

I rarely clean my room. As in rarely. I'm used to the filth and dust over the tables where I work on and on every other appliance and knickknacks in the room. I don't mind at all. I am at peace with it, besides I don't have allergies so it's fine.

Yet today, I have decided to clean. I dusted the trinkets, swept the crumpled papers off the floor, changed the bedding and just cleaned the room. This activity means something to me. I've been going through heartbreak and it has been very difficult for me to move on. But I have to get a life and not waste my time crying over him. I know I have posted on my previous blogs that I made the first step to moving on. But I tend to look back and change my mind. I guess these are all just a part of the process and it's not going to happen in a snap. Even wounds take time to heal, and so is a broken heart. I just need to let time heal my heart and very soon I will be better.

But I've got to help myself too. If I would just be sitting in my room crying all day, would I get any better? If I constantly remind myself of him and all the fun we used to have, would that help at all? I would just drown myself in his memories and cry all the more. I will miss him more and there's nothing I could do about it. It will just create a deeper pain which will make the healing longer.

So as I cleaned my room, it's like I'm dusting away my memories of him, sweeping my sadness, cleaning my heart from his thoughts to make room for a better one. I used to hold back from meeting guys, going on dates, and having guy text mates because I was still thinking of him; that he might get angry if he learns what I'm doing. But shouldn't I deserve happiness too? I can't let him bind me with his thoughts forever.

Prayer has been very helpful too. I get strength from God whenever I need it and He's making me feel I'm not going through this alone. I get perpetual encouragement and hugs from Him. ♥

This will come to pass soon. And after all's been said and done, I know that he will come back but I know better.

I haven't visited my blog for a while and I was surprised upon seeing that this has got 218 page views already! Thanks so much for visiting and reading my stories.I feel rather compelled to write more and keep this updated for people who might stumble upon my blog and would decide to follow. :)

I have a lot of stories in mind, it's just that sometimes you get this writer's block, or mental block. It's like you have an outburst of emotion but your brain just can't think of the words to say. Perhaps I'm not too inspired, or I might be hungry. I guess I just need something to eat to restore my train of thoughts. Hahaha!

I am confused actually. Something "good" happened last night, but just this afternoon, I discovered something "bad" from that something "good". My mood changed yet again, because of several things. I need to breathe and then get back to writing.

Ugh.

Siguro masasabi kong mas okay na ako ngayon kesa nung mga nakaraan. Naalala ko dati, talagang nahihirapan akong mag move on. Yung maalala ko lang sya, talagang umiiyak ako. Para kasing dinudurog yung puso ko e. Pero ngayon, hindi na masyadong masakit yung mga memories kapag naalala ko. Pero hindi ko sila inaalala- dahil nga pinipilit ko silang kalimutan. May mga pagkakataon na naalala ko rin sya, bigla na lang ako kakabahan na hindi ko maintindihan. Ewan ko kung bakit, kung anong ibig sabihin nun. Sana dumating yung time na mawala na rin yung ganung feeling. Nakakaasar kasi, hindi mo alam kung may ibig sabihin ba yun. Kung may ibig sabihin man, kung maganda ba yun o hindi.

Siguro nga naghihilom na unti unti yung mga sugat ko. Ang bilis lang kasi ng process ko, parang 3-4 days lang. Isang linggo na yata ngayon, at I can say that I am much better. Ang galing ni God mag heal sobra. Yung "antibiotic" Nya, very effective. Kasi ilang araw lang umepekto kagad. Ngayon nga eh, parang kala mo  hindi ako nanggaling sa isang heartbreak. Hahaha!

Yun lang, ang dami na bago. Pero yung mga bago na yun, gagamitin ko na lang din in moving forward. Sasabihin ko sana na babaguhin ko na yung mga plans ko- pero parang di ko alam kung bakit biglang nagbago pa rin isip ko. Parang gusto ko pa rin syang ituloy nevertheless. I know I should have discarded those plans since the break up, but I can't understand why it had to cling to me. Kasi yung mga plans na yun were MY plans as well. Kung baga, we had one heart when we came up with those plans. But since he's not around anymore, I will be doing it not for us, but for myself only. In a way, those will still be fulfilled- with him as an exception.

This is just the start of my goal in becoming better. Eventually, when he comes back, I will become very, very, very much better. He would regret what he did, he would wish to reconcile, and would WANT me to be back to him. He will definitely come back, he will do everything just to win me back again. I know, and I believe.

Yes I'm getting better. Sorry for still being bitter. Would take long before I learn to forgive. But at least, I'm getting better.

I can still remember 2 days ago, when I've been crying so hard. I had no appetite, and all I wanted to do is to sleep- sleep away all the hurt and pain. They didn't know I was going through rough times. But now, I can say that I have overcome, and I am all better.

I still cry, and I am bitter, honestly. I force myself to forget every single thing, every detail of what we had. Slowly, I am starting to forget what we once had. The hardest part for me to do is forgiving. Unless he asks for it, I believe I will never, ever forgive him. (God help me)

Before, the mere thought of him crushes my heart. But it doesn't have the same effect as it is now. Perhaps I have already moved on. But I still couldn't listen to love songs. :)

I couldn't understand why despite the pain I'm going through, there left in my heart an inextinguishable faith and hope. It has been there since day 1, and I cannot comprehend why it hasn't been choked even though I've been broken. That must be love, isn't it? But I don't want to talk about it. Next topic please. :D

My status on Facebook was: Glad to be able to do the things I haven't been doing in a long time. It's good to be back. Indeed. After he's gone, I can catch up on movies I failed to watch and books I have neglected to read and I'm learning guitar again. One more good about it is that I've got a lot more time for sleeping too. I remember this love song, "Bluer than Blue". It's not that I'm sad that he left, I actually look on the positive side of him leaving. Having to do the things I wanted to do without asking for his consent and not having to report my whereabouts and whatnot.

I haven't fully recovered yet, but I'm getting there. Soon, everything will be back to normal, back to where I was before he came. Back to the life where I have no memory of him like he doesn't exist at all. I'll just have to pretend that we never reconciled, we never talked and nothing has happened.

This is funny. I'm bitter, but better. Hahaha! :)